I'm tired. I've spent weeks and weeks packing, cleaning,organizing my home. I'm worn out I am here for 10 more days and I just want to sleep through it all. I'm emotionally exhausted too. Tonight I began to feel overwhelmed again. Drowning in sorrow. Thinking of people I've loved. Thinking of the people I'm leaving. I also decided to end a casual dating relationship. It's not what I want.
I want to be alone now. I want to feel every stinking feeling and emotion. There's going to be a farewell party for me this Saturday. I will cry my way through that. And I will just collapse after.
I decided to begin a series on vulnerability. I will post an entry from time to time, whenever it feels right to do so, on something that I feel is extremely vulnerable. This, in an effort to continue practicing the spiritual principal of freedom. I have many thoughts, many millions of thoughts, rumbling through my head and many of them are dreams, fantasies, hopes, wishes. And most of those I do not share. With anyone. So now, I will share them here, with you. No matter who "you" are.
My first stab will be a thought I used to have about William. Just after we met, he asked me if I liked classical music, Beethoven specifically. Of course I love classical music, my son is a classical musician, and I've been listening to it for decades. As it happens, Beethoven composed my most favorite piece of classical literature, his 9th symphony - and it's final movement, "Ode to joy". I adore this piece of music, which should be no surprise, because it is full of joy! One day, William invited me to a symphonic performance of - you guessed it - Beethoven's 9th. It was 4 months away, but I guess he was excited about it, or me, and that made me excited. Except I was too guarded to show my excitement and I said something really stupid. "Sure, we can go, if we're still friends then. It's 4 months away". I regretted it the moment I said it. Talk about a non-vulnerable thing to say.
A few months later, we were no longer friends. And sadly, I never got to experience that "joy" with William. But, before our relationship ended, I would listen to Ode de Joy on my phone, in my car, at the gym - anywhere and everywhere, and think of him. During our time together, William would sporadically say, out of nowhere, "You wanna get married?" It was, at first, shocking. I don't believe any man I've ever dated had said such a thing to me, but William is not like any man I've ever dated. He'd say it in a way like someone else would say "you want mustard on your fries?" Very casual. But I always thought there was a deeper meaning behind it. I'd always answer "yes" or "sure". And there the seed was planted.
I'd think of William, "Ode de joy" and what a brilliant movement to have performed at our wedding. Yes, women - girls - always think of weddings when they first date a man. I guess because we were raised to get a man and get a ring. Anyhow, back to my fantasy. I'd visualize our wedding with the men and women's chorale from the University of Miami and for course, the Frost symphonic orchestra performing. If I am gonna dream, I'm gonna dream big! It's such a dramatic movement, filled with vocals that glide over the music. It has such meaning - to be and feel joyous. I suppose that's the relationship I wanted to have with him. Which, alas, was never to be.
I still listen to this piece. Most days with the love and attention it deserves. Sometimes, though, it hurts to hear it. It reminds me of William. And sometimes that hurts.
I spoke at my home group today, to say my good bye. As usual, my heart floods with emotion. I will write more tomorrow when I become more settled. My Al-Anon family humbled me with incredible love. It is more than I can believe.