Sunday, January 15, 2017

Where is safe?

My inner child is scared. Again. I can remember all the way back to age 5 or 6, feeling afraid. And dependent on my other. She was my higher power. I was so attached to her and I recall wondering if other people felt this same way. When I met my husband at 17 I remember feeling "finally, Ill be OK now, I've found the one". I felt like I'd found my forever security. I found "him".

I was a drug addict and I'd never, ever taken a drug yet. The drug was a person and my addiction was to security. Feeling safe. My safety was in another person. It would take 7 more years to find Al-Anon and another 23 until I understood that I was an addict. And the type of addict I was. Codependent addict. I felt relief of some sort. Today, I feel it's a curse. That being said, it's been a bad 10 days. I've been sick with the flu, no meetings for 10 days, it's cold here one minute, hot another and I miss Jackson. Thus, my spiritual condition is poor. And I don't know where my 'safe' is.

So, I called my sponsor, Keith. Yoda, I sometimes call him. He's been through this with me before. Crying, more like sobbing. Desperate sobbing. The 5 year old who can't find her way home. Because I don't know where home is. It's not my house in Miami. It's just a house. It's not Miami because the city is so unappealing to me. It's not my friends, though they are close, because they have their own homes. Home, my home, is with Jackson. And, the very few who are my loved ones. Keith is my home. Angela, Amy are my home. My sister, Annebeth is my home. They are not "here", they are all over. It's just me here, and as Keith reminded me, my little girl inside. She's the one whose scared. He once had me write a letter to her promising to take care of her. Tonight, he reminded me that it's my job to take care of her. He suggested I hang a photo of me when I was a young child. I do have a wonderful framed photo of me at about age 2-3 that I've had on display for years. So, as I looked around my small apartment I realized it's not here. I've been in Atlanta for 7 months and I have not hung up my most pried possession. Me.

So, tomorrow, I will find me. The real me. The me who needs me to take care of and make feel safe. The me, that I am. I am she. I will find her and hold her and tell her that I am safe. That this too shall pass.

I will be her parent for God is my father, and he is within. Therefore, her (my) safeness has always been...right here. 


Saturday, January 14, 2017

The dare to compare

"To compare is to despair"

To look at someone else' life and wish I had what they had, do what they do, is usually quite a dangerous feat. It's the result of my inner self in deep suffering, longing to escape where it is and thinking it need to be where you are. It's a lack of accepting where I am because i don't like where I am.

For me, its usually with relationships. Looking at others 'perfect' relationships - so happy, content and all warm and lovely. Or, so I think. We all know the problem is "I think". So, is any of it real? Someone I was once very close with, but no longer in friendship with, met their current significant other 6 months ago. He is very much an untreated Al-Anon having been raised by a terribly emotionally handicapped mother - pill addict - and whose relationship with women has been terribly addictive. He would pretty much take any woman that would have him. So, two divorces later, a broken relationship with his only adult child, he met a woman online and within 2 months decided to sell his furniture, leave his job and move 2.5 hours away to live with this woman. 4 months in, he proposes and removed his child's as beneficiary to his life insurance and retirement account - and added the woman's name. This, after he once told me, he neglected his daughter in favor of his 2nd wife's 4 children in his effort to keep the wife happy. He cut his daughter out personally and financially, spending his time and money on someone else' children. He told me once how he regretted that and wanted to make it up to her, especially because she has nothing and her husband rarely works. And here, now, he has taken back any kind of financial security she will ever know. Why? Because he is desperate to keep future wife #3 attached to him. Or, so he thinks.

This totally disgusts me. But, as I have seen, and done, disgust is very much a part of the family disease of addiction. When I look at his relationship with eyes of acceptance and love, I see sad desperation. I see two people who know so little about each other, falling into that lovely intoxication of pheromones and infatuation, making grown up decisions under the mind of immature thinking. He has not even introduced this woman to his child yet.

I used to be this man. I use to fall in love at the snap of a finger. Any man that would have me was the man for me. And I would give and give and give in order to keep the love coming. I had no sense of self. No idea who I was or what I wanted I just knew I didnt want to be alone. So I'd take any tall, dark and insane man who would take me. I shudder now that that behavior.

The reason this man and I are no longer friends is due to his severe insecurity that his future wife would be unhappy that he has a female friend. I was literally his only friend for 2 years. When he would start to date a woman, he would distance himself from me. Because I was a potential bomb that could cause harm to his needed relationship. He once apologized to be for this and admitted he was aware of his "issues". Yeah, aware, but in no way accepting of them and absolutely no desire to take action on them. I dragged him once to an Al-Anon meeting. It was just like pulling on the lease of a dog. He never wanted to return again. And, well, he doesn't have to. As long as this relationship continues, he won't have to. As long as he can keep her happy, his happiness doesn't matter.

When I compare myself to him - to them - today.....I am so grateful that's not me. That their relationship is definitely not the one I am seeking. I am so grateful. There is no despair in this comparison. 


