Monday, July 21, 2014

God, direct my thinking today so that it be empty of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God, inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God, show me what I need to do to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man. In the spirit of the Steps I pray. AMEN
God, forgive me where I have been resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid today. Help me to not keep anything to myself but to discuss it all openly with another person - show me where I owe an apology and help me make it. Help me to be kind and loving to all people. Use me in the mainstream of life, God. Free me of worry, remorse or morbid (sick) reflections that I may be of usefulness to others. AMEN

Thursday, July 17, 2014

November 19, 2003

On this date, November 19, 2003 I joined an online sober community that had AA, Al-Anon forums. Not connected to the fellowships, just a site where both folks came to share and recover together. It was this site where I met two men who became very important to me and my recovery. And who are my friends still today. One who is  my sponsor. Wow, can you believe that? I haven't been associated with the site in years but I googled my old screen name is the post below is what I found. I was afraid at first to read it, being the fearful child I am. Because, I think, I didn't want to see how hateful and angry I was back then. But today when I finally got the courage to read it, I found that not to be the case. I am shocked because on that date, my world was in its early stages of falling apart. My ex was in relapse, and I was addicted to him and had decided to go cold turkey and cut him out of my life. I am amazed to look back and see that I had some level of sanity, of compassion....of hope.
Hello, Im new & want to say hi...

Hi everyone,

Im new to SR, but not to recovery. Ive been a grateful member of Al Anon & NarAnon for 15 years. I just found this forum a week ago and very glad I did. The people here seem so wonderfully warm and gratious.

Life is going a bit sad lately for me. I just realized a month ago that I had been in a whole new denial about my former husband, an Alcoholic. I divorced him when I realized I had fallen out of love (Long seperated due to his drinking). When he finally did get sober (4 yrs ago), we became good friends. Actually, great friends and I just came to realize that I had become emotionally dependant on him. Wow,,,,,denial really is a warm blanket,,,,that can ruin my life. I just spent a full 3 weeks in a physically and emotionally withdrawal that I consider to be equal to that of an A going thru withdrawal, with panic attacks, nausea, loss of appetite, hot flashes, crying jags etc.

Luckily, I have a sponsor with the wisdom of Job and a large Al-Anon support group who loved me back to life. Went to 10 meetings a week, still do LOL, and gradually am coming back.

The sadness of my decision to detach from him is great. I know, however, that it is what is best for me at the moment. Its odd how when I divorced him I went through no suffering of this kind,,,I had gradually let go of him over the years and suppose by that time, I was in full acceptance.

In his sobriety he became a lovely man,,,,better than I could have hoped for,,,,,so if nothing else,,,Id like you all to know that people can and do change themselves,,,in thier own time,,,and can become beautiful again. Im finding that out about myself right now. I just have to keep remembering that growth cannot occur without pain. When Im in pain, I become very "teachable".

Thanks for listening,,,Im very glad to be here,,,to be "home".
With much love,

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I'm asking for help

I'm worried about depression. I feel it may be making it's comeback into my life. I am weepy and crying in the morning and feel a lack of enthusiasm. This is a warning sign and I am watching and taking action. I made an appointment with my doctors office. Sadly I found out my doctor lost her husband last week. I knew he was seriously ill several months ago and it was likely fatal. I am so sorry for her and I think I will send her a condolence card. I saw the memorial video of them and their children online and it is heartbreaking how much in love they look. :(

I am seeing her physicians assistant next week to review my health, my thyroid and my potential depression. I have also asked my sponsor to be more on alert, that I will check in with him more often. I told my son I may need to call him more often too, just to hear his voice. I have a group of loving friends I know I can lean on, and if I need meds, I will take them. Of course, I have the rooms of Al-Anon and Alcoholics Anonymous. I have the solution at my finger tips.

But if only knowledge were enough to relieve me of the pain. What my head knows, my heart needs to feel.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I'll never be cured

A nice friend of mine lost this job today. He was shocked. Long employed, good reputation, successful until a few bad quarters lately. He asked for a renegotiation of his compensation, a few hours later he was fired. They were waiting to pull the trigger. They did it with typical disrespect as is common in cowardly employers. This is a good man loved by his clients and colleagues. And so I wanted to "help" him. I gave him the 12 step, spiritual pep talk. Looked up food stamp, insurance benefit info, inspiring quotes and even a motivational Youtube video. And then I caught myself and called a friend to talk over my savior endeavor.

Within an hour my friend had networked with enough people that he had 4 leads. I had to smile. It's a relapse of sorts. He loses his job, I freak out. I know his situation, he's been unhappy for months, I've urged him to take action. And he did and he got fired. I know intuitively he took the right action, but this is NOT the outcome I had planned. LOL. Yeah, I know...How do we make god laugh? Make plans.

I've let it go. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself. I've prayed for him, sent him my love and support and that's my job. Everything else is God's job.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Al-Anon family

Yesterday I attended a memorial meeting for a beloved dual member who passed of of cancer this week. Every group has a few members of long timers who are beloved and Bill and his wife, Maty, are two such people. Bill had cancer on and off for several years. I have not been a part of their groups for a few years but saw them occasionally at various events and meetings. Bill was the epitome of a gentle man. Soft in voice, big in love. We've lost a good one. The fellowship came together yesterday in a big way. I was so grateful to have been asked to help set up the room to prepare for the service. It was a memorial 12 step meeting, all devoted to he and Maty. It was heart warming to hear the testimonials of how this man gave to his fellows. All so true. So many life changed forever because one person dared to care. With all his heart.

God is rejoicing with Bill tonight.