"To Watch is not to love" - Dr.Carl Jung
This quote is printed in light blue beginnings booklet given out in the Nar-Anon fellowship. I have that book from my early days in recovery. What Dr. Jung meant, to me, was the obsess, or observe, to judge someone elses life, choices, hair color, or alcohol and drug intake, is not an act of love.
But we watch, don't we? At least I do. And I've been watching a lot lately. Not my ex-husband, but my ex, William. I've viewed his blog and his Facebook page. There has been a Tsunami of insane posting, rants, obscenity, non-sensical crazy talk. It breaks my heart. But, I keep watching. And I keep cringing.
Last night, on Thanksgiving, he was, as he is most days, obsessed with a particular music track. Not a song, but a track of drumming that he has posted all over social media. Well Soundcloud.com apparently had the balls to change their policy on something whereupon he commenced to call them assholes and "fucking whores". *sigh*. Yes.
I know his children, you teens, are on Facebook. So I sent him a private message asking if he would like for them to see his choice of words in that rant should they view his news feed. Within 5 minutes, he removed the multiple, offending posts and wrote a "Happy Thanksgiving everyone" message. Sad. Very damn sad.
So I am watching, and though I am not judging him, or condemning him, I am not loving. Neither he or I, I am not loving either of us. He is drinking, and maybe drugging. I can tell. The behavior shift is obvious. And I am powerless over it all. So I have decided to pray and ask God to relieve me of the obsession to watch. That's the solution. Having people tell me "I think you should just stay away from him" doesn't work, and in fact, insults me. So when my ex-husband, the addict, alcoholic said it to me today, I almost punched him in the throat. His lack of recovery, insight and awareness of his own addiction places him in NO position to pass judgment, or opine, on my life choices. And I let him know that.
I shall continue to pray for William. And for a surrender.