Friday, March 17, 2017

I'm OK...

I'm OK with screwing up. Which I do often. Though at times I call myself stupid when I do something stupid, I snap out of it quickly. Because I come to..."come to"...realize that all people screw up. And I am not my screw up.

The same goes for my obsessive-compulsive behavior. I'm OK with what anyone else might think of me - when I can't let go, when I still reach out to someone who is mean to me. I'm Ok with that because I know my disease. It does what it does. I am not immune to my own allergy. I still act out, not in anger for the most part (although my anger these days isn't loud, it's sarcastic and smarmy). I am OK with this because I know what my disease can and will do to me at any given time. I am obsessive, especially when I am hurt. But, for today - just this day - I am not. So, not everyday is the gorilla dancing on my toes. I remember many other horrible days where the gorilla was ripping my arms and legs off. Thank you, God that isn't me today.

To have the feeling of being OK with my defects of character, to love and accept who I am, is freedom. Which isn't free, I've worked very hard to get here.

I've been busy this week - working in a new business endeavor - which has tired me out. Jackson will be here next week and we are going to drive to Florida together. I am going to sell my house.

Life is what it is and I am accepting it all. Sometimes, not liking it, but for the most part, accepting it. And, yesterday while making my gratitude list, I was grateful for having hair. Silly, perhaps, but it hit me that I am lucky to have hair.

Little things are really great, big things.

No comments: