Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Life is still good

I don't know why I'm losing interest in blogging. Maybe it's because I'm always so emotional here. I just don't know, but it's kind of scary. Maybe I wont try to figure it out and just let it be, just share what's going on in my world.

Work is going well, I am up and moving and making it happen. I have good support in my office and from my friends. I feel much better depression and anxiety wise and certainly feel free from the tyranny of my previous job. Thank you God for taking away from me what was killing me. My ex husband seems to be in a downward spiral. Totally cutting me from his life. But I am OK with that because he is toxic yet again and I cannot subject myself to that. Jackson, though, is feeling the pain of it all over again. For a few years his father was becoming present and responsible. That's all gone now. Alcoholism....this is what it does.

I am still grateful for so much. I have a loving, supportive sponsor, a butt load of friends, a brilliant son and a God who loves me more than I will ever know.

Satisfied customer here. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Being triggered

Triggers are that sometimes silent event, experience, word, sound, smell that can create such spiritual devastation to adult children of alcoholics. For me, it's being lied to that is the trigger of all emotional time bombs. My alcoholic ex-husband could lie like nobodies business. And it always ripped me to the core.

Today, a man who was once a friend, lied to me again. That's why he's not a friend any longer, because he is also a liar. I have not reengaged the friendship, but reconnected for a minor business situation. Having made an appointment to meet, I texted to confirm the time, and he lied saying he had forgotten a previous commitment and could we re-set the time for hours later. I knew it was a lit and it caused that inner feeling of discontent. Which in days past, would turn into rage. This time, however, I saw it as it was happening. That is a miracle. For the next hour the resentment built inside me until I finally noticed and I began to pray. Within another few hours, I had been restored to sanity. I see how outwardly what one person does can affect me so deeply. The resentful thoughts I had were about my ex husband, not this shit head of a liar. This guy lies because he is a coward. I guess that why most people lie: they fear not getting what they want or losing what they have.

I started to lose my serenity and my peace. Through God and prayer, I regained it. The triggers didn't win today. I am beyond grateful for that.

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Buddha says...

The Buddha always told his disciples not to waste their time and energy in metaphysical speculation. Whenever he was asked a metaphysical question, he remained silent. Instead, he directed his disciples toward practical efforts. Questioned one day about the problem of the infinity of the world, the Buddha said,

 "Whether the world is finite or infinite, limited or unlimited, the problem of your liberation remains the same."

Another time he said, "Suppose a man is struck by a poisoned arrow and the doctor wishes to take out the arrow immediately. Suppose the man does not want the arrow removed until he knows who shot it, his age, his parents, and why he shot it. What would happen? If he were to wait until all these questions have been answered, the man might die first."

 Life is so short. It must not be spent in endless metaphysical speculation that does not bring us any closer to the truth.

Hanh, Thich; Philip Kapleau, Nhat (2005). Zen Keys. Three Leaves Press. p. 42.
 Image result for thich

Thursday, February 26, 2015


I've been busy!! *excuses, excuses*.

But, I have been busy. Good busy for the most part. I am full throttle into my new career in life insurance advising. I like it a lot, I feel I am good at it, or at least on the way to that. So much to learn however as I have been advised, learning the products is only 5% of the job, the rest is marketing. And I am good in that department.

My work has been my main focus, training, getting set up with the office, equipment etc I have an incredible mentor who is a genius in this business. I feel blessed to be under his wing. God has blessed me with his mentorship, for sure. Jackson is well, and is up for a promotion at work. A big one and I am so happy for him. His father, the alcoholic, well....he is gone again. Everything that he had achieved in the last 3 years, he has destroyed once again. Before the holidays his alcoholic behavior worsened, lies and all that. Today Jackson wants nothing to do with him and has even set a boundary with me that I am not to even inquire if his father has tried to reach out to him. He wants nothing to do with him. And I do not blame him one bit.

My ex refuses to speak to me. I broke his cardinal rule when he tried to stiff me on a loan I made him. That was MY HUGE MISTAKE. Loaning a drunk who has stolen from me before. Yeah well, his behavior changed, for 3 years. I "thought" it was safe. I was wrong. And so now we return to the previously scheduled life of alcoholism. But you know what?

I am OK. Jackson is OK. And no one is in pain because of it. It is what it is and if it wasn' would be something else. Acceptance.............

Thursday, February 12, 2015

It's just life

I am moving forward with serious intent into my new career in life insurance. I have an incredible mentor who is a master of creativity and foresite. It is a frightening endeavor to say the least but I am up for the challenge. And it is a challenge. As always, I am encouraged and supported every step of the way by my friends and my son. I am blessed to be sure.

I had to release a sponsee last week who lied to me. She seems to have a problem with prescription drugs which I was unaware of and cannot get honest. She isn't willing to do the work and is beyond negative much of the time. I gave her the chance to make a decision to get serious and she choose not to. The big book says not to waste time on those who don't want it when there are others to help. I pray for her now daily. That she surrender.

Life is going on, health challenges, financial challenges. And of course, dating challenges. But all well within the care of God, who today I turn it all over to.