Tuesday, August 26, 2014

No worries, detaching with love

Jackson was to come over for dinner tonight. I made rice and was marinating a steak for him. 8 pm. He called to say he'd be here at 9 as he forgot he was seeing some friends at school tonight. He still works at the music school at his university, despite graduating in May. Semester just started, his friends are back in the dorms and he wanted to socialize. He's missed them. I said no problem.

At 9;15 he called, saying he lost track of time. They were playing Frisbee. I say no problem, come tomorrow night instead. He was so grateful for my understanding. I say no problem. Later he texts another apology. I say no problem, meat is marinating. All good. He says he loves me and good night.

He is the light of my life, I was and always do, look forward to seeing him.And I sit here wondering how in the world did I become so present and detached from a disappointment? I'm pretty sure this is what they mean by "Let it go and it will come back to you".

Big girl panties work miracles.

Monday, August 25, 2014

My fellowship, my love.

At the Al-Anon convention this weekend I experienced so much love and just good vibes. Though I did not enjoy the hotel much or it's lay out, I enjoyed the people, the talks, hanging out in the grass out on the golf course with my sponsor. It was just a good, spiritual time. And of course, my disease was there. When I saw a former sponsee who fired me a few months ago, the thought police in my head went off. She didn't say hello to me. (I didn't say hello to her either). Why doesn't she come to our mutual meeting anymore, because of me? All that horse shit the disease tells me. I knew it was the monkey in my head talking so I ignored it. But it lingered. For a while. And then it must've taken it's circus to another town cus I let it go.

Hearing Ric Buchanan, the Al-Anon executive director, and 40 year member, speak was interesting and meaningful. He spoke about what it means to be a "worldwide" fellowship. He talks about the different countries around the world have meetings and I have to say it chokes me up to visualize a woman like me walking into an Al-Anon meeting in Finland, in Spain, in Germany. Asking for help. It just amazes me and makes me feel that I will never be alone no matter where I go. Wow. Are we lucky or what?

He spoke of Lois, how she said it doesn't matter what prayer we say to open or close a meeting, that it was a spiritual moment and that is what matters. I am really so emotional and raw when I think about how deeply in love with Al-Anon I am. 26 years. Like a fine wine, this relationship I have with my fellowship just grows better and better. And yes, I realize I just made an analogy including alcohol. Some things never change. :)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

I got what I want and need

I spent the whole day yesterday with my sponsor at our Al-Anon convention. His girlfriend didn't join him this year and we got to hang the whole day. It is a blessing that I whole-heartedly am grateful for. We have been convention buddies for years and years. The last 2 he bought her, and we didn't do our hang out. This year we did and I didn't expect it. Maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much.

There's much more to write about it, especially hearing Ric B, the Executive Director of Al-Anon family Groups (and 40 year member) speak the keynote speech. Amazingly profound is how I can best describe it. I'm having an allergy attack at the moment so I will be back later when I am not dripping snot all over the laptop.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Anxiety and boundaries

This week has been a huge week for the laying of boundaries. I thought I'd become pretty good with them but seems God wants me to be at the level of Executive Senior boundary enforcer. My work situation is still rife with tremendous interference with micromanaging from the owner/CEO. A 72 yr old man who is an obsessive, anxious control freak who trusts no one to do their job. Thus he rides us like we are incompetent children. And I had enough. When he degraded me in front of 2 other colleagues I requested a meeting with him and our quasi HR person. I told him directly he was unprofessional towards me and said it was unacceptable. I laid the boundaries down and though he hardly cared and was quite defensive, I didn't care. I felt better because I stood for myself. Whether it gets better or not, I did my part.

Later, I had to do the same with a woman who I have been a somewhat care taker to along with another Al-Anon friend. She is 67 and has very similar mental and emotional incompetence as the owner of my company. She is severely anxious at everything, cannot remember anything, is OCD and simply has no filter or thought of others. She becomes lost when out on errands and over the weekend I had to rescue her when she couldn't remember how to start her car. Long story, but her recent car accident and this plus many other incidents have indicated she is not capable of driving. I had that talk with her and though she initially agreed, she later came to insult me and blame me for causing her anxiety. Again, I decided I had enough. And I have set significant boundaries in how I will assist in her care. The other woman assisting is enabling the shit out of this woman and she has learned how to manipulate us all. I laid out the boundary to the friend and the woman's therapist that unless all 4 of us agree to an action and care plan in writing that will be upheld, I will withdraw myself from her care. I am her legal and medical surrogate along with the other woman.

My sponsor told me I had given away my serenity in both of these situations. So I am in the process of getting it back. One boundary at a time.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

My thoughts are not me

This morning as I woke up I thought "I know why Robin Williams wanted out". I felt that feeling of not wanting to be here. It's a scary thought. To feel depressed or lifeless. I've had the feeling before and I hate it. But, who is doing the "thinking" and who is doing the "I hate that feeling"? Are there two of us in here?

Eckhart Tolle says that is the "watcher". The one who see the thoughts as they troll by is the one who is me. The one who is connected to God, not the disease. The thoughts, not the thinker. I am only the thinker of these thoughts. These thoughts are not me. These thoughts come from the disease: whether the disease be depression, alcoholism or just negative forces which has no name. Regardless, I only need to know I am NOT these thoughts.

My sponsor sent me article on depression which describes the depressed mind as if it were a hard drive in a computer that is infected by Mal-ware. It has a virus that makes it run kooky. It is not the virus, the virus is separate, does not belong and can be discarded with an anti-virus. I like that, I get that. The author told how he always saw life as colorless, blurry. That he thought everyone saw life like he did. He didn't know any different. Until he got on medication. Then suddenly, the dull, blurred leaves on a tree suddenly stood out as bright, defined, lovely! Like having on a new pair of glasses. And life for him changed for the better.

I need to remember this for myself. The unhappy cloud that hangs over me is not MY cloud. It's outside myself. I will use my spiritual weaponry to accept the situation and change what I can. And God will do the rest. As the Buddhists say "nothing is permanent". Amen.