Monday, September 1, 2014

When you get to that moment

Today I had a thought about an ex boyfriend from last year who broke up with me in silence. He had spent the weekend with me, introduced me to his teen son and a few days later, totally disappeared from my life. A coward, thoughtless and selfish. It hurt. I came to forgive him and he actually explained himself a few months ago. Gave a very emotional reason, may be true. Not sure. But today the thought I had was "Thank you God, for taking him away".

He would not have made me happy, he would have caused more pain, I see clearly. He is a huge commitment phobe. He is afraid to love a woman for fear she will hurt him as his ex did. He lives in a lot of fear in other areas. He is unstable and though believes in God, has no practice or faith in his power. His self-centered fear has come to deplete me when he seeks comfort from me. He is a taker, not a giver. And today, I saw not only I was grateful he took him from me, but also another man I dated. We won't go into that one. LOL.

I am grateful, so grateful, that though I kick and scream when I don't get my way, God loves me still. And does for me what I will not or cannot do on my own. The 3rd step in action.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Still here

They didn't fire me. I am almost upset about it. 2 days suspension. Because I followed the order of a supervisor to change content for an instruction booklet. For a game.

The HR lady shook her head in his insanity for writing me up. For following a supervisors orders.

I work for a sick corporation. But clearly God still wants me there. For today, that is. Just today.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

"If you could see the size of the blessing coming your way then you would understand the magnitude of the battle you're fighting"

Waiting for the ax to fall

I expect to be fired from my job within the next 24 hours. I await the freedom. The level of stress and emotional pain has been exorbitant. I will be grateful for the relief. The toxicity of that company has been stifling for months and months. Most everyone has been gasping for their own air. They have become selfish, angry and become animals. I could finally see me becoming that as well. The ax fell today when I refused to attend a private meeting with the insane, dementia suffering owner. I had enough.

His angry abusiveness is too much for be to bear. So when my boss told me he demanded me to go to his office alone, that sent me over. My boss, in his own fear, was sending me to the guillotine knowing full well this man has been on a 24 hour long tirade and now it was my turn. He actually said to me "Just sit quiet, be humble and take it. And remember you will still get your paycheck every two weeks. Oh, and please don't throw me under the bus". Yes. He did say that.

I went to the office, and I broke down. I was gasping for air like the world had run out of oxygen, my chest was killing me, I was dizzy and crying. I was done. I called him and told him I would not meet with the owner unless a member of management was there. He finally agreed to drive over. He never arrived. Ten minutes after the meeting was due to start, the HR woman told me he delayed it one hour. By boss still wasn't there and I had decided my emotional and physical health was more important than saving my shitty job. I left the building, called my boss and said I was so sick I was going home. Thirty minutes later they had blocked my access to company email. So, I am expecting to be fired for failing to meet with him. Or, they already had this planned.

Regardless, this employment was killing my mind, my spirit and ultimately my health. Having a coward for a boss means the abuse would continue. No one there is willing to stand for me, not even my own boss. So I had to. I'm trusting God on this. What other choice do I have?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

No worries, detaching with love

Jackson was to come over for dinner tonight. I made rice and was marinating a steak for him. 8 pm. He called to say he'd be here at 9 as he forgot he was seeing some friends at school tonight. He still works at the music school at his university, despite graduating in May. Semester just started, his friends are back in the dorms and he wanted to socialize. He's missed them. I said no problem.

At 9;15 he called, saying he lost track of time. They were playing Frisbee. I say no problem, come tomorrow night instead. He was so grateful for my understanding. I say no problem. Later he texts another apology. I say no problem, meat is marinating. All good. He says he loves me and good night.

He is the light of my life, I was and always do, look forward to seeing him.And I sit here wondering how in the world did I become so present and detached from a disappointment? I'm pretty sure this is what they mean by "Let it go and it will come back to you".

Big girl panties work miracles.