Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Still here

The first thing I want to say is "Thank you" for the kind, supportive comments a few of you left on my last post. It was definitely a down moment and your advice to wait it out was solid. Not that I am all happy and shiny now, but I am less down than I was. So, thank you for the love.

I'm using the same advice on the wall paint I applied to my home office yesterday. It's much too light, nearly white, and I'm not sure I like it. So I read that I should sit on it for a week and see how it feels to me. What an interesting concept: Don't react!! Yeah, I may have heard that in a meeting or two...or two thousand. I am officially on vacation this week, though it's a 'staycation' because I'm staying home. I'm doing the typical spring cleaning projects: painting, gardening all the things I "should" do every day but don't. Who know why that's the way it goes.

Here's an uplifting story, at least for me: a good, non-12 step friend was fired from his job 2 weeks ago. He has been in great fear, as expected, since he's been without jobs before and it's always scary. I reached out to him several times to 12 step him through it with the same messages that has been carried to me: Take action, surrender results. Have faith and trust God. The basic tenements of spiritual education. Well the outcome has been spectacular. He had his first and as it turns out, only interview yesterday. Within 30 minutes, they said they wanted him. Two hours later, they called with the offer. His salary is 35% higher than his previous job, medical insurance $600 a year less, an annual year end bonus. Hello!! So of course I had to give him the razzing of "I told ya so!!". Sometimes rejection is God's protection. He had been so unhappy in his job, they'd changed his bonus structure in January and made it near impossible to attain it. He couldn't get by on his salary and was struggling. So his complaints made it to God's ear.

God does take care of us, in his way, and we can't always see it. This story has been very inspiring to me as I prepare to seek another job. I am working on maintaining my trust in him today. Not always easy.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Bye bye blog?

I don't think too many people even read my blog anymore. I may pull the plug and go return to journaling.

I haven't worked hard enough to develop an audience here. Life sucks today. Probably shouldn't trust my mindset at this moment in time.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Back in my family

I finally got to a meeting last night, my home group, since the awful Tuesday that wore down my last emotional nerve. I'd reach out to my sponsor and my friends, so I was glued together. But I needed to be "home", amongst my fellows. That feeling of love, of identification and just to be accepted. It's beautiful.

The love I receive is always unexpected and always overwhelming. One friend came up to me afterwards and said she had just heard my 2013 gratitude diner talk on CD and that she loved it so much, she heard it twice. And that she's passed it around to a few friends. Well that makes me ego feel good. But more importantly she said she always likes to hear what I have to say. Last night I shared that I had told my ex husband I hated him this week. I did say that. I was in such a broken spiritual condition at the time, and he sounded like he was on pills, and I reacted like a sick Al-Anon does. I don't shame myself at all, I accept it and now I have to make amends. This is how it works.

One day at a time.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

It's happened again

Two strikes and you're out. For good this time. Two days ago during a stressful work event I organized, my friend and colleague melted down on me, speaking to me in such a disrespectful manner, I immediately knew I would end this friendship. This is not the first time he has done this. In fact, it's not the second or third.  But it is the last.

After the last time, in which we did not speak for 3 months, we made mutual amends and had a long talk about it all. I honestly felt he had learned my value as his friend and would never jeopardize our friendship. I know how much I meant to him, and that he loves me as I loved him. But what I forgot is that he is a severely untreated al-anon. And has no coping skills and he does what addicts do. Lash out and destroy even the most important relationships. So I am done. And I am OK with being done.

This ability to let go of a toxic person so immediate is a glorious gift. I am free. I may be hurt and sad, but I am free.