Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Here?

I'm not really motivated to write on this blog much anymore. It feels like an empty place here for some reason. My grief is lifting, thankfully, but I don't know why but it feels like this blog is dying. Sometimes I think it's because I have very little commentary from my readers. Like there is a disconnect, kinda like I'm tapping on the microphone asking "Is there anyone here?" I know people read because my statcounter tells me. But we're not really engaged.

Or maybe I'm not engaged?

It matters not. I will pray on it and see if God wants me to remain here. Or go. Speaking of going, tomorrow I return to Miami for a few days. I have to take care of my outgoing tenant and incoming tenants. Both who are annoying me, for different reasons. I have decided to let it all go, as I am in a desire to not fight life. Go with the flow. Not attach myself to bullshit.

Just for today anyhow.


Thursday, November 24, 2016

Grateful

I thought I should find my gratitude again. Instead of let it stay buried with Barbara.

I can write a whole phone book on all that Barbara has done for me. And all I am grateful for in her. For tonight, I will say I am extremely grateful that William is in a treatment facility in Florida. Away from sick people and, I hope, finding his own gratitude.


I am very grateful.
 

Thanksgiving

If you celebrate Thanksgiving, I wish you a day of peace and enjoyment.

I learned many years ago that Alcoholism can rob us of our treasured holidays. Disappointment, expectations gone unmet can leave us in tatters. So in cases such as these, Thanksgiving can also just be Thursday. So if that's the case with you, Happy Thursday.

I am choosing to be alone today. Rather, not do any family festivities. I don't have family in Atlanta anyhow. Though I have had a few invites - pity invitations - I choose not to attend a gathering where I don't know anyone. Other than the inviter, that is. I posted on Facebook that this is a choice I am making. Not a sad, pathetic circumstance. Seems some Facebook pals think it's horrible a person could choose to be alone on Thanksgiving. So one person invited me to join her and her family, who I don't know. This friend knows I am new here and alone, why didn't she think to invite me before?

I don't care. It's human nature to think only of oneself. I just found it odd how many people think it's horrid to be alone. Actually, as I posted, I am not going to be alone completely. Jackson has invited me to do a live stream via Skype with him. He will be performing for his YouTube viewers. Thanks how he earns his living, and he has included me in it. Which I an excited about. So it is going to be a lovely day.

Even if I am not eating mashed potatoes and turkey.

We - I - have a choice. Always have. Life is as good or as shitty as I make it. At the moment, I am halfway between good and shitty. I am in grief. I am also concerned for William. I am trying - trying hard - to trust God.

One day at a time.


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

One need only have the faith of a mustard seed.

God will make it grow.


Saturday, November 19, 2016

Angry, depressed and a cheap man

I should change the photo on this blog. It's too happy. I need one to reflect what I feel today. Sorrowful. Sad. Angry. I don't even recognize the happy Christina anymore. And I really don't care. I am angry. And I hate everyone. Except Jackson. He is the only good I will allow in.

I am told mourning a significant loss includes the typical 5 stages of grief. Denial. Bargaining. Anger. Depression. Acceptance. I run through them daily. I am also told they come around each one, whenever they like. There is no straight line, or in any order. I can't say I have experienced acceptance yet. Today's feelings are anger and depression. My lovely attitude towards the world just shows that, huh?

I am also frightened. I have re-injected myself into William's life, to the extent that he allows, and I am scared. He is off the chains, angry, defiant and unmedicated. Although he is supposed to leave for rehab on Monday, nothing means anything until he is there. I hate what he has put himself through, I hate what he has put those who care about him through. Mainly me. His parent's are lying, sick, control freaks who contribute a great deal to his disease, and I despise them, however they are also paying for his treatment. One more time. It's hard to hate them knowing this. In all truth I don't hate them - or anyone - I hate the pattern of all their diseases in how this dance just keeps on repeating. The cycle of enabling, rescuing, rehab, control and on and on. They buy his sobriety, get him clean, then set him up for failure with his "paid to be sober" gig. The only thing that will end it is if he ends his relationship with them. Or detach from them for a significant period of time.

What are the odds of that happening?

Dismal.

My opinion, of course. My shitty opinion. I'm sure God's got something to say about all this. But I' not really too interested in him at the moment. I hate the world, remember?

I went to a party tonight at this "new guy's" house. That will be his name for purpose of this blog. I met him before I went to Miami, we had a date, he was nice and we've been in touch frequently. New guy appears to me, more and more, to be a dick. Yeah, well sorry for that word but for this moment, it works. He has a "thing" where he doesn't like to, want to, or is willing to, take a woman out for a date if it will cost money. Yeah, not kidding. He wants to invite a woman to his home to watch big TV or play ping pong or pinball. He is 47. Really. One of his female friends told me tonight that he just doesn't spend money on women and an ex girlfriend had a problem with that. I am no gold-digger by any means but this is fucked up. The guy ain't broke by any means. He is just cheap.

I think we'll just be friends. Especially since I brought a bunch of food AND a small gift for him tonight since it was his birthday and he didn't find it necessary to say thank you, help me set up the food I brought, or introduce me to anyone. I was a fish out of water in a house full of people I did not know. He was a terrible date/host.

I sucked it all up, hung out with his female friend whose company I enjoyed and did my own thing. If he is interested in my he had a shit way of showing it. He spent a total of 20 minutes chatting with me in the 3.5 hours I was there.

Next!