Happiness

2012-03-03T08:11:00.000-05:00

Any day without depression is a GOOD day. Yuppers, it is. I don't care if my friend is mad at me, or I at her. Or the man I love doesn't love me....it doesn't matter as long as my depression is lifted. That's how painful it is. How frightening it is. And today, it's been lifted. Thank God :) and thank Zoloft. Good thing I'm not related to Tom Cruise or a Scientologist. They don't believe in psych meds. Stupidity at it's worst. So much suffering for no reason. Pain is inevitable in this life, but suffering is optional. I choose to exercise my options, because I get the power of choice in my life. I choose solution.

I am on step 2, and my assignment is to read on Hope: "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen". I felt a profound feeling of hope a few weeks ago when in the midst of my depression an online friend wrote something about herself that gave me great insight into the behavior of someone else I know. Like we do in a meeting, hearing someone else go through something and be able to get an understanding of your own pain, it gives me hope that *I* will get through it. Hope comes from those people who share their life, their fears, their triumphs, their failures in a way that tells me "I will get through this" or that something is not about me. Hope is the oxygen to my spiritual body, it's the fuel that makes my spirit go and grow. It makes me not want to quit. Hope is essential to life.

Hope is God.

Big girl panties ready

2012-03-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight I will be at a meeting where the friend who hurt me will be. I have to get my big girl panties ready to deal with seeing and speaking with her. I am ready. Or, at least that's what I'm telling myself.

The evening after the *incident*, she sent me an email, which I have not read as of yet. In all probability, I most likely won't ever read. I will deal with her in person. I seem to have this predilection to avoid emotion driven emails, when I still feel sensitive. It's as if my emotional sunburn hasn't healed yet and the words of her message may bristle against my sensitive skin. Which means....it's something I cannot control. Hence, this is why people put up walls. To keep the enemy out. The *enemy* being hurtful words from someone I love. I did this what my last man-friend, and he did it with me. Even though her letter to me is probably an apology and something very loving, there is always that chance that there may something hurtful. For some reason I feel I can see her to discuss it in person. It must be all about control. I guess in an email, she can say what she wants but I cannot instantly reply and have direct repartee. In person I can. It's all about controlling incoming missles. SO interesting how control is so much about of our lives.

Im off to start my day. I hope you have a blessed day that starts off with....hope.

XOXO

Step 2: Hope

2012-02-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

My step-sponsor-man-friend has ordered me to read on hope. Step 2. Hope is the principle behind this step. I can honestly say that today I DO have hope that my depression will be controlled and move on it's merry ass way out of my life. What a great feeling hope is. Hope floats, indeed it does. Here are so cool quotes on hope:

Hope is some extraordinary spiritual grace that God gives us to control our fears, not to oust them. ~Vincent McNabb

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. ~George Iles

“Hope is a waking dream.”
― Aristotle

"Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road,but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence." - Lin Yutang

"No winter lasts forever; no spring skips it's turn." - Hal Borland

"Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better." - Jim Rohn

2012-02-27T16:46:00.000-05:00

Friends who judge

2012-02-26T22:06:00.001-05:00

What started out as a pretty decent day morphed into...a very sad, hurtful day. Someone I love and value as a dear friend said something so hurtful to me I was shocked into silence. I don't know what to do. If there is something to do. Which I don't think there is, at least right now.

Long story short: We were driving to an event, I had a phone call with a 3rd friend who was to join us in our hour long Sunday walk. The other friend wanted to walk at a slower pace, with a 50 lb back pack for upper body work out. I said I wanted a faster walk, which is typical that my close friend and I do weekly. I asked my friend if he thought his pack would slow him down, prevent us from staying together, would he be able to keep up? He said probably not, so never mind, just go without him. I wasnt sure if he was upset that I had set my boundary or not., but he made his decision and I respected it. We have walked together before, and with his pack, I have to be the one to change my pace and walk slowly. That doesn't help my workout, so this time, I set my boundary, said what I needed for me, and let him make his decision.

Well, she, my close friend, didn't seem to think that was apporpriate of me to do. And yes, she is al-anon. She looked at me, with a half laugh and said "I cant wait for you to get your medications to take effect so you can have more compassion for people".....I was stunned as the insensitivity of that comment. She was referring to my anti-depressant meds, of which I have been taking for 3 weeks. Her comment told me she thought I was being discompassionate to him by setting a personaly boudary, by taking care of my work out needs. Her comment told me she thinks my mental health is so fucked up that I say hurtful things to people. She passed a big ass judgement on me without even hearing his end of the conversation and without knowing that I had already conceded an earlier workout with this man friend by slowing my pace to accomodate him.

What made it so much worse was when I confronted her with my feelings on this, she minimized and rationalized her comment by saying "you know my english is not very good". Uh...WTF? She speaks with an accent, but does that mean she thinks with one too? She defended herself, cut me off when I tried to speak and was intent on winning the right fight. With every word she spoke, she twisted the knife worse and worse. Finally, when I could take no more of this *alcoholic* behavior, I gor firm and said my phone call with this man was NOT her business, and she had no right to judge me. She actually admitted she was judging me. I ended the conversation by saying no good will come of this with my being angry and we should talk another time when the heat is gone. It was awkward to say the least as we were driving to get my car. It was dead slience for 20 blocks.

Upon arriving at her home, before we got out, I said that this isnt the end of our friendship, this is just a problem and we will talk about it. And, that this happens to friends and families all the time. Her response, again, shocked me. "No, this has never happened to me in my life". Yeah..she has never hurt anyone, she has never had anyone say she has offended them. No, of course she has, but what she was doing was trying to single ME out by implying that no one else in her life has ever made her feel this way, just me. So *I* must be fucked up, I must be wrong.

So, what do I take from this? I take my ability to set and enforce boundaries. I take my courage to not let such an insult pass by without dealing with it immedaitely, despite the reaction. I take that I can now notice when I am not being heard and someone insists on winning the right fight, to let go, stop the engagement and shut up. I take the awareness that my friend is incapable of dealing with conflict in a respectful, mature way and her unhealthy reactions are a result of her level of coping skills. I take from it that before I spoke I said the serenity prayer. I take from it that I said something I regret in this discourse and I will have to make amends for it. All in all, I take that we are all imperfect humans, and we do at times, hurt the ones we love. I take that this woman is a great, loving friend of mine and with God's help, we will reconcile our hurt and grow stronger as a result.

PS..I later called my man friend to ask if I had offended him by my statement of wanting to walk at my pace. He said no, in fact, he was relieved when I did because he his son showed up unexpectedly and he wanted to spend time with him. That was a relief, to hear, for sure.
One day at a time.

God is my master

2012-02-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

One day, a couple and their little boy were going to watch a concert. In the concert, one of the international, top pianists in the world will perform—together with an entire orchestra. The concert was about to begin, so the husband and wife were walking quickly to their seats. When they turned left, they didn’t know that their little boy went straight. Straight to the stage.

And there he saw a beautiful great grand piano. He’s never seen anything like it before. In their house was an old, upright piano. He slipped passed the curtain, sat on the bench and was taken aback by the gleaming, white ivory keys. He didn’t notice that the curtain was pulled away. He didn’t know that the audience was now watching him. Except for the horrified parents, everyone thought this was part of the concert.

The boy placed his little hands on the keys and began to play chopsticks to the delight of the crowd. And that was when the boy felt two arms around him—a hand on the left and hand on the right. It was the world-renowned Master Pianist. He stood behind the boy and began to play with the boy a Beethoven symphony adjusted to the Chopsticks melody.

And upon the Master’s cue the entire 101-piece orchestra—complete with violins and horns, began to play along. The parents of the boys had tears in their eyes, watching their little boy perform with the Orchestra. It was the most beautiful rendition of Chopsticks the world has ever heard.

What made the difference? The Master stepped in.

Work With What You Have

Even if you only know Chopsticks, play it anyway. Work with what you have. Work with the talents that you have. Work with the money that you have. Work with the circumstances that you have. Be the best that you can be. Because the Master stands behind you, his arms around you, creating a miracle in you.

Solutions

2012-02-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

~ Been force feeding Joel Osteen video sermons down my ears for weeks, every day, multiple sermons. Positive force feeding. Hope, prayer, faith.

~been to at least one meeting a day, sometimes two. I share about the depression when it hurts, I share when it doesn't hurt. I get it out.

~Service...I chair meetings, answer sponsee calls, serve our convention committee and am a trusted servant in 3 meetings now. I suit up, I show up.

~ Faithing it. I praise God, I take action. I stuck affirmations on my mirror, refrigerator, and inside front door. I'm forcing faith into my head and heart.

~ Praying and meditating. For myself, those that hurt me and those who are hurting. I talk, I listen.

~Working the steps.

Outcome? Depression & anxiety have taken a break for the last 3 days. I'm grateful. so grateful. It WORKS when I work it. Yup.

Boundaries hurt

2012-02-23T07:57:00.001-05:00

When enforced. But feel great once applied. Eventually. I don't want to dwell on this first story, because it's negative and hurtful, so short story is: a boss who was once kind and fair is now a prick. Micro managing and making rude, erroneous assumptions to which I always prove him wrong about me. Yesterday I stood up for myself firmly in an email. He didn't like it and told my direct, good boss it was "unacceptable". And so no now he is pissed at me and micro managing more. Good. Good for him if this is what makes him feel in control. Because I happen to know that he doesn't. Why? Because 6 days ago his wife filed for divorce. Yeah, here is a case of "hurt people..hurt other people". I have compassion for him, though he brought all is misery onto himself with his infidelity. With co-workers. But, with compassion I still must maintain my boundaries. No one will ever stand up for me like I should and could do. I don't care if he is the *big* boss, I am a human being and will always command my self respect. It is no surprise the other top manager left in December and a few other top players have left recently. I am hoping to do the same soon. Let's pray this man gets his stuff together before he hurts the company even more. The company that is his parent's company. Yes, interesting dynamic with THAT statement huh?

So, I was restless, irritable and discontent yesterday when this happened for about 6 hours. I prayed and meditated and tried to let it go. Finally I did. I was in fear I would be fired because, after all, he is the owners son and pretty much can do whatever he wants. But, I reminded myself, if that's the way it is, it's the way it's supposed to be. God's in charge of this bus, I'm just a willing passenger.

PS...God, please help this man find peace and acceptance through his divorce. Please offer him the gift of your grace and mercy. Let him know that he is loved and cared for.

Letting go is a process

2012-02-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

Not a destination. I hear all the time in meetings "Let go"..sometimes it comes as a scream "LET THE HELL GO!". And I want to kick them in their shins. A person doesn't "Let go", they are constantly in the letting go process. Some days, the hands are completely released open and not hanging onto anything. Other days, it's a light grasp and on a horrible day, the knuckles are white, the fingers are red and someones neck is being squeezed. I am in the 3 finger hold right now. I WANT to be free, I WANT to release, I AM working the steps, taking action to get to the freedom...but it's not here..yet. I see the part of the landscape I want to be in, to feel in, and I am sweating the effort to get there, but for today, I'm not. And that's OK. I will get there. I will.

5th step?

2012-02-20T11:30:00.001-05:00

Finally getting honest with someone feels good. It's not that I was dishonest, but I withheld feelings and choked back on my truth during a now ended relationship. I finally "out-louded" my part in it with a letter. But, chances are it won't be read. That's just the way he is. Like the "Don't ask, Don't tell" mindset, he is "Don't read, Don't deal with it". Avoidance. And I can relate to avoidance since I have it mastered myself. But, I said what I meant, meant what I said and said it with love. That's MY part in making things right. If he chooses not to read it yet again, I have to place it on my powerlessness list. Yet, again.

But it feels freeing to finally risk my truth. The reason I hold back on being authentic is fear. Fear I will turn someone off, fear I won't be seen in the light I wish to be, fear he will leave. The typical codependent mind fuck. I will be someone other than me because.....if you see me, you may not like me, you may leave me, and I will be....without you. But, the worst has already happened. The relationship ended, in part because neither of us could get honest, nor communicate without fear, with openness and trust. So, now there is nothing to lose. And only mountains to gain. Gain my freedom, gain the peace and serenity of having an emotional sidewalk swept clean. I did my part. And finally I did it with no expectation of reciprocation, or even acknowledgement. I do wish to know if it was read, I do want to know that Ive been heard. But....I may not receive that gift. God may feel that is not in my best interest today. So I will practice acceptance.

And continue to pray for this man. And that, today, is simply no problem at all to do. How cool is that?

What's God saying today?

2012-02-18T14:03:00.000-05:00

Think he's saying something good so far today. I went to my favorite meeting, the "Growth with Steps" AFG, Saturday mornings, 10am to 12 noon. My service position is speaker seeker. I get to choose who will speak, and so far it's going really well. I've been around the fellowship for long enough that I know lot's of people in many different rooms. I've recruited a lot of great people to speak and today's speaker was awesome. I selected a sponsee who had, just a few months ago, been on the verge of dropping out. She'd stop coming for a few months, but luckily, she got lured back in. She had to start all over, of course, and lately she has been running self will riotous at times, but today she was on spiritual fire. She thanked me for asking her afterwards, and said that just knowing she was going to speak this past week, she felt she had a purpose and helped her have a good week. Isn't that just a glorious message from God?

So, this meeting is my favorite, but it does propose one challenge for me. The man who has terrorized our district for several years attends this group. This is the man who was once my friend, but whose mental illness has caused him to choose homelessness and refuse help. His entire life is AL-anon. His family has written him off and he literally spends his day getting from one meeting to another. He steals bicycles as transportation to get around. He hates me. He is obsessed with me because he hates me. He also hates several other people and is obsessed with them as well. He will approach people after meetings with a sense of urgency and drama, saying he needs to speak to them about "so and so". Last week it was me he needed to gossip about. But the person he choose is not only a strong Al-anon with no problem enforcing boundaries and refused to engage with him. Seems he is obsessed with me as I am the GR who brought the ban against him from my home group. He is as well obsessed with the other members from the 3 other groups he has been banned from. So, you can see I do not relish coming to this meeting every Saturday. It is a challenge to sit in a room for 2 hours every weekend with this very sick man. Today he was scheduled to be the chairperson. As he constantly signs up to take this position, he is always present. Today, however, he was not. I was relieved. And the spirit of the room was very relaxed. No one took the chair position today, so I did. How ironic...I took his position. Gotta love THAT message from God.

After the meeting, I was talking with a pal outside the church gift shop, that was closed. The woman who runs the gift shop went inside to get something. I didn't know her but my pal did, and they waved hello. When she came out, she walked over to us with something in her hand. I thought she was going to give it to my pal, but she reached out her hand to me and gave me a small white card with something written on it. I thanked her and she waked away.

