Thursday, November 20, 2014

3 letters

Last night my sponsor suggested I write 3 letters every day for 14 days. One to God, one to my inner child and one to a significant person in my life. In my case, my father. Since he is clearly the one with whom I have "issues" with. And I do this for 14 days. If I forget a day I have to start over. Why? I dunno. Why not? I didn't ask why, I just said yes.

I had called him with yet another case of "I hate my room mate and want to pee in his fish tank". In other words, I was "reacting". Reacting to his not giving a damn that he hurt me and just going along with his life as if I never mattered and everything else is more important. My adult child reacting like an inner child. My abandonment and rejection feelings on steroids. It just hurts a lot.

So there is the reason for writing to my dead father. In the hopes that this can be resolved, healed. The trust and love I place into a man, even if it's a platonic male friendship, always seems to hurt me when they fail me. And most men do fail me. This man is an untreated Al-Anon who wouldn't know how to handle a feeling to save his life. Or my life. And that's the key....he's not supposed to be in charge of my life.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Trying to find gratitude

I have just returned from setting up the room at the church for tonight's gratitude dinner. I was dissapointed that not very many people showed up to help with the work. Which was a lot. I am trying to focus on the fact that people did show and be grateful for that. It's hard I guess because I am still hurting from the loss of the friendship of my friend Michael, my now room mate.

Last night we had "words" which means I called him out on his shit and he just stood there. I have been bottling up my feelings because he just doesn't understand how he hurt me. It's like talking to a 10 year old instead of a 50 year old. Untreated Al-Anonism is just as ugly as a wet drunk. I eventually calmed down and had a 12 step talk with him. I doubt it penetrated through. His denial is pretty intense. He just wants a woman to love him and when he found one, that's all he needs and everyone else has to go. Which means me, because I am his only friend. And I pose a threat to him. He is not allowed to have a female friend, especially someone he used to date.

I tried to carry the message of my experience, and his behaviors and how they've affected me. I told him it hurt me that I invited him to tonight's gratitude dinner and he never responded. Which is his way of avoiding having to say no. I noticed that pattern in him long ago. His way of saying no is pretending like there was never a question. I told him how much this dinner meant to me because I am the chair this year and it has a lot of meaning. And that his avoiding my invite was hurtful. He said nothing. He doesn't want to change. I offered to take him to a meeting and left it alone. He later thanked me for the offer and then went to spend the weekend with the girlfriend.

And I need to let it go. Hurt people hurt other people. I need to focus on the people who love me, not hurt me.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Hello

I've been neglecting my blog and didn't even realize it. :(

The gratitude dinner is tomorrow night. I am quite consumed with my immense responsibilities to this event. I have not been in the moment much lately, mainly because of my room mate drama. My "friend" has caused me a lot of pain. I had no idea how I underestimated this man. He has no capacity to deal with conflict except to deny and avoid it. I could contain myself no longer and last night I exploded when he disrespected me and my home. I confronted him on his behavior, his passive-aggressive behavior and how it's hurt me. I saw how truly broken he is as he could not say much. It was like fighting with a marshmallow. He knows what he did and can't deny it. So he didn't. Guess I have to give that much to him.

I need to let it go and accept that he is so desperate for a woman to love him that he cannot give anything to anyone else. He has to be anything and everything the woman wants. He literally said he will alter his life to be available for this woman. My God....how I was once that pathetic and self-loathing. I need to let him be who he is and accept our friendship is dead. He can't give what he doesn't have. He doesn't love, honor or respect himself, how can I expect him to love, honor or respect our friendship.

It's a death. I am mourning. One day at a time.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

I want my will done, please?

When things don't go my way I don't like it. But...when I am in good spiritual condition, I can say "Maybe this is the way it's supposed to go". Like not being able to sell my car to the person I wanted to so I can buy another car that is a great price, well below market value and with only a few miles. That did not go my way. So I took the car to Car Max, hoping for a half way decent offer. That didn't happen either. So here I sit, occupied in thought at how I am not going to get what I want. Or perhaps I won't. Add to that I just went to my regular Sunday AA meeting and see my ex there with his new girlfriend. *groan*. Oh ya, and my room mate friend and I are not speaking. He refuses to own his part or address how he hurt me, so silence is our norm. Yeah, things are pretty much uncomfortable here. Not to mention my anxiety is still a challenge.

So I am going to have a chat with God, and tell him, then show him, that I will turn this all over to him. My life was placed in his care when I took that 3rd step. Here ya go.....

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Contempt, bitternness and blind resentment

That's exactly how I feel about the man who was once a dear friend. And who is living in my home, renting a room from me. What a mistake I made. He is exactly like my alcoholic ex husband used to be. Avoidant, emotionally unavailable, passive to the point of ignorance. I am very hurt at something he did, or rather didn't do, and I shared it. And he did nothing but another "sorry". We know those sorry's, don't we? The alcoholic said it over and over and over. And repeated the same hurtful behavior over and over and over. This man is no different. Yet I thought he was.

And therein lies my disturbance. I expected something different from him. "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments". So I get to pray for him every day. And I do. Not for him, but for me to be relieved of the poison. At least I know what to do and I am willing to do it.

And let God do the rest.