Friday, November 27, 2015

"To Watch is not to love" - Dr.Carl Jung

This quote is printed in light blue beginnings booklet given out in the Nar-Anon fellowship. I have that book from my early days in recovery. What Dr. Jung meant, to me, was the obsess, or observe, to judge someone elses life, choices, hair color, or alcohol and drug intake, is not an act of love.

But we watch, don't we? At least I do. And I've been watching a lot lately. Not my ex-husband, but my ex, William. I've viewed his blog and his Facebook page. There has been a Tsunami of insane posting, rants, obscenity, non-sensical crazy talk. It breaks my heart. But, I keep watching. And I keep cringing.

Last night, on Thanksgiving, he was, as he is most days, obsessed with a particular music track. Not a song, but a track of drumming that he has posted all over social media. Well apparently had the balls to change their policy on something whereupon he commenced to call them assholes and "fucking whores". *sigh*. Yes.

I know his children, you teens, are on Facebook. So I sent him a private message asking if he would like for them to see his choice of words in that rant should they view his news feed. Within 5 minutes, he removed the multiple, offending posts and wrote a "Happy Thanksgiving everyone" message. Sad. Very damn sad.

So I am watching, and though I am not judging him, or condemning him, I am not loving. Neither he or I, I am not loving either of us. He is drinking, and maybe drugging. I can tell. The behavior shift is obvious. And I am powerless over it all. So I have decided to pray and ask God to relieve me of the obsession to watch. That's the solution. Having people tell me "I think you should just stay away from him" doesn't work, and in fact, insults me. So when my ex-husband, the addict, alcoholic said it to me today, I almost punched him in the throat. His lack of recovery, insight and awareness of his own addiction places him in NO position to pass judgment, or opine, on my life choices. And I let him know that.

I shall continue to pray for William. And for a surrender.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy today

Today is Thanksgiving, where many people take about 5 minutes to say what they're grateful for, maybe express a feeling or an emotion, then eat and fall asleep. And some even go out of their way to help the homeless by dishing out dinner at the local shelter. It's the one time of year they give back.

Yeah. Ok. Call me cynical this year but that's not giving thanks. Or rather, that's not "living" thankfully. I think that's a minor attempt at washing off the guilt and shame of the current year in their lack of service to humanity. Yes, I am being judgmental, or maybe just casting out my opinion.  I feel I can do this because I walk the talk. I serve, in some capacity, at every meeting I am in. A dinner, banquet, or visiting a friends home. I extend my hand enough, and I do show gratitude and love every day. And I do mean, every day. Not that I am all happily loving people 24/7. Some days it's just a short amount of love, but it's love none the less.

So I am OK with the gratitude I give on a daily basis. This drama shit with my ex has exhausted me. I have some home repairs needing to be done and had just gotten an estimate the day before this began. My ex offered to do it for half the exorbitant amount. I had to call my sponsor to review it with him to make sure I wasn't enabling him. (I'm not). But see, that's a lot of work for an Al-Anon. The thought police are always on patrol in my head, looking to see if I violate any of my own principles. Get sick, enable alcoholics. A lot of emotional work.

I am tired. There will be no big celebration of the pilgrims sitting down for dinner with the Indians here. Jackson and I will go to dinner alone, in a restaurant, as if it were any other day. Because Thanksgiving, if you are truly a grateful human, is every day.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015


My former husband came to my home today to tlel me he was fired from his job because he stole $3000. A client had paid a deposit on an order, and he spent it. On bills, he says. Who knows. They won't prosecute if he re-pays. He is destitute and desperate.

Tonight we went to an AA meeting together. He is embracing AA and has a sponsor, who was once his good friend in AA. He has been gracious and loving to my ex. As have I.

But I will not rescue him this time. He has done this with money before. To my son. It's time he felt the consequences.

God is in charge.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Drama free, alcoholic free, zone

This has been a hard week of Alcoholism for me. The tenant drama, his drunk girlfriend being in my home, kicking him out. And now my ex husband has somehow lost his job. He is doing his own drama production by only giving me bits of information along with a lot of begging to help him file for unemployment (no thanks). And tonight the tenant came back to pick up all his crap that I packed up into 10 kitchen trash bags and several boxes. Did he thank me? Ha! He didn't even speak to me. But he left his crutches here. "I don't need 'em". So now I get the hassle of storing them. He supposedly just had a near fatal car accident and his knee is all injured but he doesn't need them.

Welcome to Alcoholic stupidity 101.

This is the shit I left my husband because of. I don't have to do this anymore. In fact, I WON'T do this anymore. This guy found yet another ex-gf to take him in. As he always does. He plays these women like a fiddle. But, they allow themselves to be played.

I've done it. I've been there. There is not here, in this moment. Where I lay in bed quietly, with serenity and I don't have to save anyone.

Monday, November 23, 2015

Boundaries, big time, bad-ass boundaries, baby

The alcoholic merry-go-round of hell just won't stop. On Wednesday, the 48 year old Alcoholic who I rented to was fired for stealing from a co-worker. They had marked some bills as they'd suspected him and voila. When the money was missing, they found it on him. Of course he didn't tell me this, his mother did. She is my friend from the fellowship. The boss had called her because they are long time family friends.

Upon his way home from being fired, he was, he says, hit by a car while riding his bike. As he was coming out of a gas station. Which probably means he had just bought a beer. Next day, he goes to ER: 4 fractured ribs, knee injury and of course, as always, severe chirossis of the liver. On Saturday as he is all laid up in bed, his drunk girlfriend shows up at my house. Drunk. To do his laundry. When she started all her drama, slurring, crying, drama-ing, it was time for her to go. I told him to get her out. When he was gone, I called him Mom who gave me the previous details, so I knew he had to go.

I had no second thoughts I was going to boot him, but it was that "anxious" feeling that scared me. That feeling that only an adult child, or a partner if an addict knows. I hated it. And I was home alone and I was nervous he'd fight me about it. Get beligerent and refuse to leae, or give me the key. So I called a few AA men friends, and Angela, my fellowship friend. Got good advice and lots of prayers. And when he returned home, I did it. He went without a fight. It was pathetic to see. I heard he called our mutual friend from AA in the middle of the night. Not because he wants help, but because she is the one he manipulates when he needs or wants something. She loves him and he uses her. She refused this time. Thank God. For her, and for him, she refused to enable. His mom hasn't heard from him. We all hope he is meeting his bottom. Broke. Injured. In pain and no where to go.

God's always homes. Let's hope he stops in to see him.