It was a card with hearts on it that said "This is for someone special"....and it had a short bible verse about women. Hmmm....isn't that sweet, I say to my pal. A total stranger hands me a note of love. How cool is that? So we continue to talk, and a few minutes later, she return with a bag of poop. Yeah, a bag of poop. From her dog. She had gone into the gift shop to get a plastic bag to go pick up the poop her dog made when she was walking him/her on church grounds. So, she returns to throw out the poo, she comes to us and says "I don't even know what the card says, I just felt the Lord tell me to give it to you. I picked it off the shelf and have no idea what it says". Wow....it's a card that says I'm special and a prayer about women, I tell her. She smiles and says something like God just knows, doesn't he? Yup...he does. He just does.

God always talks....but are we always listening? Nope. But for me, for today....I am.

Gratitude

2012-02-17T22:59:00.000-05:00

Today in gratitude land

1. Depression and anxiety was a lot less
2. Got a lot of work accomplished despite disliking my company
3. Went to a new meeting, which replaced an old sick meeting
4. Had a decent hair day
5. Jackson is getting more hours at work, makes him feel good to be self supporting
6. My car is ready (So says the slimy mechanic)Picking it up tomorrow
7. Looking forward to my sat meeting
8. Irma, Antonella, Yoli, Frank called to see how I am
9. Someone told me I am a good mother last night
10. Had a nice long chat with Palmer last night
11. I got some house chores done
12. I'm working more on my art

"There is pain in changing and there is pain in staying the same. Choose the one that moves you forward."

2012-02-17T08:31:00.002-05:00

Challenged

2012-02-16T23:38:00.002-05:00

I am unhappy. I am beginning to work the 12 steps again.

That's it.

Not

2012-02-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

..gonna quit. No, no, no. I want to.But I won't.

Today was my day to feel good, take a day off from work, do my nails, enjoy the day how I want. But then I woke up. Yeah, woke up with anxiety. Depression. Sadness. General poopiness. :( Damn.

So, I did what I've been taught to do. I prayed. I listened to a positive power sermon from Joel Osteen. I sent out some Valentine love texts to my pals. I got a few back. I called my bestie. I dumped my stuff on her. She told me it's ok to cry. I did. I was worried my depression was returning, as it's been 2 weeks since the last cry. I am afraid. But I ain't quitting. We made plans to go to the park with her and her 3 year on son, Connor.

She and Connor brought me lunch: tuna sammich, chips and diet coke. Then, after lunch and play time, little Connor gave me a surprise. He asked me to be his Valentine....and gave me a heart shaped box of candy.

Yeah...this is what happens when I don't quit. That was the sweetest thing ever. She and he thought about making me happy today. I am blessed. Lucky. Loved. I know it. I am grateful. And I just ain't quitting.

Tomorrow

2012-02-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a mental health day tomorrow. I will practice loving self care. I will pamper myself, maybe visit a friend. Do my nails, fix my hair and just be very good to me. And then I will go visit my baby. It's his birthday. My little tiny tad pole of a son turns 20. On Valentine's day.

As Steve would say "Grin".

Heard in a meeting today: "It takes various levels of heat to cook certain foods. Soup has to boil hot to taste good, but beans may need a higher temperature to become edible. Adding different levels of heat is needed depending on the food. Adding certain levels of "strife" or situations, or pain, or problems is what's needed for us to grow as humans".

Ok...I get it now.

Well...

2012-02-12T14:25:00.001-05:00

It's a sad day for many of us. Especially those of us affected by addiction. To see a beloved, beautiful woman and voice die way too early from what will probably be revealed as addiction. Xanax, bathtub...doesn't take a rocket scientist to know what that spells. How sad. A young daughter is left with the largest loss a girl can feel. Her mother. So sad. So needlessly sad. And this is addiction, and it kills. Every day, in so many different wants. Let's hope that someone who is abusing Xanax might be scared into sobriety as a result of this loss. God bless Whitney Houston.

Today I feel lonely. Again. It happens on Sundays mostly. The house is too quiet. I get lost in the sadness of my loneliness. I do all the right things. Attend multiple meetings a week, spend lot of time with friends, I exercise, speak on the phone often, sponsees, work...but I am still missing love. My significant other. When I begin to feel this way, I go to a resource that instills in me the *reminder*. God. And, Joel Osteen is a good messenger of God's. I listen to his sermons on YouTube, and they always, always, always give me faith. He tells me I need to thank God NOW for the man I am to love. Give gratitude in advance. Faith is what fuels God, he says. I believe it. It's everything I've learned in Al-Anon. So today, I am faithing it till I make it.

One step, one tiny step at a time.....Thank you God for sending me this wonderful man!

Woot woot!

R.I.P.

2012-02-11T20:42:00.001-05:00

~Whitney Houston~

★
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`·.¸(¯`·.·´¯)¸ .·

★
(¯`·.·´¯) (¯`·.·´¯)
`·.¸(¯`·.·´¯)¸ .·
×°× ` ·.¸.·´ ×°×

×°× ` ·.¸.·´ ×°×

I suck up a lot of stuff

2012-02-09T21:47:00.000-05:00

..for those I love. Or, really just the *one* I love. My tiny little boy child. I do, I suck up a lot of his doo-doo. I guess that's what unconditional love does. Today at 4pm he calls to ask if we can go grocery shopping. He lives off campus and needs good, so we go once a week. I did have plans to take a run but hey, today its rainy so I can let it go.So I offer to go alone since it's closer and easier. I take the food to his place, he sits in the car with me for 5 minutes to *visit* and then hauls ass inside. Seems he didn't have much time to say a nice goodbye, so i call out the window to him "Goodbye Jackson"..his snorts back "I said bye!".

Uh ok..."Thanks for adding to my nice day, boy". Not with a snarl, did I say that, more with a soft sigh. He is just being 19.

So when I get home, I get a text that says "Thank you for the food, Mommy, I love you".

How did I reply? Did I rip him a new one cus my feelings were hurt? Nah...I suck it up. Because I remember how important IT is. IT is really important. My son, our relationship, having serene moments between us. THAT is what is important. So I replied with:

"I love you like One Thousand xoxo". That's a reference to when he was three years old...and he thought 1,000 was the highest number on the world. He would tell me he loved me THAT MUCH. And I, of course, love him back the same...So, sucking it up is what we do...when we love.

2012-02-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

Extreme hopes are born of extreme misery.
- Bertrand Russell

Hope is a waking dream.
-Aristole

I killed an elephant

2012-02-07T20:44:00.001-05:00

It was pink. And he's gone. As much as I love my favorite color of pink, it was time for him to go. I had an issue with a close friend last week. Something about what he did upset me and I had to voice it to him. He is someone I feel very safe to do so. So I did. Or at first, I did, partially. I left him a voicemail on the issue. I didn't hear back from him and the next day he came to speak at my home group. We later went to lunch with a group of people, but wasn't the right time to discuss it. No privacy. So, I waited a few days, sent an email and asked him to call me.

And then he called me. Except he hadn't read the email. So I asked him to read it and call me when he had time to talk. He did tonight. I said what I meant, meant what I said and said it will love. He listened. He didn't defend, didn't get upset, just listened and acknowledged. Will this change things in the future? I feel it will. Though cannot say for sure. But this I know: Someone I love did something that bothered me. I addressed it, instead of ignoring it. I didn't express anger or judgement, just feelings. I was heard. And we are still friends. And this is all a great feeling. I am growing and recovering. I have one less pink elephant under my rug and still have a great friend.

And look ma...no elephant poop!

God quotes

2012-02-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

"When the solution is simple, God is answering"
Albert Einstein

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls"

Mother Teresa

"I gave in, and admitted that God was God"

C. S. Lewis

"Faith activates God - Fear activates the Enemy"

Joel Osteen

"God enters by a private door into every individual"

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Let's learn to trust God"

Joel Osteen

Get God

2012-02-05T22:34:00.002-05:00

Maintaining and enhancing my spiritual condition is pretty much the main priority of my life. Strengthening my knowledge of who God is and just how much of a priority I am to him is paramount to my being happy and serene. I just forget a lot and often. Today I was sharing with a friend how lonely I get at times. I miss the sound of having other people in my home. I miss my son. She reminded me...."Did you forget God again?". I did and I do. I forget who is God is, I forget he IS the source of every need I have. I forget he hears my prayers and I forget he wants me happy. And, of course, I forget that it's HIS will I want in my life. So, when I am meant to have a partner, the RIGHT partner, I will.

I wish I didn't forget so much. But then that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Then I wouldn't have to practice faith so much, would I? Faith without works is dead. Faith is the catalyst for God moving mountains for me. Faith is my spiritual currency, the fuel for my spiritual movement. Faith is my gift of gratitude to God.

And it's God's favorite gift. Just the right size and exactly what he asked for. How cool.

2012-02-05T07:03:00.000-05:00

Source: google.com via Jamie on Pinterest

Every parent's nightmare

2012-02-04T19:03:00.000-05:00

Is to get a call in the middle of the night from your child. In crisis. It had never happened to me. Until last night. At 12:30am, Jackson called me, waking me up from a dead sleep. I was confused because I was asleep and only heard him say he was at a club in downtown Miami, his designated driver decided to undesignate himself, and drink alcohol. And Jackson was left stranded. I jumped into action, got the name of the club, not the address, threw a jacket on over my pajamas and flew out of the house.

I called my pal Joe to google the address for me. Luckily Joe works over night so I knew he'd be awake. My car had no gas and my cell battery was low, so I was in a panic. But I kept on. The thought of my child in a seedy club in a shitty part of Miami was not a good feeling. I hate that he goes to these places, but....I know he doesn't go there to socialize. See, he doesn't drink alcohol. Bars hold no interest for him. He was working a gig with his school radio station, a live event, as the engineer. And the people who were "supposed" to be working it with him, drank. Including the dickhead who promised he wouldn't. This twit made a commitment to him that he would take him home at 11pm and remain sober. He totally flaked out on my son. How's that for integrity?

So, I drive the 20 miles to the creepy part of town and prayed. Prayed hard. I was scared. I called my ex husband, to go with me, or at least stay on the phone with me. No answer. He sleeps with his phone off. Typical. This child is mine only. I always sleep with my phone on because I HAVE A CHILD I LOVE. Is there any other choice? Not for me.

Jackson gets in, thanks me profusely, which I always find so odd. Of course, I appreciate that he is grateful and shows his gratitude, but I just feel like I am supposed to be here for him. It is the requirement of this gift I have of being his mother. I mean...this is my boy. Don't thank me for loving you as I should. But, how nice it is that he is so appreciative of inconveniencing me. He slept at our home, glad to be safe and secure. He told me he should not have had any expectations of his friend. He wasn't angry at the guy, he was rather accepting though annoyed. What a sweet, forgiving man my son is.

Today, Jackson told the program director of the radio station what happened. The PD didn't like what happened. He apologized and said they would establish a "designated driver" policy when on station events like that. And then he said he would pay Jackson for his time for the event, even though he isn't required to do so. Well how cool. Jackson's good attitude paid off. In change of policy and in compensation. Isn't that always how God works? I am grateful for having a son who values his own life by choosing to NOT get in a car with a drunk driver. That he trusts me to help him and that I was able to help him. Much to be grateful today....even though I am absolutely exhausted from lack of sleep. Well worth it.

Bullet Points

2012-02-03T22:23:00.000-05:00

Lazy & sleepy, I'm gonna write a cheat sheet blog today.

Someone at work is irritating the snot out of me by trying to control me. She is in a lower position than I. While I should be laughing at it, I am not. Its pissing me off and occupying space in my head. I will work on letting that skank out of my beautiful and recently serene brain
I got my car from the mechanic, so far so good. After 10 weeks, its about FRIGGIN time
I have a minor resentment with a rather good friend who doesn't know how not to be codependent these days. I am working on THAT issue to let go of too
I reached out on all these issues bothering me, talking and listening and wanting to let it all go
My annual physical today revealed my blood pressure is so good, Im cutting back on the meds and may go off it altogether soon. Yay for that!
Last night a very young sponsee called me at 11:30 with "heyyy let's chat". WTF? I said I was sleeping, asked if it was an emergency & when I heard "no', I said "Bye" and hung up. Really...? I have to set boundaries with a person to NOT call at an indecent hour?
And finally......God is the solution to all the above and I will go seek him now!

Day 3

2012-02-02T22:02:00.001-05:00

..of no anxiety. No depression. I am so thankful.

The pink cloud is still floating, with me riding. I have no thoughts that this will last forever, but for today, I am enjoying and appreciating it. Thank you to those of you who have prayed and commented about my friend, Y, who was suffering yesterday. She is home today, resting with some pain from the spinal, but she is much better. I am so thankful. The thought that one of her aneurysms may have bled was too much to consider. It's just not an option for her to go away from me.

Ok, so here is a funny story about my higher power. God has quite the sense of humor. My former husband was my first love at the age of 17. I was with him until 35. His name begins with a J, has 4 letters. After my divorce, I met another man who was the second love of my life. His name began with J and had 4 letters. Hmmm ummm..same name. Yeah...what a "coincidence". So what are the odds that would ever happen again? Ah..well...I don't know the stats but....the last man I was connected with, well his name begins with a C and has 4 letters. So, that's over and now I am sticking my toe back into the dating waters and a new man I've met, well HIS name begins with a......C...and yes, has 4 letters. And yes,.....is the same name. And is the same age. AND is the same very tall height.

My higher power is clearly Henny Youngman.

2012-02-01T22:13:00.001-05:00

UPDATE: No bleeding :) yay yay yay and yay! But she does have low BP so she stays overnight. Thank you, god. It was a close call!

Knowing what's important

2012-02-01T20:51:00.001-05:00

In small news today, my anxiety and depression were low. Thank you God. But in big news today.....

One of my closest friends, who is also a sponsee, became very ill today. Spoke to her in the morning, said she had a bad headache and body felt lousy. She does NOT practice good self care. 3 kids, husband, in laws, parents...she is always care taking others, leaving herself last. Today was no exception. She insisted on taking her MIL somewhere instead of staying in bed. Towing behind her 3 year old son, to boot. I was sitting in my noon meeting when she texts. She was in trouble. I stepped out to call her. She was on the side of the road, with her son in the car seat, and she was vomiting. Her headache became debilitating and she couldn't find her husband. I offered to leave and come get her. She said no. So I went anyways. SHE has been there for me on numerous occasion, it wasn't even an option.

