Sunday, August 21, 2016

Love

This is so important. This is what has built my self esteem. This is what has made me come to really like myself today. I practice love. I am aware. I smile at almost everyone, everywhere I go. I am conscious about saying a kind word. I am not perfect, it's not always this way. But damn near 95% it is. And it has proven to take away the self loathing, feeling unlovable, thinking I am so unworthy. Love killed my inner hate.

I am love. And so are you.

Peace is important



This is important to me. My peace. My joy. It's very important. I've realized in the last year that I am not willing to allow anyone...and I mean anyone, disturb it. Or me. I've taken a bunch of shit from a bunch of people all in the name of fear that I would accept shitty behavior for soooo long. Fear they would leave me. Yeah, how logical does that sound? I am afraid the person who is treating me like shit is gonna leave? So dysfunctional. This situation with my former sponsee ate my lunch the other night and I could barely sleep. It revolved in my head all night. I'm done with that shit. She is off the beam of recovery and as a result says and does inappropriate things and I want to be nowhere near that.

Detachment is so critical to maintaining my sanity. Letting go with love is essential. Which means I must pray every day for those that hurt me, those who I hold resentment for. It works. I pray for their happiness, love and abundance. I don't always mean it - I don't have to - God accepts any form of loving prayer for others. In short order, the resentment is lifted.

And I have peace. My peace. My joy. It's my supreme happy garden. And I am it's gardener who maintains it.

Friday, August 19, 2016

After two months of no contact with my former sponsee, I reached out to her. We spoke this evening. It did not go well. I found her to have no humility. She has an extreme distortion of things, and found a way to criticize me while giving me an apology. I had that confused, chaotic feeling that I get when I engage with an insane alcoholic. I hated the feeling but as this is a family disease, I totally forgot that I could disengage at any time.

I reacted. I took her inventory and tried to get her "to see" my perspective. No dice. I finally found my light and backed down. I said we had different perspectives and I did not want to communicate further. And that this friendship is over. I called a trusted friend for support, talked things out and am now letting it go.

This disease is powerful. She is on her way out. The only thing left is her meetings. But that will end soon, I predict. She is moving in a few weeks. Sadly enough, she is moving to Georgia, where I live. About 90 mins away. I told her Al-Anon was strong here, at least in Atlanta and that I hope she seeks it.

I may have had a slip tonight, but I wouldn't want to be her for all the gold on earth. I am so grateful I caught my insanity and detached. I can't change anyone, I can't make anyone hear me.

I can just accept that it works when you work it. And doesn't, when you don't.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

No more toxicity

I have decided that people who are toxic must go. Go away, from me. And I am finding that it's rather easy to do these days. A man from my dating site started communicating with me yesterday. Age 55. And spoke to me like I was a hoochie. Using words like 'hot', 'sexy', and even commented on my breasts in a joke. Ewwwwww. He is 6 months post divorce, married 30 years and he has no idea how to speak to a woman with respect. I tried to enlighten him at first, that not how a grown ass man speaks to a woman. He couldn't get it. Has hasn't dated in 30 years. LOL. So when he responded like a dick, he had to go. Block, detach, move on. This is a big deal for me.


I won't allow it in my life today. No, no, no. And that includes everyone. Friend, foe, man, woman, and ex's. Especially ex's :)

Today is a good day. I'm grateful.