Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Trust or bust.

Sometimes God says no. Actually, most times he says no to my wishes. My wants. My desires. But he always says "Trust me". And usually, I don't. At least not until after I've ranted and raved a while. But in the few times that I actually said "OK, I will trust",  I have been able to sit still and observe. And it's always been a mind blowing experience.

July 2007. Jackson's father drained the college fund we had for our boy. Spent every penny on drugs, alcohol and prostitutes. I was devastated to my core. Took him to court, the judge said she would not rule until Jackson was of college age, in 3 years. Come back then. I was heart broken. As I left the court house, I looked up into the sky and said "OK, it wasn't your will today. I'll wait". I didn't mean those words, I just said them with the hope that his will would come someday in the form of $20,000 to replace that money. As turn turns out it was not God's will to restore $20,000 into my care for Jackson's education. It was his will, 3 years later, when Jackson was a senior in high school, to award him 3 college scholarships to 3 different universities.

The one he accepted was worth $160,000.

That was never my will. It was never even a blip on the radar of hope. For my son to attend a major, private university that had a premier music college, where he would study under classical and jazz music greats, get a job in the same music college and become a post grad employee in that same music college. No, no that was never, ever a hope in heaven to ask for that. But God said yes. That was his plan for Jackson. And he said trust me. For three long years, I did. And we were rewarded.

So. If he could and would do that for him, what could he do for my love life? My career? My personal relationships. If I just let go and trust?

We'll find out. I'm trusting, for today. Just for today. He is my father, I am his daughter. And father's always love their kids. No matter what.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

People come into my life for a reason

If thoughts could kill, half my family, my roommate, sponsor and even I would be dead today. My spiritual condition has been suffering severe mortal self-flagellation. No meeting in 10 days, being physically sick and so inactive for a week has sucked the gratitude from my soul. It wasn't a pretty day on the inside. I half- measured it today by working from home half a day. I was in constant battle in my mind with anyone who dared take up residence there. To save my energy for my evening therapy appointment I chose not to go to a noon meeting. Turns out it was a good choice.

I made a comment to my sponsor today about God being involved with something I'd asked for today, He replied "God is behind, in front of,  above, below and within EVERYTHING".

Of course I know that intellectually but when every crappy thing is happening in my head at once it's hard to believe. And because my loving deity is such a show off, and wants me to believe, he proved it this evening. Big time.

Several weeks ago I met someone whose experience in life indicated to me that my son may have Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a form of Autism. In sharing his knowledge and personal experience and traits, I saw Jackson. I don't want to go into details but suffice it to say it has freaked me out. Part of the reason of concern is I had once suspected it when he was in high school. For the last few weeks I had kept this to myself with the exception of my sponsor and another friend. Last week I brought it up to Jackson who reacted with very little reaction. Which, coincidentally, is a very Asperger's like reaction. Flat emotions. Little expression of interest. I let it go until a few days ago when I asked what he thought or did he have he questions or would like to discuss it. Again, a flat no. No emotion, just no interest.

This morning I heard a voice tell me to invite Jackson to my therapy session tonight to discuss this together, all 3 of us. I had asked him to join me in therapy before and he'd always adamantly, with emotion, refuse. This time he said yes. We went. He was calm, open minded and positive. At the end of the session he told us both that he had researched Asperger's. He spoke in depth what he learned of it, the doctor who discovered it and much more data than even I knew. Clearly, even though he was not overtly showing concern, internally he was interested. My heart grew heavy to know this, yet uplifted to know he isn't denying the possibility. When I asked if he saw any traits of it within him, he said it wasn't for him to say. It was better for a professional to determine that. Not denial, but not acceptance. More like....maybe?

He is open to more investigation. My therapist gave him some resources to peruse. If this wasn't a great miracle in and of itself, we also discussed the abandonment of his father and his feelings about it. He has never opened up to discuss this before. I feel like God blessed me with a huge movement of a mountain. I could not be more grateful, and blessed for this amazing experience. And for the man who was the catalyst of awareness into Asperger's.

Thank you, WRM.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Spiritual malady

I've been sick for 6 days. Horrible respiratory nightmare. Literally 5 and one half days in bed. Night sweats, day sweats, fever, headache, neck ache, my ears hurt, my chest congested, sneezing and snotting all over myself. I have never been this sick. No meeting in 9 days, my son only half helpful, and another alcoholic man doing what sick alcoholics do. I am so ready to drop an emotional bomb on the next idiot who walks through my door. And since that will probably be my roommate, I will be very pleased to do so. That twit of a man lifted zero fingers of care for me this week. His only concern was my staying away from him so he wouldn't become ill too. The more I think of him the more I want to sneeze in his Corn Flakes.