Picked her up, took her, her son to the hospital. 5 hours later, she was drugged out but still in pain, CT Scan reveals the 2 aneurysm's she already knew she had. Yup...not one, but TWO. She had surgery two years ago to "coil" them. Wrap them so they wont burst. But its no guarantee. When you got aneurysms in your head, you need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Doctor said she needed a spinal tap to see if they bled. Only way. She's had bad experience with past spinal tap, doctor made mistake, she had temporary paralysis. Not fun. We all asked questions of the doctor. She refused the spinal. I asked her if she could go home and not wonder and worry if she had or would have a bleed out? That made her think. I suggested she have them call her personal neurologist to get his opinion. That seemed to give her comfort. As I walked her to the bathroom, I told her when she feels better I am going to stage an Al-Anon woman *self care* intervention on her ass and we are going to force her to take better care of herself. She eats likes shit, doesn't take her meds and vitamins and runs herself ragged. This will stop because I am going to beat her ass.

She is now undergoing the spinal. I left to go home and eat dinner. Her husband will call me when they have the results. I have sent out prayers and requested them of our fellows. When I first spoke to her husband on the phone from the hospital, telling him what was going on, he thanked me and said he "owed me big time". Hah....he is nuts. He owes me NOTHING. She is my family and this....IS...what we do for people we love.

Please say a prayer for my dear friend...Y <3

What a day

2012-01-31T22:44:00.001-05:00

God...came through in a big way today. And I needed it. It was a better day today, to say the least.

I feel like all the prayers I've ever made came to fruition today. I feel like the freedom from bondage has been released. I feel light, I feel.....free. Maybe like a balloon that has been lifted from the hand of the little child who has held it too tight and Poof! up it went. Can you believe it? After so much pain for so long. I don't know how long it will last, but it's here and I am appreciating it.

I awoke to a less anxiety filled day. A less depressive day. Yesterday kicked my ass. It was bad. Very bad. I am powerless over depression and ever more powerless over Paxil. My doctor gave me a new med. Began it today, BUT, it's not the med that made me feel good. Takes several weeks for meds to kick in, so I know it was God. And prayers. Because besides feeling emotionally and mentally better, I found peace somewhere where else, from someone else. Someone I have never met nor spoken to before.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. That is true. I have been seeking something for several months and today I found it. Understanding. A certain understanding of someones choice and today I found it, I heard what I needed to hear. From the stranger, on a website, who has been there before. She shared her experience, strength and hope. She is not a 12 stepper, that I know of, but her sharing of an incident brought me such peace, tranquility in understanding, I just knew it was God sending me the love, the light, the freedom I had been wanting,....needing. I am on a pink cloud that I haven't felt in a long time.

And I'm gonna ride it all the way up.

It's arrived

2012-01-31T15:44:00.000-05:00

My miracle has finally arrived.

More will be revealed soon.

God is good.

Powerless over my brain

2012-01-30T16:47:00.000-05:00

My brain is broken. I cannot trust it. I should not listen to it. Yet I do. It's hard not to. It's hurting me. My brain needs help. I'm trying. Those commercials are right: depression hurts.

I had another horrible side effect yesterday from the Paxil, even though I stopped taking it. Felt faint again, blood rushing to my face, feeling like I was going to pass out. Happened at church. Hadn't been to church in ions. Went to meet a friend and her family. When it hit, I started to cry again. It just scares the hell out of me. I left early, went home to eat lunch and breathe. Breathing isn't too easy these days. Every morning I go through a spell of anxiety, tears, heaving crying. It passes and I push myself to do the next right thing. This morning's anxiety was hard. I forced myself to meditate with head phones and guided meditation from YouTube. It helped a little. I went to a meeting, worked. All forced. When I feel stable, I am in fear that it will return. Even when it subsides there is no real relief because the anticipation is looming.

But I have good friends. Really good friends. People who reach out to me, offer me visits, calls, hugs, hope, love. It is the biggest comfort to me. I am eternally grateful. I could not endure this without them. Even my ex husband. I won't forget his help too.

I am trying to understand why this depression came to be. I now believe that it is anger that I have felt towards someone and have not been able to voice it. I feel unheard and feel I have swallowed it. Just like the resentment analogy: being resentful is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I have not been externally angry. I thought I passed that mark a while back. I think I am partly angry at myself. For bad choices, for accepting unacceptable behavior, for not taking care of myself. For denial, for a lot of ignorance. I need to stop judging myself so harshly and I need to forgive myself. But how....?

That's the next step. How?

Things I need to remember

2012-01-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

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My brain hates me

2012-01-29T14:39:00.000-05:00

It just does. This fucking depression needs to grow a pair of balls and get the fuck outta my head. I'm getting pissed so it better watch the fuck out cus I'm gonna kick its fucking ass.

Hows that for rage? Ive always heard that depression is anger turned inward. I never understood what that meant. Ive done some reading and think I have a better understanding. From what I now understand, its anger that is improperly expressed, internalized and like a missile, its misdirected and aimed at myself. This in turns, hurts me, causing depression.

I read about a young girl whose sister died at age 5 from encephalitis, yet the girl, who was 3, blamed herself. Few weeks prior to her illness, the 5 year old fell and cut her lip while playing with her sister. She blamed herself, thinking the cut lip caused her illness. She didn't expose her self blame until her 20's, holding that believe all those years that it was *her* fault her sister died. Can you imagine that? I think my depression has been caused my self blame. So invisible, so quiet, so toxic. Someone hurt me, did something so hurtful and I must have caused it. And that makes me angry. Because I have not be allowed to vent or voice my anger to them, I haven't been heard, I turn it back unto and into me. My God...what a mind fuck.

I woke up with anxiety, crying, feeling alone...all the typical shit of depression and I'm sick as hell about it. I cant take the meds until I get something new tomorrow, and I gotta figure a way to get through today. I am pushing myself to go to mass, which I haven't done in years. I'm going to exercise with a friend. I even called my ex husband just to talk to someone. He isn't the hardware store exactly anymore, he tried to be supportive but it really wasn't all that reassuring.

I'm starting to peel some serious layers of the onion as to why I'm self angry. I don't like what I'm seeing and I think I have a huge amount of forgiveness to grant myself. Crap and a half...I'm sick of growing through shit anymore.

I am loved

2012-01-28T16:55:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I almost passed out during a work presentation. Long story short: my new anti-depression meds are jacking me around. Side effects of extreme dizziness, hot-cold flashes, red face and general shittyness are kicking my ass. Seems I forgot to eat breakfast, coffee only, is not a good combo. So I cut my dosage in half, ate breakfast as she told me to (and coffee) went to my morning meeting...and almost passed out again. Something ain't working right. I guess if I have to pass out, being in an Al-Anon room is the place to be. Shit, what is wrong with my brain?

I had several friends sit with me, get me water, worry about me and keep me uplifted. That was the first bit of love I felt. They were so good to me, I don't know why I was surprised. I guess there is always that small, left over piece of low self esteem that just cant believe I am important to anyone else. I'm sad to know this is still within me.

At the same church as my Saturday home group, our district was hosting a "Relationships" workshop. Relationships with God, Self and others. 3 separate topics. I chose to attend the meeting first, then sneak over to the workshop. Since they scheduled the workshop at the same time of our meeting, by mistake, we had a smaller crowd, 10 people. And the chairperson didn't show. No one else stepped up to chair, so I did it. I'm there thinking how shitty I feel, feeling faint, much like it feels to have a low BP moment, yet I have the ability to chair. So I tell the group I will be your chair until and unless I pass out, so please have your phones ready to call 911. I felt safe that at least one person would do it. So I just pushed forward, I don't know how, I really don't. Several people had said my face was white one moment, then red the other. I was a twirling candy cane today. :/

After, I go to the workshop, where my friends again plopped me up in a chair, gave me hugs and even some napkins because the tears were plenty. As soon as the dizziness had started, the tears did too. I am afraid. I know I can changes meds, but I am afraid the depression wont be treated well with all these changes. And this depression is hurting me. A lot. The crying started again this morning before I even left home. The lack of enthusiasm and introduction of apathy has made its way into my life. I just don't care about much. Sometimes that feels ok, means I obsess less. But also means I feel less. And I like to feel. I just prefer *good* feelings. But at this rate, I'd be ok with bad feelings because I want my color back. I want my hope back. I want my love back.

I sat with 2 of my sponsees today. These young girls are taking very good care of me. One of them I have written about here briefly before, *A* is the most darling woman ever. She was very attentive to me, rubbing my back, getting me whatever I needed, most importantly words of encouragement and hope. The other, the new girl who is so much like me, *S*, did something to show me love. I had gotten up from my seat for something and when I returned there was a love note on my chair. This is what it sad:

"Christina,

You are a valuable, courageous, and loving woman. I am very grateful for you. I appreciate how much you support me. I look forward to knowing you more! Thanks for the Friendship, Understanding, Communicating, Kindness. Love, S"

Well....yes, I AM loved. Again, I am shocked that these women love me the way they do. On the surface, in my intellectual mind I know that I give a lot to my sponsees, to my fellowship. I know I am a *good AL-anon soldier* and I AM worthy and deserving, but.....during the hard times like the one I am going through, I revert back to the child who feels undeserving

Later, during a break I'm walking past a table where Robert is sitting and wave hello at him. Robert is a very good looking man, my age, who has been around about a year. I say good looking because we don't have many hotties in our district here. That being said, he was going through a lot of pain initially with a drinking wife. He is in divorce process now and seems to be in a better space. So I wave hello, he gets up, walks to me and gives me a huge hug and says he wants to tell me something.

He completely floored me with what he said. "Christina, I heard you speak the other night and I want you to know that you have so much love to give. You are love, you radiate love".

(((Gasp)))......Tears started to well up in my eyes. How did he know I needed to hear this...today, I'm wondering. I say thank you, telling him I appreciate it, but he goes on with such a look in his eyes of, I don't know....truth maybe. He kept telling me how I always laugh, always try to put a humorous spin on my sharing and end it with something loving or wise. Yeah, I will admit that when I share in a meeting I always try to be light and close with a powerful, positive message. I just try to keep it in the solution. But these days of late have been hard. What Robert didn't know was that because I have been feeling rejected by a man who was one day my friend and literally the next day he wasn't, without explanation, without the courtesy of a goodbye, I have been feeling unlovable, that is was my fault. Yes, that's what we Al-Anons do. We own someone else's blame. But in hearing this handsome, sweet man tell me I am love.....well....kinda made me believe that yes, I AM love. I give love....and I gave love to this man. But, sadly, he didn't give it back to me. But at the end of the day, its about my sidewalk, how I walked down it, how I maintain it and how I chose to continue the walk. I walk in love.

Today I KNOW I am loved.....and I am love.

Ups and Downs of Life

2012-01-27T19:31:00.002-05:00

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong.
School, family problems, severe health problems, etc..
Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake. She asks her
grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
" Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by
themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a
wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way.
Many times we wonder why he would let us go through such bad and
difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these
things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him
and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!"

2012-01-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

My doctor put me on a relatively low dosage of Paxil. Have had good results with it before. Im fully confident the same will happen this time.

Tonight was birthday night. Picked up a medallion. 42 people showed. Jackson presented me my medallion for the first time ever. Its too much for me to write about tonight. I was a mess. For the first time in my 12 step life, I couldn't speak.

And yeah, that's a first for me.

Holding on...and letting go...all at the same time.

Moving without feeling

2012-01-26T09:45:00.000-05:00

I'm going to the doctor today, hopefully to get my meds. Life is just....existing. I go through the motions and take joy in nothing. This must be what indifference feels like.

I'm going to pray and meditate for a few before a meeting. Holding on to faith. Or trying to.

It's official

2012-01-24T21:54:00.001-05:00

I am suffering from depression. No blood test, just finally acceptance. I have been trying to fight it but I surrender. The anxiety was the first sign. The lack luster feeling for life and finally the constant tears have sealed the deal on my self diagnosis. I;ve called my doctor, am waiting for her call back to discuss meds. In the mean time, I'm taking a natural supplement to help with depression. This is what I call practicing extreme self care.

In the past when Ive been hit with depression, I fought it and lost. I would try to heal myself with more meetings, books, whatever. But as with alcoholism, it is much more powerful than me. It;s amazing why I resisted the help available like medication. My pride...my desire to control. Whatever....it's always me centered. This time I've learned. ASK FOR HELP from a power greater than myself. In this case, my medical higher power. How simple. How not complicated. How very "letting go" of me. Maybe I'm getting it after all.

As most of you know, I have been very disturbed by the indifference of someone. That has always been the bain of my relationship with alcoholism. How it can make someone who once cared just not care anymore. You are important to me...Poof! Now you're not! Hurtful beyond words. So, to get an understanding of what it feels like to the person of indifference, the "perp" shall we say, I went to the source of all sources. The one who should know best, the one who has the most in depth experience in not giving a living shit about the most important people in his life: my ex husband. Yes, the alcoholic. I went to. For help. Uh huh, ok, kill me now.

So, I don't tell him why I'm asking, just I want to know "what does it feel like to feel nothing for anyone?". What does it feel like to be numb, to avoid the feelings you have for someone, or suddenly not care about anyone? What does indifference feel like??? His reply.....? "I don't remember". WTF???? See, he doesn't drink now, he doesn't do the indifference (for today) anymore. I tried to get him to recall those days when he walked away from us and just didn't care. Didn't it hurt you? Wasn't it miserable? Didn't you just hate yourself? But....he couldn't remember, all he said was "but that's NOT how I am today. I feel things way too much sometimes". Hmmmm....I think he did answer my question with that comment. I think what I heard was it hurts too much to even recall those days. That he doesn't focus on his self-centered indifference because it was like a nightmare that he doesn't want to relive. He couldn't say how he felt then, only that today is totally the opposite of then. So if today is good and manageable and he feels....then those days must have been....hell.

I got the answer I needed.

Denial

2012-01-24T10:27:00.001-05:00

When I'm in denial, I don't know I'm in denial, so its really no problem. Right? I mean, I'm not aware of a problem so there is no problem. But what happens when I KNOW I am in denial, I KNOW I don't want to be in denial and I WANT to accept my denial so I can feel better? Half measured denial. It's kind of like the alcoholic who attends AA meetings, but is still drinking. Inside, he knows he is alcoholic, because after all, he is sitting in a meeting yet knows he still drinks. But, he isn't ready to stop drinking. But he still feels like crap. It's obvious to me that if he is still going to meetings it means on some level that he wants to stop. He wants to change, he wants to let go. And that's how I feel.

I came to realize with the help of my awesome man friend, Keith, that I had been failing to accept something because it didn't have the label I am familiar with. Like when grandma makes homemade spaghetti sauce, puts it in a non-labeled mason jar, you taste it, it "tastes" like spaghetti sauce but because there isn't a "Ragu" label, you wonder.....what is this? It's looks like sauce, tastes like sauce and is poured over a bowl of pasta but.......

