Tuesday, July 28, 2015

That feeling of aloneness

I don't know if loneliness and aloneness are the same. I'd have to research it but don't have the energy to do so today. I took a late nap today and woke up feeling lost and alone. Its a rather awful feeling, really. It's hard to describe the feeling, I just know I felt the need to be in the company of someone I love, to feel the comfort of togetherness. I called Michael, a dear friend, to come join me to pack for my trip. Just hand out and talk nonsense. He wasn't feeling well so he passed but offered to come over tomorrow.

I moved on to plan B and called Jackson. And you know what? He came right over. We had pizza together and listened to some of our favorite Ricky Gervais podcast that we both enjoy. We talked about a lot of things: his excitement of his new band, upcoming gigs, and whatnot. It was a sweet, lovely time together. But inside, I was just empty. His role s not to fill the emptiness, his role tonight was just to 'be' with me while I felt the emptiness.

I've been listening to my favorite spiritual author (next to Tolle), Fr. Anthony De Mello, J.S., PhD. He was a spiritual genius. I so adore his writings and talks. He says that loneliness stems from our living in the opposite of reality. We are sleeping. It is only until we wake up to reality, return to reality, then the loneliness will disappear. I am processing that now, as it's still not real logical to me.

I feel sad and teary. That 5 year old in me is afraid. She wants her mommy. But mommy is gone. I guess I need to talk to God.

Monday, July 27, 2015

On the way to losing oneself

If you've been reading this blog long enough you know that having a healthy relationship is a challenge for me. I am excellent when not in a relationship, however. :) Full of wisdom and logic, love and peace. But when one comes my way, it's knee shaking, fear inducing inner child terror. Adult Child Syndrome is what I will call it from now on.

I start off well, confident, self-assured and in control. Until the intimacy starts, then that little girl inside starts poking her head out. "Is he telling the truth?" she wonders. Thus begins the battle to trust another man. The guard goes up, then it comes down, up, down, in, out. And around and around we go. I blame him, for if he would only do alllllll that I need him to do to settle these insecurities. And when he fails me, and he will, I fall. Like Humpty Dumpty, I have a great fall.

As I start to wobbily rise, I look back to see where I had lost myself. Where had I places his needs before my own? When was I too afraid to express myself? Those nasty, sharp little egg shells I'd been avoiding. I tend to hide much of my dysfunction unless I am dating another 12 stepper. And that's who the last 2 men have been. So I "thought" it was safe to open up more of me to them thinking we spoke the same language. Well, I was wrong. As I write this, neither are attending AA any longer. And, I do not know if they are sober or not. Maybe this is what happens with dating people new in recovery. Although neither of these men were new specifically, rather, they are chronic relapsers. In and out. Which really means they're old newbies.

I have discussed this with my sponsor and others. I do believe that some men, especially men who cannot remain sober for long, are intimated by my recovery. I am very embedded with Al-Anon and AA. I speak the lingo, I practice the principles. Maybe it's like my being a health nut dating a fast food junkie. That they feel it's too much of a challenge to live my lifestyle. Or, they feel less than when they see me living a sober life when they aren't.

I don't know. I do know that everyone has a bottom, and I clearly and feeling my bottom with this last relationship. He wasn't working a program, he is in need of another program i.m.o. and he wasn't willing to do his part.

So I let go of him, and keep me.


I wrote this and placed it on my mirror. Sometimes a pen and a piece of paper are the most important spiritual tools I have.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

My friend Polly

Polly is 80 years young. When she told me her age recently I was shocked because she does not "feel" her age. She resonates youthful hope and an abundance of loveliness. She is a fellow of mine, and it seems, one of my biggest fans. I don't know exactly what I do that inspires her but she seems to think of me that way.

After my home group meeting yesterday, she approached me with a hug and a question: "Are you alright, Christina? You kept getting up from your seat and you didn't share today. Is everything OK with you? She'll never know how much that meant to me. For someone as dear as she, to observe me and to care enough to reach out. I didn't share with her the confusion I was feeling, the sadness that was looming underneath. I told her I was OK and thanked her for always thinking of me. She told me she misses it when I don't share, that she likes to hear what I have to say.

Polly is one of those lights who shine on me when life feels so dark. One of those angels to flutter around when I feel lost. God's gentle reminder that he is near and that I am loved. I need Polly, and I hope, there are others who may need me to be that light for them. Today I am in the dark.

Friday, July 24, 2015

Green eggs and ham

Theodor Seuss Geisel, known as "Dr.Seuss", that kooky, caring writer of my youth is back with another book. Well, technically he's still dead, but his former assistant has found lost treasure. Seems the good Dr. had a few books written in pencil that no one knew about until they cleaned out his things after he died. What a joy this is! Dr. Seuss was my friend when I was a little girl. His books gave me comfort in a world that was uncomfortable.

His written words were so different, so odd and so weird. Kinda like me. Or at least how I felt much of the time about myself. It was like there was someone else out there who spoke on my level. I used to try to recite his lyrical poetry-like work quickly to see if I could get it right without getting tongue tied. Rarely successful. When I re-read his work now, I can see he was not just being silly but he was teaching us about life. Just using his creative juxtaposition of words as a unique teaching method. Maybe as a way to get us to really pay attention.

I remember having only one birthday party as a child. The big kinda party where friends come over, we play "Pin the tail on the donkey". do the cake and gift thingy. I recall wearing my favorite dress. It was orange and had a Dr. Seuss character embroidered on it. I do not remember which character it was but I felt special wearing it. That was a lot of year ago, but that day, that dress, stands out as a sweet memory. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - Dr. Seuss