Thursday, May 5, 2016

Ya know what? It's really OK if someone doesn't want to like me. Love me. Call me. Reply to an email. Help me. Think of me.

It really, really is.

This is freedom from the bondage of me.

Monday, May 2, 2016


I'm tired. I've spent weeks and weeks packing, cleaning,organizing my home. I'm worn out I am here for 10 more days and I just want to sleep through it all. I'm emotionally exhausted too. Tonight I began to feel overwhelmed again. Drowning in sorrow. Thinking of people I've loved. Thinking of the people I'm leaving. I also decided to end a casual dating relationship. It's not what I want.

I want to be alone now. I want to feel every stinking feeling and emotion. There's going to be a farewell party for me this Saturday. I will cry my way through that. And I will just collapse after.

I'm just tired.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Vulnerability, part 1

I decided to begin a series on vulnerability. I will post an entry from time to time, whenever it feels right to do so, on something that I feel is extremely vulnerable. This, in an effort to continue practicing the spiritual principal of freedom. I have many thoughts, many millions of thoughts, rumbling through my head and many of them are dreams, fantasies, hopes, wishes. And most of those I do not share. With anyone. So now, I will share them here, with you. No matter who "you" are.

My first stab will be a thought I used to have about William. Just after we met, he asked me if I liked classical music, Beethoven specifically. Of course I love classical music, my son is a classical musician, and I've been listening to it for decades. As it happens, Beethoven composed my most favorite piece of classical literature, his 9th symphony - and it's final movement, "Ode to joy". I adore this piece of music, which should be no surprise, because it is full of joy! One day, William invited me to a symphonic performance of - you guessed it - Beethoven's 9th. It was 4 months away, but I guess he was excited about it, or me, and that made me excited. Except I was too guarded to show my excitement and I said something really stupid. "Sure, we can go, if we're still friends then. It's 4 months away". I regretted it the moment I said it. Talk about a non-vulnerable thing to say.

A few months later, we were no longer friends. And sadly, I never got to experience that "joy" with William. But, before our relationship ended, I would listen to Ode de Joy on my phone, in my car, at the gym - anywhere and everywhere, and think of him. During our time together, William would sporadically say, out of nowhere, "You wanna get married?" It was, at first, shocking. I don't believe any man I've ever dated had said such a thing to me, but William is not like any man I've ever dated. He'd say it in a way like someone else would say "you want mustard on your fries?" Very casual. But I always thought there was a deeper meaning behind it. I'd always answer "yes" or "sure". And there the seed was planted.

I'd think of William, "Ode de joy" and what a brilliant movement to have performed at our wedding. Yes, women - girls - always think of weddings when they first date a man. I guess because we were raised to get a man and get a ring. Anyhow, back to my fantasy. I'd visualize our wedding with the men and women's chorale from the University of Miami and for course, the Frost symphonic orchestra performing. If I am gonna dream, I'm gonna dream big! It's such a dramatic movement, filled with vocals that glide over the music. It has such meaning - to be and feel joyous. I suppose that's the relationship I wanted to have with him. Which, alas, was never to be.

I still listen to this piece. Most days with the love and attention it deserves. Sometimes, though, it hurts to hear it. It reminds me of William. And sometimes that hurts.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

I spoke at my home group today, to say my good bye. As usual, my heart floods with emotion. I will write more tomorrow when I become more settled. My Al-Anon family humbled me with incredible love. It is more than I can believe.