When someone who doesn't *look* like an alcoholic, someone I don't think is an alcoholic but who *acts* like an alcoholic hurts me, I get this puzzled look on my face. Like "Huh"? I mean, me...Miss recovery USA....queen of all things spiritual. Ambassador of acceptance. I could not "accept" this person as dysfunctional, as capable of falling under the label of "Dysfunctional perpetrator of thoughtless, hurtful, indifferent, abandoning, self-centered, fear based behavior" just because...he ISN'T an alcoholic. Talk about a mind fuck.

So, Keith reminds me that this person IS affected by this disease not as he carrier (alcoholic) but as ONE.OF.US. Ya know...a family member...an ACOA....a relative of an addict. Therefore, he, like us, has many of the same symptoms and YES INDEED can demonstrate the same, identical, nasty behaviors of the alcoholic. So I feel like I've just been bitched slapped. I knew his behavior was identical of the alcoholic, but....apparently I had placed him on a pedestal so tall that when he fell, by way of this hurtful behavior, I was left with "But how could he fall...he is this great, healthy person?".

I saw the behavior, I felt the behavior but the behavior didn't come from the alcoholic this time, so....
It had to be something else. But, in my new awareness, it's not. It's the same old shit. Unrecovered Alanonism. Oh yeah, I guess I had forgotten this key aspect. The dude has been to Al-Anon and decided...it's not for him.

Yeah, OK.

And now I'm saying "Thank you"

2012-01-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

Thank you God.....

Though today was a dark, depressing day of grief, yet I managed to spend time with a friend working out my body and my mind. Thank you for this great friend whom I love and loves me.

That Jackson found a friend to sell a piece of expensive software to that we would have lost money on. I am grateful that you took my anger about this from last August and found a way to get some money back.

That my friend Frank is a sweet heart who made right what he made wrong and is a great pal and light spirit in my life.

My pal Joe is a smart ass sweetie who loves me no matter what.

That I followed my instinct to turn down Jackson for something he wanted and followed up in conversation with him when my people pleaser dumped a ton of guilt on me. I conveyed my feelings and they were lovingly accepted.

That Joel Osteen tapes are available on YouTube, they give me comfort and remind me to thank and praise God....

When will I stop asking "Why"?

2012-01-22T11:10:00.001-05:00

Today is a challenging day. Ok, in reality, it is a shit filled day of absolute non acceptance, deep heartbreaking pain. And I just fucking hate it. And guess what? Before I stepped one foot out of bed, I made a mental gratitude list. A friend said it in a meeting other day that before she gets out of bed, she says a gratitude list and it made her day good. I say it and my day is shit. Figures.

It's not shit because of the list, it's shit because......I just hurt. I hate waking up most days, because I have to return to the consciousness of my reality. The reality is my heart hurts like a mother fucker. Someone did something so incredibly unfathomable and I cant seem to find a streamlined way of accepting it. Some days, I do. And I'm good. Others I'm not. In my 12 step world, I have been exposed to a multitude of people who have shared experiences of their "bad" behavior, or others "bad" behavior, of a wild variety of situations. But here is only one person I know who has had a similar experience. Just one. And in her experience, it was SHE was did the hurting. It helped me to hear her story, but I guess I just still cant comprehend it. She has moved away and is not easy to reach so I try to reply the conversation we had in my mind to get an "understanding" of why he did what he did. When she told me why she did what she did, it helped. I always have a need to understand the why's of the hurt someone causes me. It's like placing salve on a burn. It takes the sting away temporarily, but eventually, the throbbing, deep sting returns.

There is a page in Al-Anons "Courage to change" book that says trying to understand an alcoholic's behavior is like having "an itch for which there is no scratch:". I can scratch my bug bite for a few seconds, find relief, but if it's an alcoholic mosquito, the itch will return. I tell sponsee's all the time to stop asking Why? and start dealing with the "what is". So.....the what is for me is...my heart just hurts. I'm weepy, I cry, I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm disappointed.

And like Walter Cronkite used to say..."And that's the way it is".

I guess I done good

2012-01-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

I think I am about to die. I think I may get hit by a bus tomorrow. My time must be up because too much love has been coming my way. You know, people saying nice things to me, about me. A preview of my own funeral. Or maybe...could it be that I am just receiving something back that I've given out?

This week, as many of you know, has been absolutely full of pain. Anxiety...shit load of fear..cold to my core fear. It felt like I was entering another depression and that scares the bejesus out of me. I will do anything to not let that happen, IF it's within my control. So Ive been going to a lot of meetings, calling a lot of people, praying a lot of prayers and finally meditating. I am calling on all the principles I've learned and I am leaning heavily on the God of my understanding. Also been listening to a shit load of Joel Osteen on YouTube. Now THAT'S something.

So, as "coincidences" would have it, Ive been receiving a lot of....strange, profound and meaningful messages. First, after a meeting the other day I shared about feeling like I was entering a depression and that I'd be reaching out to my fellows, so they should "get ready". I've found that letting people know I need help is helpful to them when my energy vampireness comes a'callin. After the meeting, a delightful, loving and extremely grateful friend came to me and thanked me profusely for what I shared, how it helped her. By this time, I had forgotten what I'd said, so was kinda confused. After she reminded me, I couldn't see how anything I said was profound. But, whatever I said meant something to her and she returned the love to me..which, I needed.

Later, I received a call from a sponsee who was my very first sponsee back in the day. She helped to grow my recovery by leaps and bounds, then dropped out. She came back and asked me again to sponsor her and its my pleasure and great privilege to work with her again. So she calls and we talk about stuff..her now adult children are all doing very well, happy, have families. They once had some drugs and behavioral problems that caused her great pain. Out of the clear blue sky she blurts out "You know what Christina....you helped me raise my children into the people they are today". Oh shit......no really....oh....shit.

To be given any of that credit to the now well being of her children was too much for me to comprehend. The tears are just constantly under the surface of my eyes this week, I cannot control any emotional stirring. She brought me to a place that I could barely speak. To be included in a miracle of that magnitude moves me in a way I can't comprehend. All I could say was thank you and that it meant so much for her to think that.

My new sponsee, a young girl who reminds me exactly of me when I was new told me 2 days ago she has been looking for a sponsor since she joined 6 months ago. She just never found the one who she needed. We met by *Chance* 2 weeks ago at a meeting she had never been to, in an area very far from her home. She heard me speak in the meeting and a few hours later called and asked me to sponsor her. She tells me the other day how grateful she was to have met me...and says "I was looking everywhere for you but I couldn't find you until I found you". Somehow, in Al-Anon speak, that makes complete sense to me. Such beautiful words...when I need them.

Later, I get an unexpected message on Facebook from my dear, young sponsee *A*, wishing me a good day. Follow by that cute little red heart. I love that. She knows I'm going through a rough patch, so just because she is so loving, she took a minute to send some love. Earlier today, she again posted a message on FB telling me that I am a good friend. In fact, just a few minutes ago, she called me on her way to a party to see how I was doing today. Isn't that something? So much love, from so many....It's means so much, especially when I need it so much....

There are several more "I love you, Christina" events that have occurred in just this week alone. Too many to journal about here. Isn't that something...? Too many...too much love. Impossible. Never too much.

God IS love. People ARE his angels. And I am....eternally blessed and grateful.

Control anyone?

2012-01-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

Found this listed on Wikipedia when I googled "codependency". I have noted next to each one the following:

O - Old behavior
C- Current behavior
S- Sometimes behavior

Control patterns:

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.- O
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. -O
I become resentful when others will not let me help them. -O
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. - S
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. - O
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.- O
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. - O
I demand that my needs be met by others. - O
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate. - S
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. - O
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. - O
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. - O
I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities. - C
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. - S
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. - O

Shoot, for the most part, I'm doing ok. Who knew?

Anonymous says...

2012-01-19T23:13:00.002-05:00

Anonymous said...: Be brave. Hugs
January 19, 2012 3:36 PM
Thanks to whomever posted this comment today. For some reason, those words bring me peace. "Be brave". Be that little engine that could. Who huffed and puffed up the mountain, saying "I think I can, I think I can"...and doesn't give up. That's the "brave" little engine from the nursery story. You are right, anonymous, I need to be brave. Being brave isn't being unafraid, it's just "faking it till I make it". It's going through the shit when it hurts and frightens me. And yes, today, I am still scared. But, I won't quit because....my miracle is coming. And I want to be the first one who sees it. Be late to my own miracle? Not on your life, baby.
The anxiety is still present today, though slightly less. Thank God for that. The fear though is gripping me on and off. I started out going to a meeting. I spoke about the awareness I had today. About control. I realized I want to go back in time a few month and change the outcome of something. And since my time machine is in the shop, I can't. I can't do the impossible yet on some level I cannot accept that, so I'm stuck. Stuck in a place of non-acceptance. Now i have this awareness, it will all change....right? Nah. Probably not. I am just having such difficulty in accepting the behavior of someone else that was so terribly hurtful and simply incomprehensible. There's that 10 dollar word...from the big book. The alcoholic suffers from incomprehensible demoralization. There really is no better way to describe the insane choice of an alcoholic, how they live their life without morals. But in this case, the person isn't an alcoholic. That I am aware of anyhow. No, just a fearful, self involved, self absorbed, hurt person. hurt people..hurt other people. let me try to remember that. and hopefully, I as a hurt people....will try to not hurt anyone...even him, while I am in pain. nope, I wont hurt him. I pray for him every day. And I don't do it for him. I do it for me.

Not feeling good

2012-01-18T22:50:00.001-05:00

When it rains, it pours. When I cry, I can't stop.

Ive been crying/cry-able since Sunday. Three days of feeling down. Fear, anxiety, slightly depressed. Scary feelings. I am scared. I thought Sunday's tears were good, a sign that the damn was bursting, and the process unfolding as it should. I've been sad for a long while and was hoping this is the beginning of the end. Now, not so sure. The anxiety kills me, I don't usually have it. The fear feels like my little girl inside creaming out for her mommy. That terror of a child being without her only source of comfort. Mommy.

That is my *issue*. My inner security was, as a child, dependent upon my mother for my feeling of well being. Today, and most days, God serves in that position. But my foundation is being shaken and I am back to being that little girl. And I'm scared. I am sharing this with friends, asking them to be there for me and as usual, they are. My pal, Frank, called today unexpectedly. We had a great convo about recovery, the law of attraction and other gobbly gook. For some reason, he decided to pay me some meaningful compliments. Said I was a "good soldier" in Al-Anon, that I have much to offer and am a blessing to our fellowship. Wouldn't you know it, it made me feel better. God's timing is always perfect. I needed to hear it. I need hope. I feel lost.

I need to remind myself that if depression is returning to my life, there are solution. Medication has worked before, it will work again. I know its temporary and will pass. I need to get to the place of not just knowing but of being *aware*. There is a difference. I am aware of God....I just need to believe....truly, truly, and truly believe in him.

Who would have ever thought THIS would happen?

2012-01-17T15:49:00.001-05:00

God is shaking my foundation and I don't like it. I know he is doing it and I know I *need* it, but I don't like it. And I want it stopped. NOW. (But please God, don't listen to me) What do I know? I'm the twit who ran her life oh sooooo well that it landed in the front row of a ton of Al-Anon meetings. I'm lucky to have a God who doesn't do as I command. And who allows me to complain and who......gave me what appears to be a most incredible experience today.

I woke up with more anxiety and fear today. That "little girl" fear that makes me feel so alone, so sad, so scared. I had appointments to get to but had to what I could to care for this terror rummaging through my soul. I prayed and meditated. If you can call it that. I took my place in my meditation chair, wrapped the blanket around me, closed my eyes, and just said my prayers and spoke my fears. I tried to visualize God as I normally do. Us standing in a garden of vibrant flowers, God standing in a white robe (what can I say, I have the typical visual of my childhood God), with no face, but with gray velvet gloves. He has his hand outstretched to hold mine and its up to ME to take it. And I always do, in my meditation. With humility and gracious thanks, I accept. When I am in this meditative state, my heart fills with gratitude in knowing that God just wants me to be his trusting servant.

This morning my mind was so wracked with this fear it was hard to connect to him and find peace. The meditation only lasted a few minutes, I just couldn't relax my mind. So I just prayed for help to get through this day. I went through my appointments, with one being with my mechanic. I have been dreading this so fervently, and have been in such avoidance, but I could not avoid further. I was so scared to deal with this man, I called my ex husband whose car I have been borrowing for weeks now, and asked him to pray for me and the outcome with the mechanic. He said he would. Long story short, the outcome was better than expected. The mechanics wife apologized all over herself for THEIR errors and we have worked out what seems to be a good solution. I could not believe it.

But that's not the incredible incident. When I went home, my former husband came to pick up his car and lend me his other POS car. He had been driving the shitty car so I could drive the nice one. Yeah, this alcoholic who once hated me with a vengeance, was being of service to me. We were once the closest of close friends, my closest friend and of course, Jackson's father. Then he relapsed and for the last 8 years, we had been enemies. But today, sitting in my living room, I broke down in tears. Sobbing about my fears that I'm not doing enough, that I have a hard core, worn through fear that I will not learn how to pick a healthy man. And has I hung my head in tears, he walked over to me, put his arms around me, and held me tight. He kissed my head and said "You will find love again". And then he just held me. And I let him. It was a feeling of bonding that he and I had not felt in 8 years. It was the feeling of a man I had known and loved on different levels for the last 30 years, since I was 17 years old. It was the closest feeling I have since the unconditional love of my mother. And I just could not believe that God had brought us back together, as his spiritual children, in a loving way. This man who I once hated with passion and who once hated me equally.

I am awed by the power of God.

Hope

2012-01-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

“Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”

“Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.”

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

Crying

2012-01-15T21:54:00.000-05:00

For the last year, I have had trouble crying. I would feel like I needed to, or at times just wanted to but it wouldn't come. It is very frustrating to not be able to emote. I hate it. I am very crying-friendly. I don't apologize for it, it doesn't make me feel weak, it empowers me and though when it's a sad cry, I can't say I'm happy, but I am relieved.

So today the tears came. And came. And came. And, I think, still more to come. It started when I found the video I posted earlier. And later when I started listening to an inspirational leader well known to the world, Joel Osteen. I used to be critical of him in my ignorance. Now, I see him as a loving, non-judgemental carrier of the message. He reminds me that God thinks I'm awesome. That message has been what's driving the tears. I hope it means my tunnel is about to get light. The light is always at the end of the tunnel.

I;ll take just a ray of it, please.