*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

I woke up this morning feeling depressed. I was thinking about what vulnerabilty means to me. I worked hard on being vulerable in therapy last year. So many times I hold back from expressing my true feelings because I worry about what people will think of me. Especially when it comes to William. For today, though, I am not going to care. I miss him. Since he told me in October that he still loved me, it's shaken my inner foundation. It all fell on the heels of Barbara's passing and it seems my system has been deeply affected by it. I've reached out to William and though he seems to still be in treatment, he has returned recently to make a small appearance on social media. And, as true to his form, has chosen to not respond to my messages to him. There is no hate or anger on either of our parts. There is just emotional instability and difficulty in trusting humans - on his part. He does the best he can, I know. I just miss him and hope he recovers.

There I said it. I wrote about William. I am being vulnerble and I didn't melt.

Monday, January 9, 2017

A sick perspective

Today is day 4.5 of being in bed with the flu. Woke up Thursday with "that feeling" that I may be getting sick. I did what I always do - emergencee, Oil of oregano - all the preparation I normally do. Went grocery shopping, luckily. Oh, what a great decision that was. I had no idea how I'd come to need all the provisions I had. I was prepared. Except for one thing. The severity. I didn't think it would be "this bad". But it was, and is, that bad. To make it worse, Jackson has it to. Only he got to have the stomach virus part of it for the first day. Lucky him. Oh, and in a Washington D.C. hotel where he was attending a convention.

And I got to worry about him -a ll the way from Atlanta. I was in constant touch with him, still am as he is currently sitting in misery at the airport waiting for his 5 pm flight back to Orlando. I told him he could get meds at the gift shop, food from room service or the restaurant and must absolutely rest, rest, rest. Did he take my advice? No. Because yesterday was the last day of the Con and he had been sick for the big day on Saturday, he felt he needed to reconnect with his peers and potential business partners. So he went to hang out with them. And, perform. As in, perform musical instrumentation. I was so mad. And frustrated that he could not take a moment to really understand how sick he is and that because I AM SICK, I know what the solution is. 

But no. He had to do it his way. He went to bed at 8.30 last night, but didn't sleep. At 7am he texts that he is weak and exhausted. And NOW....he is ready to get some Nyquil and food. He was so pathetic sounding, I felt horrible for him. I had already looked up his hotel's amenities and told him where to go for the NyQuil - gift shop, and get the $25 buffet breakfast. He did not want to spend that much money, nor could I blame him, but he needed hot food for energy and I insisted. I offered to send him money via PayPal but he refused. He is trying to be his own man for which I so respect and honor. I am proud of him even though his stubbornness makes him make poor decisions. I guess he needs to learn the hard way.

Much like the alcoholic, or the untreated child of, we sometimes cannot see a dangerous situation as it really is. 

" And as we learn to place our problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives" - Al-Anon opening.

He couldn't see his problem, that his health needed extra care today. Now he is crashing and reached out. From my phone, I am texting him things to remind him this too shall pass and take it a minute at a time. That he is getting through this and will be home soon. He needs understanding an encouragement, just like an alcoholic who makes similar mistakes.

It's bee hard being his support when I feel like such shit myself. But I've been using the power of prayer all weekend long. And this morning I finally asked my upstairs landlord for some help in the form of Ibuprofen. He gave me some and it's helped a lot.

We are always learning, aren't we?

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Sick, asking for help aint't easy

The Atlanta snowspectacular turned into a craptacular. We got 1/2 an inch and a bunch of ice. Bleh. 25 degrees too. Double bleh. I have been in bed for 2 full days, under covers, space heater at my side, dirty hair in pony tails and today Jackson calls to say.....he has the stomach flu. Oy joy. He has been traveling since Dec 22nd. He is now in DC at the biggest music festival of his industry. And he had been fallen by the pukes.

This really upsets me. As a codependent mother, this means I have no control over helping him. At least not the control that I am accustomed to. Putting on my super hero cape and flying in to tend to his every need. *Sigh*. My biggest issue with him in a situation like this is to overcome his stubborn tendencies. He was dehydrated and that is no bueno. He couldnt keep anything down and he would not go to the urgent care center which was 2 blocks from the hotel. How do I know that?

Because I called the hotel. :) Three times. The serenity prayer asks that God for the courage to change the things I can. Well, I had to courage to risk his getting pissed off at me for sending the hotel safety services to check on him. Yes, I did. He was only slightly annoyed. See, he is one of us. He doesn't want to "bother" his friends who he is sharing a room with. Bother them to go to the store and buy him some Pedialyte and Gatorade. So, when there is that loss of self-esteem, the feeling that people DO care about you and it's NOT an imposition to ask for help, then I will ask for him.

Because I love him. And he will not lose more electrolytes on my watch.

I messaged some of his friends on Facebook who were attending this Con. I asked for their help. I have no problem believing that human being are GOOD and LOVING people and are happy to help when someone they care about gets sick. Knowing Jackson as I do, he would be the absolute first person to offer care to someone in need.

He needs Al-Anon again, he does. I have told him of my boundary and I will remain consistent in it. I will also care for him from Atlanta the best I can. From my own sick bed. Cough, cough.

Ugh.

I have had a few friends offer me help and I would definitely accept if I needed it. Luckily I have most of everything I need. I have no problem receiving today. That is such a wonderful feeling.