Monday, February 8, 2016

Taking a different action will likely result in my getting a different result. Having faith that a situation will resolve in God's time is the ultimate. People who hurt us do so because they are hurt.

Some helpful spiritual facts. When I remember, release me from pain.

Today is a new day. I will practice all that I have learned to keep me free.


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Oh yeah, here

I did it again. Three days and no post. Ah, what can I say? At least I am in a better space today than my last post. It's been a busy yet short week as I am flying tomorrow to Atlanta. I'm going house hunting and visit some friends in my new home city to be.

I saw Evan Almighty, my delightful therapist last night. This guy is amazing. Under 30, and has very firm boundaries. I like that. I find that I am trusting him more as the days go on. I am finally getting to the place of being able to cry in his presence, being vulnerable. He has helped me see how my patterned behavior serves to sabotage me. Like when I tear up, and want to cry, I will start taking and change the subject, which serves to stuff the tears. That doesn't happen in my Al-Anon groups, because I trust them. So being able to be that with a non-12 stepper is progress. He wanted me to accept that progress last night but I kinda fought him. He is a trained therapist and his responses are trust-worthy, so it's not like I'm taking that big a risk. Ah well, it is progress I suppose since I haven't done it much with him till now.

Last night I was feeling a deep sense of loss. Jackson is getting closer to moving to Orlando. He was offered a job there yesterday, and though he has to decline it (poor compensation), he boosts him up and encourages him to keep applying for jobs. I sense the loss, or rather the change, that is coming I guess. On the way home from therapy, I had the urge to call William. I miss him. I do. And as I thought of calling him, I remembered that the William I knew and loved is gone. "He" doesn't exist anymore. The sick William is the only thing that remains. The ugly "Mr. Hide" prevails, even though he doesn't think so. I just grieved that thought and let it go. A miracle, to be sure.

I am afraid of moving to Georgia, but my body seems to continue to take the steps needed to make it happen. The adult me says Let's do it. The baby Christina is whining and kicking and screaming. An interesting battle.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Nice people who turn rude and controlling

I am home from my "serenity" weekend retreat. I have to say it wasn't entirely serene. Part of the fault lies within me, though. Last year when I attended, I didn't enjoy as much as the year before, and said I wouldn't return. And I had no intention of going this year until a friend offered me a free ticket. And the friend I'd be rooming with was a long time friend and that was appealing. Unfortunately, she became ill and had to cancel so I ended up with another good pal, and it looked just as appealing. And it was. Until it wasn't.

For me, the weekend, which is an intensive set of mini-workshops on each step, is redundant. There is nothing new or fresh every year. Same old thing and the only enjoyment I get is spending time with people I love, and don't see often. Since this is likely to be my last year attending in Miami as I am moving, I wanted to keep memories of it on my FB page. Every year we take lots of photos and tag each other. One good friend did not seem to like that I'd tagged her and her husband, and she rudely (in my opinion) asked me to un-tag them. DESPITE the fact I mentioned NOTHING about it being an Al-Anon or 12 step related event. I said I would, and walked away. Her self-imposed guilt must've gotten the best of her and she later approached me with a less than loving attitude and tried to explain herself but screwed it further by saying "In future, if you want to tag us on anything Al-Ann related, ask first". Ha....there won't EVER be any future tagging. She later approached me to make amends despite the fact that I said I did not want to speak at that time as I was still miffed. I DO NOT like to speak when angry. But, she didn't seem to care what I wanted, she WANTED to make amends NOW. So I let her say what she wanted to say. It was a passive-aggressive defense of herself. She said she was worried what her husbands friend would think if they saw that he was tagged in a posting that implied he was in any way associated with a "retreat". In other words, he would be seen as a pansy man. OK, keep coming back, friend.

I let it go and moved on with my day. And when Id had enough of the retreat, I went home. I was going to return this morning for the final step. But, I woke up and said "nah", I'd rather stay in bed. So, having taken care of making my bed and tidying u the room in the retreat last night, I was good. I texted my roomie, and friend, that I would not be back this morning and thanked her for being my roomie. Her response? "Did you strip your bed sheets?"

Hmmmm. Since you saw me make the bed yesterday before I left, and since you slept in the same room after I left, wouldn't you KNOW the answer to that question? And, WHY are YOU concerned with what I do, did or have done or not done? Mother?

Control. Control. Control. Seems her hula hoop fell off and she jumped into mine.I know these are their defects in action, and I have done the same. So I am remaining silent, and detaching for my own good. This too shall pass. What a miracle that I know that AND can restrain my pen and my tongue.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Serenity weekend and poop

I hope you all saw a snippet of Jackson's interview I posted on Monday. It surprised me as he didn't tell me he'd been interviewed. I thought he did well - total Jackson. Funny and sincere. He loves making music, and it makes him so happy. Which makes me happy. We've been spending some more time together and spending it well and happy. I am grateful.

I am preparing to attend our Serenity Weekend, 3 day retreat this weekend. My roommate for the retreat told me today she is sick with a nasty cold and may not make it. If so, she will give her ticket to someone else. So who will be my roomie? I suggested a sponsee of mine who wants to go so we were gonna wait till Friday to see how she is feeling. A few hours later, my good pal Angela calls to say her roomie cannot go and now a free ticket is available. So I call my sponsee and give it to her, and now we'll need a back up roomie possibly for me. So much juggling around but it's very nice to see other people get the opportunity to go at the last minute. The retreat is sold out and its limited to 55 people so it's a great opportunity.

I will be presenting step 8 at this retreat. Talking on it, giving some sort of "presentation". I had a great idea for it that I discussed with my sponsor but I've already forgotten it. Ha. All I know is I have a white board to show how to "make a list". I'm gonna do it funny cus come on!! It's just making a list and being willing. It's the willingness that people have a hard time with this step.

When the shit smells badly enough in your life, you'll be willing to get up out of the dirty diaper you're sitting in.