I just forget

2012-01-15T15:53:00.002-05:00

I forget how mighty, how powerful and how loving my God is. I forget these things when I hurt. I'm like the child who goes to the doctor annually for a shot. I always know its gonna hurt, I will be wounded for days and my life will suffer terribly. Until the nice nurse injects me, and whaddyaknow...it was just a twinge. Just a little prick. I get a lolly pop and that makes it all better.

Then a year passes, and I have to go get that shot and I become fearful, hysterical all over again. Because I forget. I forget that like unravels itself as it should, when I believe. When I remember. That when I believe, trust and HAVE faith in God, I am loved, favored and protected. I forget these things when I hurt because the hurt is bigger than my faith. This needs to change. Well, lately, it has started to change. I have been blogging about faith, about *faithing it till I make it*, about believing that my miracle is coming my way, about knowing, feeling, and accepting God loves me like crazy and will deliver the love I am needing, wanting and missing. And will heal my sad heart. And so I have been putting one foot in front of the other and living my best life. I socialize, take care of my mind, my body, my health and my loved ones. And though my heart still hurts on most days, I still do this because it's what I've been taught. The alternative? Is to quit.

What is quitting? It's not caring about me. It's letting the shit thoughts in my head take the lead over the God thoughts in my heart. It's indulging in everything that's bad for me. It's isolating, it's not fighting for my rights, my emotional health, it's doing the opposite of everything my fellowship has taught me. It is, for me, spitting in the face of my higher power and giving into the emotional disease that wants me to die a painful spiritless death.

This morning, I was searching on YouTube for some videos, I don't recall which topic but somehow I came across a runner named Derek Redmond from the U.K. Back in 1992, he was favored to medal in the Olympics in Barcelona, Spain. During the race, he broke down, with a hamstring pull and nearly collapsed. He considered stopping, the pain was horrible, but...he says..he remembered "Where I was". It was the Olympics. You don't "quit" the Olympics. You go. You run. You walk. You crawl. You just do it.

As he hobbled on to finish the race, he saw that the other runners had already finished. But, he hadn't. He had not finished, so he pushed on. As he hobbled in obvious gripping pain like a wounded Gazelle, his father broke through the track security, ran onto the track to join his son. He ran along side him, put his arm around him so support him. He told him he didn't need to keep going, he had nothing to prove.

"Yes, I do" And on he went, crying, barely walking, with his father, together. Until he crossed over the finish line. He didn't quit. The crowd cheered him. They cheered a winner. A winner in the race of life.

This true story is a parable to my life, to your life, to our lives. My life is the Olympics. My every day life is a daily run for the Gold. To love my family, friends like the champions they are, to give back to my community who cheers in the stands as my life supporters, who run, walk, crawl along side me when I cannot do it alone.
To be the victor over my fears, my insecurities, my losses, this disease.....to be that winner who wins with your help and who in turn, will be there for you.....to help you win.

So, no today, I won't quit and I won't forget how much God is in love with me, that he will deliver me that extra piece of love that is missing in my life. I believe, I believe, I believe!!

Faithing it

2012-01-14T16:08:00.000-05:00

Today's hit list

1. Ate breakfast
2. Went to meeting
3. Ate only HALF of the muffin at meeting (Damn Al-anon women..bringing muffins & donuts)
4. Hugged a few people I didn't feel like hugging
5. Helped Jackson with a few items he left at home and needed
6. Had an awesome eyebrow wax by nice people
7. Got two spiritually nurturing books from the library
8. Ate lunch
9. Spoke to friends
10. Now listening to Howard Stern and writing this post

I'm just taking care of myself on faith. I am still sad some days, feeling the loss, feeling hopeless. But I'm doing everything I'm *supposed* to do. I'm waiting for my miracle. Believing, feeling it will come. Or, trying to.

One day at a time.

And then there was....me

2012-01-13T18:00:00.000-05:00

The holidays are over, work has begun and now Jackson has returned to school. And it's quite with just me....yes, me....here at home. <>. I will adjust, this I know, but still....the quiet just sucks.

Ok, let me focus on some good stuff. Today Jackson was informed he was hired for his first job~!! And not just any job, but for a 19 year old music major, his dream job. At the university music hall. So he gets to work with and for some giant musicians, the school faculty, students, musicians whom he knows almost all of them in an arena where it's all music, all the time. Yes, this IS proof he has a higher power. See, the music hall manger told him months ago there *may* be an opening in January and Jackson should email him then. The other day, Jackson told me he was going to contact him, but before he could, the manager emailed him. Asked if he was still interested, well sureeeeee, he says. Two days later, today, his hiring email arrives. Nice shot, God, just what Jackson needed. He has been wanting to be and feel more independent. 3 days ago, he finally got his drivers license. So, now he is becoming self supporting and independent. This is what a man needs to feel complete. To have a purpose. I am happy for him, so happy.

And so, back to me. I have decided this year is going to be the year of taking great care of myself. Physically, emotionally, professionally and more. I have begun taking yoga, I still maintain my running and biking. My spiritual health is still being well cared for in Al-non and I have made dedicated choice to meditate more. I am now beginning to focus on my career with the ultimate act of self care...to begin a plan of relocation. I am dying to leave Miami. I want seasons, I want a caring community, I want calm, I want culture. I have an idea of where I want, but am leaving it up to God ultimately. More will be revealed.

Oh, and tomorrow I'm getting my eyebrows waxed. THAT is something I just love! Self care, baby!

Message to fellow bloggers

2012-01-13T07:31:00.002-05:00

Timbre has asked me to deliver this message to a few fellow bloggers as she has left blogging:

To Di-Git
and LetGoLetGod
and uvaskris
"a note of thanks for your site, and for your visits to my site the last month or so, and for your comments, and also for adding me to your own sidebar, too! I've decided to discontinue blogging myself, but look forward to returning to your sites when I can. Life just got busier... Best wishes to you and yours."

My thanks also, to Smitty, Lou, Marcia, HaveMyelin, Grace, and Syd.

To Timbre

2012-01-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

Hello Timbre,

Thank you for taking the time to write me a note. I am touched at your gratitude and very sorry you are taking a time out from blogging. I will miss your words, but am grateful that at least I will have you to comment on mine. Your comments are always appreciated and inspiring. I am blessed to have the feedback of love and support from you and all the loving people who read my blog.

Please do keep reading on here and we will continue on the road to happy destiny...together.

XO

Christina

God

2012-01-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

God loves each of us as if there were only one of us

Don't look for God in the sky; look within your own body

You can tell the size of your God by looking at the size of your worry list. The longer your list, the smaller your God

It's then I have to abandon my sense of "control" or fear of the unknown and trust in God who has always been faithful to provide

Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to God for a faith lift.

Story of the first 3 steps

2012-01-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

In olden times, there were three lepers who heard that the blind and the lame were being healed so they could see and they could walk. The sick who asked for healing became well. One day, three lepers heard that the Healer was coming near where they had to live away from the community. The lepers said to each other, “Let us go near to the road and call out for healing.” Surely the Healer will hear us.” As the Healer drew near, three lepers began calling out loudly for healing. The Healer stopped as He heard them, and with compassion, granted them their wishes by telling them they were healed. Then, he told them they must go to the rabbi in their community to verify they were healed. The Healer then continued on his journey.

The three lepers stood looking at each other and asked what to do next. They had no evidence they were healed. Their bodies were still scarred from the leprosy. They argued among themselves about what to do. One did not want to go to the rabbi. The other was unsure whether to go or not. The third said, “Let us go to the rabbi as we were instructed to do. What else can we do except to go back to live in sickness and disease?” The three lepers started out on the dusty road to the rabbi with hope they too might somehow be healed. They clung to the hope that what the Healer said might come true. As the lepers walked toward town, they began to notice something was happening as they walked. The hope that started them on this journey was becoming physical evidence they were starting to heal. The lepers were beginning to see they were healing as they continued their journey.

When the lepers arrived before the rabbi to show him they were clean of their scars and wounds, the rabbi told them they were healed. They could return to the community and to their homes.

This parable applies directly to our recovery. In Step One, we are asked to become obedient to what is required of us to do for our recovery. We surrender and accept the directions for healing. In Step Two, we rely on hope that supports our quest to become healed and not look back to what we were. Step Three is where we make the decision to do what the Healer tells us to do. As we trust in the directions the Healer has given us, we find that we are becoming healed; that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Author unknown

Got it better than some

2012-01-10T20:11:00.000-05:00

On another non-recovery website I frequent, I have met some women who have recently ended relationships, or have been left. They are so distraught, which is to be expected. They re suffering heart break, which I can completely empathise with, But...the one thing that strikes me is they have no context of handling it with maturity. The have become child like, almost impotent of their power. These are 40+ year old women, with previous relationship terminations. It really shocks me, and saddens me, to see how they have absolutely no coping ability.

They admit the relationship was painful, toxic, hurtful and not in their best interest by any means. Yet...they continue to repeat the *opposite* of letting go behaviors. "I will never call him again, I am going no contact". A day later, they text, or email. NOT call, but same difference. They just cannot let go because they are so attached...and they don't remember the pain, They have a pain blocker called denial. Am I taking their inventory? Yup, because it was my old inventory. One million percent. I lived it. Over and over and over.

I share a lot of the solution with these women. I talk positive, I throw out every bit of spiritual common sense....and it does very little good. Except for me. When I hear them share with me how they continue to contact the ex, and get no reply, I feel their brokenness. The emptiness, the desperation and I feel the utmost compassion for them. Then,I feel incredibly blessed that I do not belittle myself that way anymore. That I do not destroy my self esteem that way, degrade my value. I have let go...no matter how much it hurts to lose someone, it hurts a hell of a lot more to lose myself.

I know these women cant get it just from words I share. They have to do the work I have done to get the feeling, the belief system I have, They may not even want it yet. They may not be ready. Thank God....thank you very much, God...that I am here, where I am and not there, where I was.

Meditation miracle

2012-01-09T20:29:00.001-05:00

After I posted about being so scared this morning, I hit my meditation chair. Its a recliner I have in my living room that is the perfect fit my for my body. I wrapped a small throw around my body, to feel "safe". I closed my eyes, said my third step prayer, and started talking to God. Aloud. About my loss. I just poured about the pain and I started to cry.

Something odd happened. This morning, after I washed my face and did the typical "fix my face" routine, I used a new facial oil lotion. All natural and supposedly will make me look 20 years younger. When the tears feel down my face, they slid so smoothly, almost like water dripping on glass, but the sensation was so warm. It was without hesitation and felt so soothing. I think it helped me to cry even more. Imagine being in tune with the feeling of tears? I had a good cry. I told God I was scared, I was sad, I was lost. And, it was within just a few, short moments, I was relieved. The fear was gone. The feeling of terror of being alone has simply vanished. I could not believe it, because I could hardly meditate. To still my mind in that fear was impossible, so I just chose to speak to God. And he spoke back....by removing my fear. Shortly after, Jackson woke up and came out to see me. He gave me a hug and a kiss and rubbed my back. It was as if he could see through the walls and saw me crying. It was that comforting and loving feeling and connection he and I have always had. he would always know when I was in a bad space and seek me out to comfort me.

Hours later, we went out for a drive and I asked him if he knew I was upset. He said no, that he just woke up and came to greet me. I dont know. We have this intuitive thread that runs through us. How lucky am I to have this person as my son?

The sad in still lingering, comes in and out. I am doing a lot of positive self talk. One foot...in front of the other. Rinse and repeat. A day at a time.

Scared

2012-01-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

The minute I awoke today, I felt so scared. That awful feeling inside like I was as a child when my mommy went away. I was so codependently attached to my mother as a child and when she went to the store or out with her friends, I freaked out. Thought she was never coming back. I dont know what I am afraid of but it feels like the relationship I lost wont ever come back and I feel alone.

Its a ghost that is chasing me. Or maybe, running from me. I *know* it's illogical and not real but that doesn't make ghosts any less scary. If your 5 years old. And its the 5 year old in me today that is fearful. I have kept myself busy this morning with chores and work, but I need to take time out for some serious prayer and meditation. And I think a very good cry. I hope for a good one anyhow. I feel a lot of grief in me. Letting go of someone, relationships ending, is grief.

Hello

2012-01-08T21:46:00.000-05:00

Busy day, no time to post till now. I'm glad it was busy, I need busy and told was busy/fun day.

For the first 2 hrs of my day I debated with myself whether or not Id go to the early yoga class or the late one. I wanted early but I tend to lolly gag in bed on the weekends. Push my butt outta bed by 9am on a Sunday is a challenge. But, today, I'm proud of myself that I did. Only to get to the studio and find out they had a special workshop and no classes today. Shit.

I made the most of it by doing some shopping in the area and that actually felt good. It was busy good. I got a lot of cleaning done at home and that feels great. Jackson and I went to visit Joe for lunch at his community clubhouse and had a great time chatting with his 8o year old mom and her boy toy, Tom, age 84. Tom was a rocking dude with a great sense of humor and quite a sweetie for Doris, Joe's mom. It was really cool to watch them enjoy each other.

So, wasn;t this a boring post? Yeah, nothing real earth shattering or inspirational, but guess what else it wasn't? It wasn't sad. Not melancholy. Not depressing. I'm not jumping for joy and there is no pink cloud but....the darkness is starting to lift. Just a little. And for that....I'm grateful.

UPDATE: Insulted

2012-01-07T15:28:00.002-05:00

**See below for the update**

Amazing. I am literally in shock at what occured in my Al-Anon business meeting today. Absolutely mind blowing.

We had a great spritual meetng today, 3 newbies, and good, powerful sharing. After, we held a business meeting in which I brought up a few housecleaning issues. There were 11 of us present, all people I know, most for years and years. I addressed our need for a speaker seeker position to which most all agree on. Because we've all been around for so long, we understand the need for structure and guidlelines in every group. THats why we have laws in our country, to keep the peace, avoid chaos and everyone live inharmony. Its no different in Al-Anon.

But try telling that to a certain new member. He has been around about 5 months, is highly intelligent, working in higher education. Has 4 degrees and very religious and spiritual. I have loved his long winded shares, humor and friendship. Until today. It became clear early into the meeting that he totally disagrees with our organizational set up. He wants our group to run with the *holy spirit*, put no restrictions on who should select the speaker, not have limits on amount of time a person wants to speak, and basically let us all do what we want in our group. IE; no boundaries. Hmmmmm.....what if the city of Miami says we can all drive as fast or slow as we like? Or, I can stand up in a movie theater and sing the National Anthem whenever I want and not get thrown out? Hey, if the *holy spirit* moves me, I gotta move!

