Devestation all around

Today was a day of great sadness and pain for me. I almost don't know how to express myself. I haven't felt this way in a long, long time.

First to wake up and see the destruction in Oklahoma from the deadly tornado. How terribly sad. I remember that desperation when Hurricane Andrew hit Miami in 1992. It is horrible how many people died in this storm. I am so sorry for their loss.

As to my personal shit. I had my surgery today. It's been scheduled for weeks and planned that Jackson would take me. All laid out, time and everything. But it seemed that I was not on his priority list of important people to care about today. Fifteen minutes before we were due to leave, he said "Do we really need to leave at 2:30?". As in..."I've been too busy enjoying myself by playing video games and music to take the time to get ready to take you to your important surgical appointment". I guess he kinda thought I could just change my appointment time to suit him. He said he would *try* to shower and get ready to go, with just 15 minutes. Then, when I said I was leaving right on time, even if he wasn't ready, he literally did nothing. No shower. Nothing.

See, I needed him for more than just moral, loving support. I needed him to drive me home cus of the meds they put me on. Can't drive under the influence of narcotics. And yeah, it was "just" cancer surgery so who the hell needs family there to support me? And that it was facial surgery too. Guess in his self-entitled world the rest of us can go to hell.
So I went alone. Later, my ex husband, the formerly selfish alcoholic came to care for me. Strange how HE was there for me, but the child I raised alone for 10 years could have given less than a shit.

I was devastated. I felt so unimportant to this child. My own child. I was beyond consolable. I could not believe my own son could be so thoughtless. I cried in the waiting room, feeling so anxious to go into this procedure feeling so awful. I was grateful for the valium and codeine they gave me, knowing that soon I wouldn't give a shit about anything.

The surgery went well, I guess. The tissue has to be evaluated and in 2 weeks I will know if they got it all. If not, we do this again. My body will heal. My heart......not so much.

Here I am!

Confession: I have not been to a meeting in 12 days. Gosh, what a scary thought. I was due to go to my home group Saturday but got slammed by yet another massive allergy attack. No way I could go after taking Benedryl, my nemesis medication. Though I am spiritually plugged in through prayer, friends and daily Tolle videos, I am not dumb enough to assume meetings don't matter. They do. So today, I make a meeting. No matter what.

Jackson is home from college for the last week and we have both been working a lot so we're getting along well. Don't see each other often, so no disharmony. Funny how that works. I am enjoying having him here. Work is going well, dating is going well, my car hunting is not going so well. But all in all, life is going well. Either it IS going well or it's all shit and I am accepting it well. That could be the reality.

Yesterday my ex husband was being a dick to me. He is sick with vertigo and was being grumpy and rude. I had to end the call abruptly because he was trampling on my serenity. But the great thing was I did not take any of it personally. It rolled off my back in a split second because I accepted he was sick and it was his pain talking. few minutes later he texted an apology. I just wish I could take the behaviors of everyone this well. One day at a time, huh?

My former sponsee who has dropped out of Al-Anon sent me a happy mothers day text last week. I was surprised to hear from her. I replied in kind and that's it. Nothing more from her. She was my close friend too. I miss her. I was her when I dropped out once upon a time. I came back after 2 years. I hope she does too. My experience and that of others tells me it will be years before she returns. I wont project, I will pray.

Happy Monday today everyone. Keep your feet in today.

:)

Still here

I just realized its been 5 days since Ive last posted. Yikes! I have been crazy busy with work on a special project. And just received a major roadblock on the project and we are trying to overcome it. Lot of stress and long days. I am beyond exhausted.

But I am ok. :)

As I was feeling super stressed the other day and bringing it home after work, I became "aware" of it and put a stop to it. It was hard but I did it. It's important that I step back and leave the bad vibes at the door. I need a vacation so bad its not funny.

But I am still alive, still connected and still relatively sane. God IS good and I will be back to write more soon...

xoxo

Mother's day gift

So it's Mother Day today. How nice. Cards, flowers, candy...all the typical baloney that Hallmark markets to children everywhere. I'm lucky. Every year, Jackson would make me an Origami card out of notebook paper. He'd write cute little compliments in each section and they were always heartfelt. I've save them all. That's the kind of greeting card that means something to me.

Jackson isn't big on flowers and candy and gifts. And that's ok cus he's big on other stuff. A few days ago he gave me my Mothers day gift. He called asking for advice on a tender situation involving his band mate. The man had fired someone from the band without conferring with the other members. Jackson thought it was wrong and the guy lacked integrity and Jackson said he could no longer perform with someone who would hurt another like that. And he needed my advice on how to communicate his feelings.

How's that for a gift? To know that my son has integrity. To know that he cares for another human in this world. To think that he would respect me enough to seek my guidance. And, to actually take my advice, thank me for it and the situation worked out well for him.

You cant wrap that love in a gift box, now can you?

Happy Mothers day to the women (and men) who have been lucky enough to been given the gift of a child.

Out of the mouths of ignorance

I just gotta shake my damn head at stupid people. *SMGDH*

An Al-anon friend today asked why I didn't want to go to the beach with her after our morning meeting. Well, perhaps she has a short term memory disorder or just doeskin listen to my shares. I've been talking about the skin cancer diagnosis for 2 meetings now. Like how its SKIN cancer, which we all know is caused by SUN DAMAGE. And how I'm having this shitty surgery coming up. SURGERY, ya know. On my skin.

So when I reply that the beach isn't conclusive to my skin cancer, she says "Oh, yeah. Well, not if you just apply sunscreen". REALLY?? I mean..,,REALLY? I've been going through a lot of fear about this shit, and have surgery in 10 days and do I really want to risk ANY sun exposure that's more than necessary? I'm just appalled at the insensitivity. But that's ignorance, I guess. It ain't all bliss to me.

Meh.