Sunday, September 14, 2014

Gratitude makes a difference

I'm trying everything I can to beat this depression. I've been taught to make a gratitude list to turn my mind around.

Today I am grateful:

1. That I set a goal to get to the gym and I succeeded. A mild workout, but a workout none the less.

2. I did some laundry, ran the dishwasher, ate lunch and took a bath. For someone with no physical or emotional energy, this was success.

3. My incredible friends. And my son. The support I am receiving is simply the grace of a God who loves me.

4. Downton Abbey. I have watched 2 seasons of the show for the first time. It's intriguing, educational and engaging. I am grateful for the distraction.

5. This should have topped the list. But I guess it's a good thing I didn't think about it until the end. My anxiety has lessened and I did not have to take a Xanax today. For this I am extremely grateful.

God is good.

One moment, one breath at a time

I am still experiencing anxiety on a level not normal to me. Since losing my job, the lower power that lives in my mind has taken on force. It is a daily chore to put one foot in front of the other. I am not going to write on the negative thoughts, feeling I have. That would be churning the disease and hurting rather than helping me. I will focus on what I'm doing and how I am being helped.

I am on Zoloft and Xanax (as necessary). I don't like Xanax, it is addictive and that is the last thing I want to incur, another addiction. I take it as needed. Luckily, it's not nearly as often as the prescription calls for. I have pushed myself to get to meetings. It's not easy but I just ignore the thought police and go. Yesterday my home group had an anniversary party. We had more than double the amount of people there, 42 to be exact. For a morning meeting that's pretty big. I arrived late and when I went to the bathroom, I returned to find an envelope on my seat. It had my name on it. Inside was a $25 gift card to The Cheesecake Factory with a note that said "Just because U R Wonderful!". There was no signature. Someone loved me anonymously. I was absolutely shocked. I guess there is still a part of me that just can't believe I do anything nice enough to someone to do such an act of love and kindness.

The guest speaker had mentioned that in order to get love all we need to do is give love. "To get it, you give it. It's that simple". When my turn to share came, I shared about the gift. I started to cry deeply and said I was going through a hard depression and this meant a lot to me. When I stopped speaking, my hands started to shake and tremble. I don't know why. It was very intense. Maybe it was a result of the love of my fellows permeating into my consciousness to push out the disease?

That's what I will choose to believe today.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Gratitude list

1. My doctor and medication: Anti-depressant and anxiety medication. So grateful. Gives me hope.

2. My friends: They are saving my life and sanity now.

3. My sponsor: I feel safe and loved with his love and support.

4. My son: Incredibly supportive to me.

5. Smoothies: Pretty much the only food I can get down at the moment. Thank God for my blender.

6. The internet & YouTube: Healing videos, Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hahn, the Buddhist zen master. Inspiring and comforting.

These are people, places, things that are getting me through today.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Everybody knows what I need to do

I am suffering. I am riddled with anxiety and the familiar feeling of depression and everyone seems to know what I need to do. Or don't do. And a friend even thought it a good idea to tell me all about people she knows who have killed themselves from depression. Jeez, really?

She says I dont need meds, they're all so terrible and that I just need to know how awesome I am. Yeah, that's the treatment for depression and anxiety, isn't it? Ignorance. Fucking ignorant people. Oh yeah, she's a big pot head in a relationship with a toxic alcoholic. I should really take her advice.