So, as I was chairing the meeting, everytime he bloated on about why we have to have these hard ass rules, I tried to alieve his concern by explaining that the problems we've had in the past were due to having no boundaries. HE didn't like that. And his attitude got really pissy, with snide comments made under his breath. Finally, when I shred MY OPINION that having these guidelines, which has been around since the dawning of our fellowship, he spews out this:

"Spoken like a true control freak!". To me, about me.

And because he felt totally confident and justified in his lashing out, he got up and stormed out. Yup, the coward committed a drive-by insult & run. Said "This is not a meeting I am accustomed to". Apparently in HIS meetings, people all agree with him and are not permitted to share an opposing opinion.

To back track, after he laid out the insult, another member intervened and said something like "This is not the way we speak to each other, and I am uncomfortable with this". Good thing she interfered because I was JUST ABOUT to offer my retort. Ya see, 2 weeks ago, another mutual friend has a party, in which he was there. I brought a date to the party, introduced him to this man, and this Man says to my date the following:

"Nice to meet you. You have my condolences". A snide, disgusting reference to ME. Condolences for being on a date with ME. You know..a JOKE..ha ha funny funny. See, this *man* seemed to have a crush on me. In meetings, he always came to speak to me, had started calling me a lot and just generally showed interest. So, he sees me at a party with a man and turns into a turd. And today, whips out his insulting tongue.

By the end of the business meeting, I was fine, but the anger rushing through me was really the hurt I felt that someone who I really likes and respected had stuck a dagger in my back....twice. Just goes to show, some are sicker than others.

UPDATE:

So I get a call from *the man* a few hours ago. I was at the gun range with Jackson so no way to take the call. I thought for sure it was going to be an apology. But nooooooo. He said "sorry to leave the meeting early (oh so it was an apology?) but my son was waiting for me and I didnt have much to contribute, but I did want to hear more of your ideas and thought they were good. Maybe you'd like to enlighten me sometime".

And what was it. Does this sound like some crazy making to you? (nods head affirmativelt). Wish I could say I m shocked, but I'm not. He couldn't humble himself to aplogize. He obviously felt bad enough that he called me a few hours afterwards, but not enough to take full responsibility. Sound like any alcoholics you might know?

More proof that alcoholism IS a family disease.

no post today

2012-01-06T23:23:00.001-05:00

Cus I got 81 calls from sponsees that kept me tied up. But I have a good one ready for tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Psst, is that YOU, God?

2012-01-05T17:25:00.000-05:00

So today I go to a meeting not my regular meeting. I get there 2 times a month, every other week or so. I don't *love* this meeting, but its a cool time of day and I do dig few people there. Today, I see a newcomer with 6 months in other meetings, but new to this one. She is 22, and addicted to her girlfriend, who is a relapsed member of CODA. As she spoke, I heard all of me, 100%, 9 years ago. So addicted to another, so desperate, unable to imagine a life without this sick woman in it. Heroin. Her significant other is her heroin. And I totally relate to her one million percent.

I share my stuff, hoping I related my solution. It was a heavy meeting, many people in the kind of pain I am so damn grateful to NOT be in anymore. Thank you God for this reminder. After the meeting, I give her my business card if she wants to reach out, I am available. Less than an hour later, she texts me, wanting to talk. I set a time for 3 hours later. 3 hours later, I had a new sponsee. She has the desperation, the sick, addictive thought process as me. It has been years since I've seen anyone who directly mirrors my relationship addiction and now here she is.

Is this YOU, God? Is this a part of that miracle I've been asking for? If it is, I have to say it's not the way "I would have selected". I would have made it happen this way: *He* comes here, falls to his knees, professing love, swearing he's changed and begging for my affection. Ha ha ha...a girl can dream, can't she? But, if I know my higher power like I think I know my higher power...the miracle will come wrapped in unrecognizable wrapping. So, since *He* won't give me advance notice as to what my miracle is all about, I will have to be....(gulp)....faithful?

Never knowing what God's will really is

2012-01-04T20:05:00.000-05:00

Ive heard gods will is anything that doesn't hurt. Oh really? Well when God has a better plan for me and I am denied what I want, I hurt. So, isn't that part of the process of God dispensing his will for my life? Ah, I know, through every life a little rain must fall, but the nagging question remains in my head: who is the man I am meant to be with and how will I know?

Simple human doubt. Always resides within me. I am always so attached to feeding my instant gratification that I don't take that time to be still and know that *he* is my God and he is not obligated to tell me/give me all I want when I want it. I just hate not getting what I want. Or for me, the relationship I want. Because I question every time is this *the man* I a meant to be with. It doesn't help that I went to a psychic who told me what I didn't want to hear. She told me I will find love for the 3rd and final time but it just wasn't going to be with who I wanted it. How's that for not getting what I want.

I need to get closer to God. All this doubt means I'm too far away, and I'm not faithful. And I know I'm not. If I were, then Id have no doubt. Sometimes it sucks to be a spiritual being having a human experience. Id rather just be all spiritual, all the time. But, I'm not quitting. I'm walking, sometimes crawling, through the storm because I know my miracle is waiting for me. Maybe this is all the faith I can manage for today, but I sure would like to see a miracle in someone else to give me inspiration.

71 ?

2012-01-03T16:57:00.002-05:00

Well hells bells.....I just got to 71.

Thanks, friend...whomever you may be. Welcome to crazy town!

Yay for 70

2012-01-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

I now officially have 70 lovely people following me. I wanted to hit 70 by January 1st, but made it..he or she...came January 2nd. Am I dissatisfied? Nahhh...you came just when you were supposed to.

Welcome #70...whoever you are. I'm glad you're here. In fact, I'm glad you ALL are here.

TODAY'S CHARACTER DEFECTS

2012-01-02T17:51:00.001-05:00

1. Envious of a newly sober AA friend who went on a first date that lasted 48 hours. Yup, 48 hours. First date. Drove 90 mins to HIS house, slept there for 2 nights AND posted every single highlight on Facebook WHILE it was happening. And is now in love. First date. Facebook posting en masse. And I'm envious....why?

2. Depressed. End of vacation, dread returning to work. Dragging.

3. "Comparitis". Everyone else has the love they want, they're not old and alone. I am. My mind needs a thorough washing.

4. Anger. Exploded at Jackson when he continued to speak to me with a nasty, moody grunt. Though I AM undeserving to be spoken to that way, I am NOT entitled to explode. Amends have been made, shame remains.

5. Sad...though not a character defect, I still am....just...sad. Fuck sadness. It's over rated and I am frankly sick and fucking tired of it.

Gratitude list;

1. Been 12 stepping an ACOA from a website I frequent.
2. Got out of the house, took a drive, went to grocery store. Food in the house.
3. Gave a through cleaning to the kitchen, feels good.
4. going to an AA meeting soon with Jackson.

Just taking action, surrendering results and keep faithful. Or at least, pretending to.

It starts with a foot

2012-01-01T12:49:00.001-05:00

I wake up. Remember it's the first day of a new year. So I say to myself "Let's do this right. Fresh day". I ask God to make it good day. I say my 3rd step prayer and I ask God to tell "him" I love him". It seems my anger is gone, but the sad is still sad. But, I get my foot and I put it in front of the other.

I drink my coffee, I see so many voice mails, text's & emails from people sending me new year wishes. Some from people I least expected. Several from people I've 12 stepped during the year, thanking me for being in their life and helping them. Those are the best. The absolute best. To have that kind of love. One friend told me how grateful he is that I am so non-judgmental and that my attitude draws people to me. It touches me deeply. But then I think about the one I love who doesn't seem to be drawn to me anymore....

Alas, that is where my mind will go. To what I do not have. That's natural, grieving a loss these kind of thoughts are normal. But, I again find my foot....and put it in front of the other. I send out "happy happy 2012" love via text/email/FB. Fake it til I make it. I just do what I'm supposed to do. Next right thing. I even go to the dating site and run a search for my next, great love. But how do I find my next great love when I'm still in my current great love?

Starts with a foot, I guess. I got up, made breakfast. cleaned my room, organized my closet. I am practicing faith. With a foot. Today a foot, tomorrow....my heart?

One can only hope.

New Years message

2011-12-31T17:55:00.001-05:00

Even though I'm going through a sad now, I do not intend to give up my happy. I plan to accept invitations when I dont feel like it. To dress well, care for myself when I don't wanna. To pray when I need to and when i don't need to. To love the unlovable, to cry when I feel it and to just do the next right thing.

I won't quit. I won't.

Do the same, k?

PAIN!

2011-12-30T14:37:00.001-05:00

Is good. It is. I swear to God it is. Believe me. It is.

But it sucks. Big time. I don't like it and neither should you. But you need it. I need it. To change, to grow, to be better. It's the manure of recovery. So listen to this...

If you have a broken fingernail, how do you fix it? By running a rough surface over the jagged edge of the nail. An emery board. Piece of sandpaper glue onto a stick. Rough + jagged = smooth.

Got a piece of door moulding that is uneven, needs to be leveled? Use a plane, which has a rough, metal edge to tear into the wood to remove the defect, smoothing it out.

Have age spots on your face? Mild wrinkles, sun damage? Apply a chemical peel on your skin, let it burn for 5 minutes. It will sting your beejeppers off. It will dry, your face will cake tight and dry, turn red, maybe swell a bit, then it will peel off for days and you will look like a burn victim. And in a week, you will look 10 years younger, have the skin of a baby's butt and glow like a rose.

PAIN=CHANGE.

I don't know why God set it up the way he did, but he did. I guess I do know. Cus who the hell would want to change and improve their life if everything were going so great? We would just sit in mediocrity. As much as I know change, growth is critical in my life, it still hurts to grieve. To have loss. To feel sad, sad, sad.

I guess what I'm saying is....it hurts but I know it will pass and my rainbow will shine..someday.

Someday.

How do I feel today?

2011-12-29T23:47:00.000-05:00

Rather, tonight as "today" is almost over. How doI feel? My first reaction is "I dont know..how DO I feel?' That's the trick question for any Al-Anon....ask "How are you?" and we go into default "Fine!!". I'm fine, always fine. Which in 12 step world means "Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional". Yup that's me...fine!

Today I had a nasty allergy attack which always puts me into another world when I have to take the meds. So, I discount most of my emotions when under the influence. So it wasnt a horrible day, but it wasnt a glroius dy, it was just "eh". I dont like "eh" too much, actually. But all in all it was better than yesterday, so thats the upside. Still practicing acceptance, still not trying to change anyone, still mot forcing anyone to hear me, feel me, think like me, do what I want. As I read this, I think that these are pretty high accomplishments and I should be proud and grateful. I guess I am. I need to focus in and hone in on more faith. Im praying for it, but I need to do more. I need to read more stories of faith, maybe go to more meetings. I talk to 12 steppers every day of my life, but maybe I need to make a more concentrated effort.

The hardest test God will ever give you is to love someone even when they don't deserve it

- Unknown

Love hurts, faith helps

2011-12-28T19:36:00.001-05:00

I wish I could buy a bushel of faith. Just back my car up to the loading dock at the store of spiritual supply, order a dozen bushels of 100% pure faith and tell 'em to "load her up!". Then, when my heart hurts, as it does today, I can just walk over to the pantry, take a snippet of faith, sprinkle it in my tea and sit back and wait till it hits. Then I can say "Ahhhhhh, I'll feel better soon".

In other words I want INSTANT FAITHIFICATION! I do. No line, no waiting, no suffering. This is my fantasy drug. Some people want a hit off the crack pipe, smoke some dope, down a fifth. I just want some instant faith. They make instant for coffee, oatmeal, even sea monkeys...why not the one thing every human being is dying for....faith. Because. That's why. Ha...I'm funny.

Why? Because faith is the most significant element needed to live a true spiritual life. It is critical to remaining in the moment. To remembering that I must always maintain my surrender, that I am not in control of what is good for me, that God IS in control of my life, my heart, my healing, my destiny....IF I permit him. My heart hurts so much today. For whatever reason today is a painful, heavy hearted day. And I am feeling every crappy moment of it. I go to meetings, talk to my fellows, pray...but days like today still come. I am experiencing a loss and it just fucking hurts. I manage to tell myself that there is nothing I can do to control this loss. That I need this person to be away from me. That this is the way God wants it (Which I'm not sure I believe) and that if God wants this relationship restored, it will be. But....self talk doesn't help so much. So, I put one foot in front of the other. I live my life, faking a lot of it, but I do put one foot in front of the other. And pray for faith.

But I always question: IS this God's will for me? When/how will I see his will? The age old question every 12 stepper asks....how will I know what God's will is for me? Seems like I used to know, when I wasn't in pain. It's always easier to see when the sky is cloud free, but when the darkness arrives....and I cant see anything, I go by faith. It's dark today....I'm going to pray for faith in just a minute and then go back to what I was doing. Feeling. And not liking it.

Defects

2011-12-27T20:19:00.000-05:00

Too much time off = sloth, depression, eating chocolate turtles & general poopiness.

Ugh. So I got my ass outta bed, drove to UM to get tuba boy, turned around and drove 25 miles other way to go see Carnie Joe speak at his step series meeting. Step 6. Character defects. Sloth. Gluttony. Lust. Greed. Pride. Envy. Anger. These are the 7 deadly sins Bill W. wrote about in the 12 and 12. So, let's look at where I am in them.

Today, chocolate turtles made me slothy and feel like a glutton. Chocolate lust. Yummm. Well, it all resulted in an upset stomach. That would be a consequence wouldn't it?

Anger.....still falling between a light case of anger which has been lingering for 2 months. Some days it gets quite intense. Today is a low burn. Fueled by sadness and acceptance that the relationship is definitely over and I could never go back to it. I prayed for him during the closing prayer tonight. I hope it helps. Helps us both.

Pride....doing ok in that department.

Envy....not so great. thinking alot of what I want yet dont have. Not going to ponder on it, going to do what I can to change it. I am in early stages of planning my relocation. I want to move out of Miami by early 2013. God willing, that is.

Time for a gratitude list:

1. I had chocolate turtles today..YAY!!
2. Did what I needed to do, went to meeting...and Jackson went with me.
3. Did someone healthy for My body yesterday I was afraid to do. Glad I did.
4. Have a friend who is always saying they love me. So cool.
5. Had a good time with my friend who came in for the weekend. Great time!
6. Looking forward to interior decorating changes in my home.
7. Had a 12 step reach out call today. Nice feeling to help someone.
8. Cleared the air with a friend whom I had been avoiding. Great feeling!
9. My gf Laura is so loving to me...love her!!
10. I have God.

Christmas detox

2011-12-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

So now is the time for the wind down. All the hoopla is over, the "great expectations" that have been created for the last 5 weeks or so now have to be dealt with. This is a hard time of year because we, or I, can develop huge expectations no matter how much recovery I have in learning to NOT expect. I think the worst expectation I have is to be happier, more content than what is realistic.