Oh and my sponsor texts to inform me we cannot have our weekly phone call tonight. Meh. I should sneeze on his Corn Flakes too. Except he is a Vegan, he doesn't drink milk so no flakes. I could spit his Tofu, I suppose.

Restless, irritable and discontent in it's ugliest form. I hate the world and everyone in it. Yesterday's post about contentment seems like a million Buzz Lightyear's away. I am ripe for a severe spiritual sunburn today. What disturbs me most is the loss of a new friendship with, yes, another alcoholic. :/ I am especially disappointed because in the short time I came to know this man I could see a bright, deep, sensitive and thoughtful human being. So much goodness. I saw it but I also knew the nature of his disease and the lack of much sober time combined with lack of action, it was only a matter of time before the disease would show it's ugly, dishonest head. And so when it did, I didn't take it personal, but I do take my loss personal. I've learned to separate the man from the disease in the ability to have compassion. But I find there is no way to care about the man if he doesn't seek treatment (and responsibility) for how his choices hurt me. Which, in this case means, practicing detachment. Good person, bad disease.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Happy or....?

I named this blog "Happy, Joyous and Free" from the line in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a personalized tag on my car with the word "Happie" in it. And I made a commitment to not post anything negative on Facebook a few years ago and have maintained that standard. Why? Because I was so unhappy I wanted to be happy.

"Act the way you want to be, and soon you will become the way you act". (Heard that gem in the rooms years ago).

Take the action, the feeling will follow. Uh, well, not really. It was during this period that I was involved with a nasty child support fight with Jackson's alcoholic father. I was miserable. But wanted desperately to be happy. The problem was, I didn't know what happy looked like. Or felt like. I "thought" I knew. I thought it was the warm sensation I get when I hear Jackson perform a classical movement. That tingling feeling of pride and gratitude that he is in love with a beautiful art that gives nothing but joy. Or, perhaps that feeling I get when I meet a man who gets me, who makes my tummy twirl and I feel sweetly loved. Isn't that what happy sounds like to you?

I was misguided because I was ill informed. No one had taught me what happiness was. I was going off my own inner teacher, my feelings, my emotions. And if you are like me that is like asking a blind person to be your chauffeur. Bad idea! I thought happiness was a permanent condition. That I either was or I was not. And if there were periods during a day, week or month that I was feeling down or in despair I was doing something wrong. If I am not happy I am wrong?

So I turn to what has now, for me, become the most spiritual book to ever be written: the dictionary. It tells me what is real as opposed to what my mind thinks is real.


1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing:

    to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy:

    a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
"Happiness is a mental or emotional state of well-being defined by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy"

So based on this definition, it is illogical to assume one "should" be happy 24/7. Nor is it likely to even be possible. Am I always meant to be happy to see someone? Or always be in a joyful mood? My experience has told me unequivocally: No. So what have I been searching for all this time if it isn't happiness? Let's go back to the line Bill Wilson wrote in the chapter "The Family Afterwards".

"We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free".
Not just happy. Not just joyous. Not just free. But happy, joyous AND free. Which today I have discovered is..........


Do I have to change my license plate now?

The grace of God

"I may not be the person I hope to be but I'm certainly not the person I used to be".

How important that statement is. If I were to compare myself to the woman who walked into the rooms of Al-Anon (and Alcoholics Anonymous) almost 27 years ago, I would absolutely not recognize myself. God has rebuilt me from the inside out. Like an old car who has been restored to it's classic self, I feel that I have evolved into the person God has always known I am. He knew, but I didn't. And I suppose it's not for me to know, it's only for me to do. Suit up, show up and shut up. And just do. Bob Darrell, a long time AA who is sponsored by Clancy I. says the 12 steps are not for people who want it, or need it. They are for people who "do it". Just be a doer.

Today I do it. One day at a time, sometimes even less. One second at a time. I have been locked away into the confines of my bedroom for the last 4 days with a nasty respiratory illness. It has taken it's way with me and I feel like crap. All I can do it treat the symptoms and pray. Which has been just the "God help me" kinda prayer. But I've learned that is OK. Last night I suffered through a sweat-out while sleeping. My body was detoxing through my pores and I was drenched in sweat and cold at the same time.  It was less than fun, however, I've awoken to a slight feeling of improvement. What I find interesting is my emotional and spiritual condition is rather stable. Usually when my health is compromised, my emotions take a giant leap into the abyss of fear, depression and misery. Not so today. I am accepting what is. I feel disappointed by someone but it hasn't left me in despair. It feels like a miracle that I can distance myself from someone else's actions and not lose me. 

This is what we call an IBM. "Itty Bitty Miracle".