I'm OK with screwing up. Which I do often. Though at times I call myself stupid when I do something stupid, I snap out of it quickly. Because I come to..."come to"...realize that all people screw up. And I am not my screw up.
The same goes for my obsessive-compulsive behavior. I'm OK with what anyone else might think of me - when I can't let go, when I still reach out to someone who is mean to me. I'm Ok with that because I know my disease. It does what it does. I am not immune to my own allergy. I still act out, not in anger for the most part (although my anger these days isn't loud, it's sarcastic and smarmy). I am OK with this because I know what my disease can and will do to me at any given time. I am obsessive, especially when I am hurt. But, for today - just this day - I am not. So, not everyday is the gorilla dancing on my toes. I remember many other horrible days where the gorilla was ripping my arms and legs off. Thank you, God that isn't me today.
To have the feeling of being OK with my defects of character, to love and accept who I am, is freedom. Which isn't free, I've worked very hard to get here.
I've been busy this week - working in a new business endeavor - which has tired me out. Jackson will be here next week and we are going to drive to Florida together. I am going to sell my house.
Life is what it is and I am accepting it all. Sometimes, not liking it, but for the most part, accepting it. And, yesterday while making my gratitude list, I was grateful for having hair. Silly, perhaps, but it hit me that I am lucky to have hair.
That was a question my sponsor asked me last week. When sharing about a reaction I had with someone I love, he identified that I was in fear. His question was one that has resonated within the walls of my spiritual center. Kind of like a movie line that I will never forget. He is good with this kind of communication, and these are "Keithisms" I love. A few years ago when someone broke up with me, and continued to "dick" me around, he said this man was not "honoring you". WHOA! What a word, what a line. It made me realize that I DESERVE to be honored and helped me to see what dishonor looked like.
I grew into a new realm that day.
I allow people to dishonor me which results in my entering the kingdom of fear. In this kingdom there is self-doubt, no self-esteem and a new belief system can grow - in a sort of dysfunctional petrie dish. If I allow it. That's what having a sponsor is so critical for me. I will relapse into this shitty, and false, belief system if I stay in this kingdom alone.
I have an allergy to people. To dysfunctional people. I allow them into my life, I come to care about them and they eventually do what they do - hurt themselves and others. Including me. I accept this is my reality, but I don't accept there is no ability to manage this. That's the gift of the third step.
Having a higher power who is not fear, is my solution.
No matter how many times I screw up - and I do - I still love and respect myself. Along with serenity, it's a priceless gift. I have worked hard, and long, for this feeling. I know if I stopped practicing this way of life, I'd lose it all.
I am a member of a Facebook Al-Anon group, its private to members only so no one you know will see the posts. Earlier today someone posted how lonely they felt. A person responded with the question above "Do you have a God?".
I interpret it to mean that God would be the source to cast my feelings of loneliness, of aloneness, to. Today I feel lonely. I feel sad, and depressed. It doesn't matter why I do, I just do. So reading this question was helpful to me. I can make a decision to spend this weekend, which I project will be filled with loneliness, with God. I don't know what that will look like and entail. For now, I am painting. I've always been a painter but have let it go for a few years. I am returning to it and I believe it's my meditation in motion. It makes me feel good. And good is God. So, yes, I have a God.