It's no longer about gifts, or having that Hallmark family unit of perfection. It's just a desire to feel secure, content, and usually in love. This year, I have made a conscious effort to be in the moment and enjoy what I have instead of lamenting what I don't have. It has yielded good results.

Instead of focusing on the fact that for 8 years in a row my sons father has chosen to indulge in his selfish desires instead of being with his son on Christmas, I chose to appreciate that *I* get to spend it with him and enjoy the great gift he gave me which he wrapped in toilet paper. Yeah....how special. lol

Instead of obsessing or worrying that the family dinner at my brothers house would be wrought with dysfunction and drama, I decided to attend and *risk* feeling badly. We had a great time with a yummy dinner, good conversation, Jackson performing on the piano and a lot of laughing.

Instead of feeling forgotten, this year I received some thoughtful gifts, cards and much gratitude and appreciation from many people I love.

I also decided to tell someone how I feel about a hurt that was done to me. I have sat on this for too long and decided the gift I would give to myself this year would be the gift of fearless expression of my feelings.

You can't buy THAT is Macy's, you know. I hope you got to experience a little bit of Christmas peace this year.

Christmas treat

2011-12-25T19:51:00.001-05:00

Jackson playing some down home blues as after dinner entertainment.

Was a lovely Christmas.....for once, very little dysfunction.

We are blessed.

From me to you

2011-12-24T22:16:00.001-05:00

Thank you for loving me through my blog. Thank you for reading and caring. Please know I care about you all.

May God bless you today and always.

Merry Christmas xoxo

In case you forgot...

2011-12-24T16:38:00.000-05:00

If anyone needs someone to talk to, chat with...

email me: hapjoyfree@gmail.com

How to practice peace

2011-12-24T08:47:00.000-05:00

Accept what is

There is only so much we can affect. What we cannot change, what we cannot influence no matter what, should not be a concern to us. This is what I notice with so many people, in that we focus and linger on things which we have no control over. Why worry about something that all the worrying in the world will not change? Why care about what other people think of us when we’re not even sure what it is they are actually thinking? Once you open the blinds to this fact, and start accepting what is that you cannot change, you automatically relieve yourself of a mountain of stress and anxiety. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Taking this path is following a road towards peace.

Meditate

If you do not meditate yet, you are missing out on a very important activity that can change your life. Meditating for 20 minutes daily can have an enormous impact in all areas of your life. If you have a lot on your mind and you feel like your thoughts are driving you crazy, meditation can help you find peace. Simply close everything, sit back, close your eyes, and clear your mind of every single thought. Focus on the emptiness. You will be surprised what a mere 20 minutes of meditation can do to turn things around for you.

Care about others

You will never find peace by being self-consumed and only worrying about your own needs and wants. When you begin to genuinely care about other people, so much goodness comes right out. This only helps into solidifying your inner peace. It can be people close to you or pure strangers, but any act of kindness and goodwill eases your way towards peace. When I help other people, I stop focusing on my so-called problems and realize that my life isn’t so bad after all. This rids my entire being of all the stress and feelings of overwhelm. There is great peace and wisdom in thinking and caring about other people, which we are blind to when we are too deep within our own selfish ways.

Never lose hope

Hope is something you can never afford to lose. With hope you always have a path towards peace. Whenever we get too stressed out and overwhelmed within our own life, we forget that hope. We forget that the sun always shines after a rainy day, and that this is merely a bump in the road. I find immense peace in just knowing, deep within my heart, that everything will be ok. With hope, I know that whatever is seemingly terrible, is only temporary and that soon enough, things will be just fine. This lifts off all of that negativity from my entire being, and I feel better pretty much instantly.

Free gifts to give

2011-12-23T08:59:00.000-05:00

THE GIFT OF LISTENING
But you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response. Just listening

THE GIFT OF AFFECTION
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.

THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

THE GIFT OF A FAVOR
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.

THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank You."

Life is good

2011-12-21T22:51:00.001-05:00

What...? Is that ME actually saying this? Looks like it is. Tonight I wrote this on my Facebook status. And I meant it. Its been a lot time since Ive genuinely felt this way. Its been trying year, lot of ups and downs, and sadness has been a too frequent visitor in my heart and soul. But maybe its packing up its crap and starting to move on. I hope so.

Today my home group and I had a great meeting...since the disruptive member was banned, we feel now we are safe and can breathe. It's quite a relief. After the meeting, we went to our usual lunch spot nearby and had a few people join us who usually don't. One guy is recently divorced, and the holidays are hard. We tried to laugh with him and just glad he was open to becoming closer to his AL-a-pals. I so remember the days of holiday depression. I am not there today. Though I could be a lot happier I am content.

Tonight I was baking cookies and brownies for gifts when a knock came at the door. I was in my skivies as Jackson was in his boxers. We opened the door anyhow, cus we are sexually liberal crazy people...and it was 3 of his best pals, home from college. What a cool surprise! They came in, hugs all around and there was some really nice noise of chatter and laughter. They sat at the kitchen table and ate fresh, hot chocolate chip cookies. What a joy, I so enjoyed their coolness. These are all high achievers, no alcohol or drug users and just sweet kids. I was grateful.

In thinking over this week, I have received many gifts. Besides an early Christmas gift from a great friend today, I have received many Christmas cards, 4 Al anon "reach out calls", a request to know my shirt size for a gift, a very generous unexpected bonus, unepected money from the ex and treated to dinner by one of my brothers. That's lot of love. I am grateful I am aware of it, that I appreciate it and that it truly fulfills me today.

Doing what I don't want to do

2011-12-20T23:03:00.001-05:00

That's what recovery is all about. Growth opportunities. Doing what I just don't WANT to do, but need to do. I'm dating, I'm socializing. I'm getting up and out. I am having a party here tomorrow night. Very simple. Theme is "Pizza & Pajamas". Which means if you show up in your pajamas, you get to eat pizza. The house is decorated for Christmas, so I'm trying to bring the *spirit* in. One day, one step, one party at a time.

I'm also going to a party Friday night. One of my besties in the fellowship is having a birthday. I'm taking a date. A man I met on the old dating site from last year. We have been friends for a year. He is a great friend and we always have fun. I'm looking forward to "acting as if". Hoping it will turn into the real thing and my cheer will return to my life. The pain from the loss of the relationship isn't as sharp as it once was, its more like a melancholic dull pain. It lingers, but doesn't saturate me anymore. There is still a sick, deeply dysfunctional aspect to it that I sometimes hope it doesn't leave. Letting go of the pain seems to indicate letting go of the love. And I guess I equate pain with love. How sad it that. I guess I don't want to let go of the love so I'd rather hang on to the pain even though it hurts so much. I think any of your of any experience with addiction can relate to that on some level.

But I move on, and I know deep down that when I do let go of the pain, when it dissolves, I wont look back and be sad that the love is gone. I have to play the tape all the way through and remember broken hearts heal. They do. Everything in life is temporary. Even pain. Thank God for that.

Don't quit

2011-12-20T10:03:00.001-05:00

For those that find this time of year so difficult to enjoy. Just keeping your head above water is good enough.
Just don't quit, ok?

It WILL get better. It's been a tough, sad, year of growth for me too. But quitting is not an option. Becuse I know the miracle is just right around the corner.

Here are some sayings I've learned in recovery that have helped quite a bit:

"Everything will be ok in the end. If not, it's not the end"

"My happiness is not someone elses job, it's an inside job"

"Take action, surrender results"

"Act the way you WISH to be, and soon you will become the way you act"

"As I changed myself, I changed my world about me"

"Quitting is for quitters"

"God don't make junk"

Why should I be grateful?

2011-12-19T17:00:00.001-05:00

Because this young man....

This incredibly talented musician and composer....

and my beloved son...

Made both the Presidents and Deans honor list!!

4.0 GPA !!

It's all about the *U*....

and God.

I am grateful.

The 12 Promises

2011-12-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

The 12 Promises

The 12 promises are from pps. 83-84 of the Big Book.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
We will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fullfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Humbled

2011-12-16T23:23:00.000-05:00

This is an important post tonight. I don't know how I am going to communicate just how important. But I will try.

In my capacity with my job, I give way a some of my company's money to support and sponsor community events. I work with local high schools to offer incentives to their students to attend our college. One of my favorite schools, there are two outstanding teachers I work with who asked me to support a holiday party at our local V.A. hospital. When someone says veterans to me, I'm there. My father served in the Air Force during WW2 and my brother is a Marine vet, having served in Viet-Nam. You can't know how important they are until you meet some vets. And tonight we did.

Jackson and I attended the party tonight and it made an impact on me I hope never to forget. We saw about 60 high school students serve food, gifts and love to hospitalized, outpatient and homeless vets. They smiled, laughed, asked questions and sang to them and with them. They seemed generally glad to be there. I was amazed. One of the teachers husbands dressed as Santa, they had karaoke, music and just a festive, loving atmosphere. We have no idea when the last time any of these people had positive, interaction with other humans outside this hospital. Many of these patients live here. What a heartbreaking thought. The hospital, being a public entity, was dark and depressing. Having little money for repairs, the wall paper was peeling, the decor drab, the lighting dim. It was not a joy for me to simply walk the hallways. But then they took us to the nursing home. And thats where I found my humility. And gratitude.

This is where the chronic, the lonely, the alone... reside. Mostly aged, mostly bed bound. It was hard to see, but as I told myself, I'm sure its worse to be. We were there to give a gift to the residents who could not come down to the party, the bed bound. We were told that rooms that had a *yellow* hazard sign on the side of the door were higher risk for infection rooms. We would have to don paper gown, mask, gloves. Wow...this was frightening to me. The 4 students with me didn't seem too fazed at first. We made our round to the non yellow rooms first, then the yellow last. These four brave students choose to go in. I did not. I was, honestly, frightened. I helped dress them with their gear, knocked on the door and asked if we could come in. They went in gave the gift and spent few minutes talking, wishing Happy Holidays, smiling and just being the cool kids they are.

Wow...just wow, that they kids had the balls to be brave, to give back, to be of service to those who need it most. As I am naturally a peppy, positive upbeat woman (except when I'm calling my ex husband a douche bag here), I went in to the other rooms with a smile and a gregarious attitude and tried to make these residents just a little lighter, a little brighter than they were before we arrived. We met a man named Mr. Love..yes his real last name. He was the spitting image of George Carlin, long silver pony tail, beard and had a similar, dry funny sense of humor. I teased him about looking like him, only Mr. Love looked better because Carlin was dead. ba dum dum! Gallows humor in the dreary VA hospital. Oh well, that's just what came to mind.

On our floor, we met Jericho. A dog. Yes, a dog lives at the VA, with his owner, a resident. He was a long hair terrier of some sort with a long Dachshund type body. And he just owned the place. He walked in and out of the rooms, up and down the floor, by the nurses and just about anywhere he wanted. We pet him and he loved us. I was shocked a government hospital would allow a dog. But how cool, I can only imagine the kind of therapy he provides to these people.

As we left, everyone we passed gave great thanks, appreciating our visit, wishing happy holidays. They don't know. They just don't know. It is us who should be thanking them, for serving our country, for providing the gratitude that fills my heart and soul tonight that I am healthy, that I have love, that my life is nowhere near as shitty as I sometimes moan about. I had the ability to walk out of that hospital and drive to my home filled with love and hope. This was my Christmas gift tonight. I hope it will be a gift that keeps on giving in that I continue to go back and visit these people. They made an impact on me...a finger print that will touch me forever. I hope.

Attitude adjustment

2011-12-15T22:03:00.001-05:00

I just erased an anger filled rant about the alanon district meeting tonight I attended. I was angry and wanted to tell ya'll what the nasty district rep did to us, but..........

I opened youtube and typed in "Sleigh Ride", the Christmas song. Up came the video for The Boston Pops orchestra performing this. You haven't heard this song until you have SEEN it performed by a live orchestra. I have. Several times. So, I start to watch/listen a moment ago and I see the performers in their tuxedos, sitting as a classical orchestra and I think "This is what my son gets to do". This is what Jackson has loved to do since he was 12. Perform classical music as part of an orchestra, and then I think how much my mother loved classical music. And how she was so ill when he started playing, she never got to see or hear him. And then I thought how happy and proud she would be to know that her grandson is a classically trained orchestral musician. And then I started to cry with gratitude, pride...and the tears came and the anger went.

Music is powerful. In an instant my attitude was changed. What magic.

Ho Hum the drunk is a jerk

2011-12-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

That's just how I feel. Ho...hum. I wish it were Ho Ho Ho, but it's not, not, not. I am putting forth effort to make the holidays the best I can for myself and Jackson, so that's a plus, but there really isn't much feeling there. But, like I've learned over and over again...THAT'S OKAY.

Yesterday, the shit fucking alcoholic did what he does....behaved in his typical self centered, "all about me" self. He finally decided to grow a pair of balls and tell me he was going back to Ecuador for Christmas, so for the 8th year in row, he will be abandoning his only child for the holidays. Yay for being a consistent asshole. All the nice nice shit he has done for me lately now means nothing. It was all a set up. Yeah, he loves his kid, yeah he wants to earn his way back into his life...but not so much around Christmas when he can go back to his home country, screw his prostitute girlfriend and probably enjoy a few million drinks. Oh and yeah, I know I am resentful. Merry fucking Christmas to me. I;ll work to let it go, right after I'm done kicking a few trash cans.

Ive decided not to tell Jackson his father is selfish douche bag again this year. Unless he asks where he is. Ive also decided if/when the douche bag calls on Christmas, I wont answer the phone. Christmas will be as pleasant as I can make it and his long distance, half measured fake interest wont add to it. Douche bag, just a fucking self centered prick.

Oh and he also told me in January he is moving back to our city, after what, oh about 7 years of having moved away. WOW..lucky us. He thinks this is what I want. Yeah, 7 years ago, before he abandoned Jackson. Too late now, fuck face. I will do NOTHING more to help him reconnect with Jackson. I gave him gift of my help that he did not deserve. And Jackson was responding. He agreeing to see his father for short bits of time. Not anymore. He can bite me.

Douche bag. Word of the day. Douche. And bag. Douche bag.

Create your own miracle

2011-12-13T22:34:00.000-05:00

By: Russell Bishop

Author, Consultant and Executive Coach

Need a miracle in your life? Perhaps you just might be able to create one using your own ability to imagine and visualize. While the first place to start may well be with your own thinking, there's more work to do if you want that miracle to arrive. Not all miracles are perfect, nor do they come packaged like Hollywood would have us believe. However, if you're willing to use your own imagination and back it up with the requisite work, miracles do occur. The first step toward finding out if you're on the miracle list is your own willingness to sign up for the possibility!

