Monday, January 26, 2015

Fear is not my higher power

I went to our annual retreat this weekend. Serenity weekend was exhausting. Difficult to sleep well in tiny nun-sized beds at an antiquated catholic retreat center. So much activity going on it seems I'd be more relaxed at home. I thought retreats were supposed to be relaxing and serene? It wasn't all bad, we had a cool drum circle, music thingy happen. I feel good about my step 12 workshop so it's all good. The only thing not so good is the intense fear and loneliness I felt when I got home. I realized last night my unemployment has run out. The lovely state of Florida has reduced the benefit time period from 6 months to 4 so I am now income-less, except my room mate's rent. Which I AM grateful for. And with termite tenting, wood and roof repair costs upcoming, not to mention I just paid $1700 tax bill, I'm a wee bit fearful. I am on the job with NYL but its all commission base and first several months, Ive been warned, are difficult. A lot of training and prospecting blah blah blah. So, the challenges are ahead of me.

Im writing in my God box, praying and mediating. I know this is what I want, and I WILL SUCCEED!!

I'm just a little shaky right now.

Big girl panties.....find me now!

Monday, January 19, 2015

I'm growing

I can see clearly that I am advancing in my spiritual recovery. The last 2 years especially have been painful with growth. Is there any other kind of growth? It feels as if I've been doing all the heavy lifting, plowing the fields and now the crop is here and it's healthy. That's a great feeling.

I am better able to detach and enforce boundaries. Both of which I've had to do with my son the last few weeks. He has taken me for granted for a long time and I've allowed it. No more. So, I set and enforced my boundaries and with the idea that our relationship would drastically subside he seems to be taking it seriously. His behavior has improved and communication as well.

I am so grateful for Al-Anon, AA and the 12 steps. I have a life better and beyond my wildest dreams. And the still yet to come!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Boundaries....and respect.

I've had to practice the extreme boundary enforcement with my dearest son. He has lapsed into an undeserved form of disrespect towards me. I have enabled his behavior but now it IS no longer acceptable. So I set a boundary, he crossed it and now I am detaching from him with love. Not anger.

He seems to have become affected by it and is appearing to reach out appropriately. With the help and guidance of my sponsor, I have communicated myself well and allowed Jackson to respond how he wishes. At the moment, it looks positive. But time will tell if his actions and behaviors will change for the better.

As my sponsor reminding me, when I practice these principles in all my affairs, the family situation is bound to improve. And I believe it will. And for the record, my son is an awesome man. Who is deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism. Let go and let God.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

New year, same attitude

Of gratitude. I am on day 5 of a 21 day gratitude challenge. No blaming, no complaining. Only "God, that's great" response to EVERYTHING that happens to me.

I have a new tenant renting the room from me. A nice guy in Miami temporarily for work. Works long hours, goes home on weekends, a win-win for me. God always delivers, doesn't he? I am almost ready to start my new job. It's down to the wire of which company I will join, having been made two offers. I'm leaning heavily towards one but the other looks tempting. Pros and cons to weigh. But I am not alone. God is my employer in reality.

I've experienced a very disheartening and slightly scary obsession by a male alanon friend. He has semi stalked me for the last month. Anonymous gifts at meeting, my mail, in person and writing creepy, obsessive emails and texts to me. I am sponsor ordered to not reply after I set a boundary and he ignored it. Thank God I am not alone in any of my life situations.

I won a scholarship to attend our Serenity Weekend in a few weeks. That's $200 I do not have to pay to attend the 3 day step retreat. To give back, I volunteered to act in the annual skit there and to do a workshop on step 12. I do a lot of service so hopefully I will be able to share some good E,S and H on it.

I will write more about the above and more. I have neglected my blog but shall pay more attention forthwith. Oh, yeah...I'm dating again. Hoo-fricking-ray! LOL.

Love to all who read this and may today be the best today you can hope to have!


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Just today

There is always a feeling within me at the end of the year to write a "year in review" post. As if the last day of a year is THAT important to the days gone by. It's not. It's just today. The only day I have, the only day I have to concern myself with. The most important day of my life. I want to live and be in this day, this moment, this second. Because I want to be happy. And at this moment, I am not.

I am distracted, I am obsessed in my thinking about something I am not receiving at this moment in time. I lost a potential renter for the extra room in my house and I had a date last night with a nice guy who I think isn't interested. So, this sits on my diseased mind and tells me everything the gorilla wants me to believe: I am not worthy of love, if a man rejects me it's because there is something wrong with ME. The loss of a tenant = financial dear. This is MY mind's thought process. Intellectually I KNOW this is my limited thinking, which equates to fear. In my SPIRITUAL heart, I know this is God/universe taking care of things in their correct order. But, I WANT WHAT I WANT, damn it!

When I think like this I have become the 5 year old in the grocery store who wants that candy bar and screams till Mommy buys it for me. And until that intellectual truth travels to my heart, I will suffer. So, I am taking the actions to get the trip in gear: prayer, meditation, meeting soon, helping someone else and writing this blog. Hopefully by the end of the day all this spiritual work will result into some acceptance. Because as we know, and as it states on page 449 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous....

Acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems today.

Happy today, everyone. Peace.