Surely you have heard or read about Tim Hemmes, the quadriplegic young man who was able to use his mind and imagination to move a robotic arm and touch his daughter for the first time in the seven years since his tragic motorcycle accident in 2004. Tim's story, along with that of his University of Pittsburgh neurosurgeon, Dr. Elizabeth Tyler-Kabara and University of Pittsburgh professor of neurobiology Andrew Schwartz, Ph.D., provide compelling evidence of the power of holding a positive focus and doing the work necessary to back it up.

Want to watch Tim's real-life miracle? With a little help from Dave Templeton and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, here you go:

And so another lesson is learned

2011-12-12T21:22:00.002-05:00

So I go to my noon thirty meeting today early, to set up, to be of service. To do just what I don't feel like doing. But what I've learned to do, be of service when I feel like crap. The room is done, 15 minutes til the meeting starts and a newcomer arrives. She's been to some meetings, but not consistently so she has *forgotten* what Al-anon is all about. She asks me how long I've been coming. 23 years I say, feeling like an ancient artifact just hearing that number. "Wow", she says, that's a long time". She then asks a question that to any other person in the world would seem like a really stupid question, but to a newbie, it makes total sense.

"Has Al-Anon helped you?"

Uh, yeah, just a little I think. "Of course it has, that's why I keep coming" I reply. I'm assuming she is wondering why I do keep coming back. After all, 23 years you'd think I would have learned enough so I don't need to keep coming back. Yeah, maybe if this were another kind of disease, but its not. This is a *forgetting* kind of disease, which is what I came to remember about 30 minutes later.

During the meeting, I was thinking about the person who hurt me 2 months ago. It feels like 2 minutes ago. It still hurts that much today. So, I was thinking how if I ever hear from him again, I will retaliate with a bunch of choice words. I will not be kind. So, after I run this through my head again, yes again for I have replayed this scene numerous times in my sewage pit of a mind. 10 minutes later, a friend shares about forgiveness. About how staying angry for longer than 16 seconds, we develop that into a habit. What?? I only get 16 seconds to be pissed off. Angry. Furious. Not fair. Man, I cannot even imagine being that spiritually perfect to be able to let something go after 16 seconds. But I am not perfect...yet. But, I can forgive if I choose. I forgot that. After hearing her share, I put two and two together. I am still so sad emotionally, feeling sick physically...because I am angry. Because I have not accepted that a hurt person....hurt me. And though I *understand* his nature, his spiritual condition is poor, I have not granted acceptance nor understanding to him..I have not forgiven him. I took the poison of resentment, and I am experiencing the effects of it. The remedy is forgiveness. Not pardoning, not absolution, not returning to the relationship, just choosing to no longer be resentful, choosing to accept him where he is, and wishing him well.

So I have decided to forgive. Just exactly how it will manifest itself remains to be seen. But I will begin the process tonight and with this post.... I have begun.

"How does one know if she has forgiven?

You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to say about it all."
--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Time for a change?

2011-12-11T22:30:00.000-05:00

It might be time for me to change from writing a public journal (this blog) and go back to handwriting a personal journal. I will think and pray on that and make a decision by the end of this month. I think I need more privacy in order to heal and recover. I made the blunderfuck of a decision when I allowed people in my personal life to read here. And no, my dear friend *A*, not you :)

I mean the men I have dated who may still read here...or not.I don't know anymore. But, I don't like having that hanging over me and feeling like I need to censor myself. I need to have an anonymous outlet that won't hinder what I want to say. And what I want to say is I feel so damn sad and drained. I am waning on hopelessness and that is a very dangerous place to be. I mean critically dangerous. To be without hope for me is to be without oxygen. The holidays, when I feel like this, are sucking ass big time and I don't want my son to witness this in me again.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do to get out of this. I practice what I preach. Meetings, prayer, friends, gratitude, reaching out. But fuck...it just hurts.

Dating is a chore, but I am trying. No one peaks my interest because I am so selective. I've had many opportunities but no one who makes me want to put lipstick on for. Trudging the road...and its not happy destiny. I think I would like to request a miracle. I want love and I want hope.

Please?

Sad

2011-12-11T20:20:00.001-05:00

Just sad.

In case you are too:

Q: What's the difference between grief and depression?
A: It's easy to confuse grief with depression. The reason for this is that a number of symptoms of bereavement—the grief commonly experienced when someone close to you has died or is dying—are the same as those reported by people who are clinically depressed.
They include the following:

Sadness, melancholy, or despair
Low energy or fatigue
Weepiness or persistent tears
Changes in appetite and sleep patterns
Poor concentration
Guilt or hopelessness
Unbidden happy and sad memories

Among the bereaved, these symptoms are usually mild or temporary. But these same symptoms may be more chronic or severe among those who are clinically depressed.
Clinical depression is formally defined as a mood disorder characterized by one or more major depressive episodes—that is, at least two weeks of a depressed mood or loss of interest accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of depression, as described above.
It is important to distinguish between feeling depressed versus clinical depression. Often, people experiencing deep sadness will say something such as, "I'm so depressed." In this case, depressed could be replaced by any number of words that describe varying degrees of sadness: sad, melancholy, blue, bummed-out, brokenhearted. But this is quite different from true clinical depression.

However, if you're grieving and suffering the following additional symptoms, you're more than likely clinically depressed or in the midst of a major depressive episode:

Worthlessness
Exaggerated guilt
Suicidal thoughts or plans
Low self-esteem
Powerlessness
Helplessness
Exaggerated hopelessness
Agitation or restlessness
Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
Exaggerated fatigue

If you see yourself in this list of symptoms, consider getting professional help from a grief therapist or other psychiatric counselor. The irony is that your symptoms may make it difficult to get motivated to get support, but try your best. You're more likely to get relief from your symptoms if you pursue treatment aggressively.

2011-12-11T10:31:00.001-05:00

Faith is to believe what we do not see;

and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.

Your weakness is a positive

2011-12-10T11:10:00.000-05:00

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots and each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled. "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path… and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

You just never know

2011-12-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

..who God will put in my life to help me. Strangers, total strangers can make a tremendous impact on my life, recovery, awareness, comfort.

I met someone on a website that I am forum member of. A spiritual, non recovery type site. So I meet this guy, who is my son's age. Incredible, my son's age. How bizarre. He happens to have in common something significant that relates to something that is troubling me, I share with him my issue and he writes me the most informative, enlightening and comforting letter. It gave me a new understanding to my situation, compassion for someone who I have been upset with and just general change in thought. How is God so right on? Well because he is God, I guess. So bloody amazing.

Tonight I had a small dinner party for a few friends. One is someone I had never met, a friend of my pal Joe, who eventually became my Facebook friend. She and I chat all the time online and have so much fun, so I invited her over. We had a great time, and what was really special, was she was so grateful and repeatedly thanked me and told me how much she enjoyed it. We all took pics of ourselves, sent them all over Facebook and laughed and giggled. What was special for me was she is a recently sober alcoholic, who has tried for a long time to get sober and grasp the program. It seems that after a recent 90 stay in treatment, she is finally on her way. Her mind set is different and she has surrendered. She seemed to really need new, positive human interaction and socialization. I think that's why she was so glad to be out and having fun with us. It felt so good to have been an instrument in this new life of hers.

During the evening a newish Al-a-pal called so I returned his call later. He had called in the morning with a rather serious issue, needing insight and help. I guess I helped him because he too was also very gracious in his gratitude. When I returned the call, he needed to discuss something else. I couldn't help but be so grateful that God has once again placed more people in my life to strengthen my recovery and be of service. This makes me feel like good, valuable and valued. And I always need that. Always.

Al-Anon heroics in action

2011-12-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

What a day, what an incredible, meaningful, powerful day. I grew. My friends grew, my home group grew by leaps and bounds. I am barely detoxed from it.I was my own hero today.

We joined together in unity and stood up to a bully.

We had the group conscience meeting to discuss the banning of the man who has been tearing us down for 2 years. A few of my friends were extremely nervous that the outcome would not be as they wanted it, that he be banned. I told them GOD will be present and that as long as it were fair and honest, the outcome will be as he wishes. We were all shocked that he chose to attend the meeting. As the group representative, I chaired. I laid out the rules that we would be respectful and not cross talk, coerce, convince. We would simply state our feelings. One by one, we went around the room, saying how he had hurt us, hurt the room, feelings of being unsafe, members who have refused to return because of him, his stealing from the group, dominance. Those with short term recovery showed their bravery and spoke their feelings, and surprisingly, those with double digit years cowered and back tracked refusing to say aloud what they say privately about him. Seeing the level of sick recovery was very disappointing. But, I made no reference to it. Not my place to criticize their recovery, just my place to care for my own.

When it came his turn to speak, I was not surprised in the least when he hung himself by his own words. Angry, resentful, lashing out at me, then the group. Taking everyones inventory, behaving like a raving maniac, so unable to see how he was his own worst witness. I sat silent while he disparaged me, remembering how no one else did the same to him, myself included. And inside thinking that God knew what he was doing for us. We banded together in the face of this bully, this sick, sick person and did what we should do as trusted servants. We are here to serve this group, to care for this group as a whole as the first tradition states.

We took a written vote. Out of 9 people eligible to vote, 5 voted yes to ban, 2 voted no and 2 abstained. What was so incredible was one of the yes votes was made by someone who, prior to his angry share, had supported him. This member said he had no problem with him and wasnt aware of any of these issues. Then...the sick person shared and blasted us all showing his venom and hatred. I think this was what swayed the other member to vote against him. My friend Laure always says "give an angry person enough rope, they will hang themselves". This is exactly what happened.

I have to say I was petrified. I was shaking, my voice was quivering but I had prayed for courage. And I got it. It was the right thing do, and it was hard which is yet another confirmation that the right thing and the hard thing to do are always the same thing. A member cried, one who desperately wanted him gone but still she cried. We don't enjoy this. Just as we don't enjoy enforcing boundaries on the alcoholic or other toxic people in our lives. But, our traditions tell us what the solution is. My fellows have been telling me for 23 years that I need to take care of myself, even if that means enforcement of harsh boundaries against another.

We, as a group, are now back to being healthy. One day, one step, one vote at a time. Thank you, God.

But for the grace of God

2011-12-06T16:46:00.000-05:00

My son, my only child is a personal success. Brilliantly intelligent with a borderline genius IQ. 4.0 student. Grew up in Alateen. Has never ingested a drug or taken a drink of alcohol. Loves college. Has friends who compliment him to me. Is a loving, giving person. And he is not an addict or alcoholic.

Can I just take a moment to tell you, and God, how eternally and profoundly grateful I am for this incredible gift?

I read this blog... http://parentofheroinaddict.blogspot.com/ .... and it made me cry. To see her struggle with her son's addiction. It kills me to hear in my meetings and read about parents whose children have this sick, dreaded, merciless disease. You parents are hero's. That you don't give up. That you love those children through horrific events. That your burden hasn't destroyed you. I applaud you. God bless you all.

BGP's on

2011-12-06T08:54:00.000-05:00

Fake Happy

2011-12-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna fake it till I make it. At least today. Today is important. Today is my late mother's birthday. My mother was a lovely, loving, wonderful woman. She wanted only one thing in life. For everyone to be happy. Yes, friends, she was an unrecovered one of us. Or, one of me. But not in a way that was too detrimental to my sanity. She just sacrificed so much of herself for her children.

So, in honor of her birthday, I am going to take every action I can to be happy....for today.

I began by a quick morning prayer. I dressed nicely today. I sent out several "Happy Monday" emails to colleagues wishing a good week. I helped someone with a problem and I'm working on my new vision board.

Doing what I've learned to do to make a positive change. So, today, I wish you a little bit of happiness. Unless you can handle more, in that case, I wish you a shit load of love.

Can't always get what you want

2011-12-04T09:19:00.001-05:00

"...But if you try sometime you find, You get what you need".

So sang Mick Jagger. It should be the Al-Anon theme song. When we do try, we DO get what we need, that is for sure. God makes it so. Always, that is never in question for me. But.....uh ohhh, here comes the buttttttt.
I just want.....what I want. I want more. And no it's not in the realm of "More is the name of my disease". Addiction is all about wanting more, more and more more. "One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough" so the jokes goes in Al-Anon. But that is not what I mean here. I want the final aspect of love that is not present in my life. I have the sustenance of love of my son, my friends, my professional life, my coummnity. I am just not *in love*. And that is what I need. But I do not have yet.

So, in days past, when I wanted this, I'd settle for the first cutie pie that came along. I never had strict standards for the man I chose to love. If he were cute and really into me, then he pretty much qualified to be my boyfriend. Those days have changed, which makes my selection process so much more difficult. I have such incredibly high standards. I am selective. Not on looks, but on quality. I am no longer willing to settle for
less than integrity, dignity, respect, tolerance and most importantly, emotional awareness. So...I'll pretty much be alone for the rest of my life.

NOT. Just a joke. If I choose to take that attitude, then YES, I will be alone. But, I won't choose that attitude.I will choose the attitude that I've chosen for the last 23 years. An attitude of gratitude, of hope...even when I don't feel it, such as now. Last night I listened to a sermon of Joel Osteen he gave titled "Your miracle is closer than you think". He spoke about his hiking in the Colorado mountains, at the base of the hike there was a sign that said the hike to to the top would take 3 hours. After just 45 minutes, he was exhausted and ready to quit. Just then another hiker was coming down the mountain, smiled at him as he passed and said "You are closer than you think". Joel said that one line gave him much hope, it renewed his energy and he continue on, repeating to himself that "I am closer than I think". 10 minutes later he was at the top. He made it in just one hour and not the 3 hours the sign said. He didn't quit. And neither will I.

Neither will I.

With just one word....Hope

2011-12-03T14:04:00.000-05:00

I heard the word and I woke up. Hope. HOPE. MOTHER FUCKING HOPE!!

It's what I needed and what I lost. Hope. I've been feeling so hopeless lately and I didn;t know it. Just knew I didn't feel good. Felt bad. Better than bad. Hopeless. A horrible state of being. I go to my home group today and someone just mentions the word. Hope. And it knocks me over like a feather. What I needed to hear, just one word. It made all the difference. No, I don't miraculously feel awesome, I just feel a little bit more hopeful.

I'm sad. My heart hurts and I feel challenged. But I am going to find me some hope. It started after the meeting when a male member came to hug me and gave me the coolest compliment. I was wearing all black, simple yoga pants and a long sleeve, form fitting t shirt. He put his arm around me and said "Christina, you shouldn't be allowed to dress like that in an Al-Anon meeting, you look so good".

Heh, Heh, Heh....Yeah, I have hope!